27-12-2009 - sometimes you have to

My mood while writing this blog: too many to mention

Well, where do I begin? I ususally talk about my Hadley and how gorgeous and smart he is and how many things he is doing, because I forget and I love that this is written down so I can reread it. So many times, My daughters will ask 'when did I do this (or that)?' and I can't remember. But today I am going to start with me.

I have recently turned 41 which is just to give context to the following... I have a 15 month old boy and 3 daughters 11, 13 and 15. Last night when I went for a walk with my youngest daughter she said that some of the things I do were considered embarassing. I know kids feel like that but I guess to her I haven't hit that embarassing stage until now. Where did I go? That's what I want to know. I was there, I was me, I had other things going on besides them. I had all sorts of things, not material things but aspects to me, and now that person is considered to be embarassing to my kids. It's funny because your parents are usually proud of you and your kids are usually embarassed. Please, I am happy for all those people who dont make their kids embarassed, but please, don't rub it in my face. How I feel about myself right now... Fat, unfit, bottom of the list, but I put myself at the bottom. I know other women go to the hairdresser and get their nails done and dont wear last years clothes but I would rather my kids have everything they need before I get what I want. What I want, if I was to make a list would go on and on and on, I think that is why I don't get myself anything, or spend money on myself. I mean sure, I have to buy things for myself, like a PA system, clothes for my work, my course, my stationery etc but that is for my business and I cannot get around that. But in the meantime, I am embarassing my kids!

I am really not on a poor me kick. Through restraints of time and work and money, I have not been able to devote myself to losing weight but tonight I started. I did about 1 3/4 of exercise. I really would like to lose 10 kg. It is so weird for me because prior to having children I was very very skinny to the point where people would ask me if I was anorexic. I know, how rude, now people are asking if I am pregnant! I swear, why can't people just not frigging well ask - didn't their parents teach them any manners? It drives me crazy! What is the appropriate come back for 'are you pregnant??' when you aren't. Ah no, I am just fat! If you know, can you please tell me. I 'see' myself as slim, thin and really someone I have never been. Yes I was 45 kg before I had kids but far from the 'me' I would visualise in my mind.

Last week, I was at a carols by candlelight in my local area, and there were food tents. There was an Indian food tent and I adore Indian food, so I went up and had a look, they had samosas for $2 which was very cheap, so I got one and it didn't feel hot to touch, so I said to the guy that it felt cold and he said that inside it would be hot, the outside wasn't hot because of the air. They served this food in open air bain maries. Also I was worried when the guy serving me had two gloves on and used them both for food and money, not one for food and one for money. so he was touching my food with his hand that he had previously received someone's money with. I told them that they should be using one hand for food with a glove and the other hand to handle money. The guy taking the money said I know, I tell him but he doesn't listen, or something to that effect. I walk off and reluctantly bite into my samosa and it is not cold, but lukewarm, like maybe 10-15 degrees, just above cold basically. I go back and tell the guy that I want my money back as this is cold and that they are serving food in a very unhygenic and dangerous way. I explained about the temperature food had to be heated to and served for bacteria not to grow. He said he knew but that it was hard to keep things hot in an outdoor environment. I told him that if the health department were to check them, they would shut them down and people could be sick and they could sue them. They were putting people at risk. I have done a couple of courses in food handling and all the information just came back to me. I found one of the organisers and waited until I could see her. I told a very impatient person who just wanted me to hurry up what I had to say. I felt like a nag but I also felt driven to say something. I thought she would just disregard what I had said but she went to find someone else and then she went over to this guy and had a word with him. The next thing you know, they have their lids on their bain maries. At least that is one thing. Then about 30 minutes later, the whole thing was packed up and they were gone. So I am not sure what happened but I felt I did what I had to. No one took my name, I wasn't after anything but to figuratively slap this person over the face and ask him what the hell he was thinking. I mean, you hear about restaurants who serve food that give people food poisoning and you wonder about it, but here people are, selling food brazenly not following any guidelines for food handling or preparation and I felt it was wrong.

This is the kind of thing my kids found embarassing. I know, I know, kids dont like to be different and had my husband been there, he would have told me not to make a fuss but geez!

So I asked her why things like that would upset her. I mean, was a police officer's kids embarassed, a politician's kids embarassed, how about a parking ticket man? Oh, no, they shouldn't get embarassed. I just wanted a half decent explanation of why she should feel embarassment. They weren't even with me when I spoke to the people, they were off with their friends.

Anyway, I felt my perspective turn. If that makes any sense. My mum was here during Christmas and was so proud of me for doing things I haven't done before and for going after my dreams and for standing up for myself and my kids are embarassed by my actions and behaviour. And then tonight, I was doing my exercises in the loungeroom with the video and my oldest daughter starts up about how these videos dont work because people buy them and don't do them etc, and I just thought, 'you can't win', but I told her they were a very good alternative for someone who cannot go to the gym, either because of time, distance or money.

I guess my girls have reached that age where they are gorgeous, trim and can spend money on themselves. They probably look at me like I might have when I was young, 'why don't you make an effort?'

anyway that is my rant, feel free to comment