| roosa | |
 | Age: 38 Country: USA Province/region: Washington City: Spokane Partner: husband Keith Children: Yes, 4 Pregnant: No Occupation: home mom, photographer |
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It has been on my heart to write this blog and I am sharing in hope that my story and experience may encourage and give hope to others.
The loss of my Kathleen has by far been the hardest I have ever experienced. Words can not describe what you go through as a bereaved parent. But what was also hard for me was that I so desperately wanted to be pregnant again and month and month went by without success. Each month I was thoroughly disappointed and would ask God 'why'. Why not this month? Why are you withholding the one thing from me I want the most? I believe in God's timing but how can there be a bad timing when it comes to having more children? After all God wants us to multiply.. It just didn't make sense to me and I struggled a lot with the issue.
About a year down the track God has given me not just one but several answers as to why the wait and I wanted to share them here.
1. God wanted me to experience grief in full so I can help others in full down the track.
For me personally that meant not having the comfort of a subsequent pregnancy until I had reached a certain stage of my grief. I knew in my heart that I had reached that stage once I got to the one year milestone. I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after having experienced many dark times and I knew there was a hope and a future, but I also knew the pain of grief. I am still waiting for God to show me exactly where He wants to use this experience, but I know He will.
2. I needed to write a pamphlet about Pregnancy Loss and Support.
This was something God put on my heart not long after my loss. Yet is still took me many, many months before I had the strength and clear thoughts to sit down and write it. I believe this pamphlet will make a difference. Looking back I also believe that had I been pregnant again the pamphlet would have become less important, the pregnancy and later a baby would have distracted me, and it may never had been written. (Please see my previous blog if you want more information about the pamphlet or even a copy).
3. I needed to hand my fear of a subsequent pregnancy over to God and find peace.
After my loss there was nothing I wanted more than being pregnant again but at the same time I also truly feared it. How could I be sure the same thing wouldn't happen again? Plus after a loss you hear of everyone's story - be it online or through support groups - and you learn there is no safe time in a pregnancy, or even after birth. As the months went by this fear got worse and worse and in the end I was terrified. It was then that God revealed to me that I needed to deal with this fear before getting pregnant as fear and stress in itself can cause complications, and either way God didn't want me to live in absolute fear for 9 months. I made a conscious decision to do everything in my power to think positive thoughts, to do things I enjoy doing that may distract me, and to meditate on God's word and the promise of goodness He has given me. I felt an instant relief from that fear. I am not saying I don't have anxious moments in this pregnancy but I am not living in constant fear.
4. I needed to be in the right place with the right doctors.
I moved from Australia to the states when I was 6 weeks pregnant and so was able to get into the system over here at an early stage. I know and believe in my heart that God lined up just the right doctor and the right clinic for me. They are all very kind and caring, but most of all they have a pro-active approach that the Australian doctors didn't have. I feel confident that they will keep a good eye on me and do their very best to make this pregnancy a successful one.
As I look back I see God's timing and I see that it is perfect in every area. 13 months after my loss I was blessed with another pregnancy. With everything that had to happen and be lined up, I feel it couldn't have happened earlier as God wants what is best, both for me and for others. You may notice that two of the reasons are aimed at 'others' and two are for my own (and baby's) best. God cares about every part of my life but He also cares about everyone else's. When we only see a small part of the puzzle, He sees the big picture. It isn't always easy to see and remember in the midst of the hard times, but I believe that if we cling onto Him He will help us through and when the time is right He will reveal to us a bit more of the puzzle.
God loves us, more than we can ever comprehend. I pray that my story will reveal a bit more of that love and that it will bring you hope, no matter your circumstances.
Sincerely,
Karin
13 Comments on God's timing
tonyab - Thursday, 19 Nov
Hi, thanks for writing this blog. My husband and I have been TTC since June 2007. We did 3 cycles of IUI, all failed, and one cycle of IVF which resulted in pregnancy, but I lost that baby a week later at 5 wks gestation. Chemical pregnancy is what they call it. I don't pretend to think that losing a pregnancy at 5 wks is any where near as devastating as what you went through, but it still hurts. It's a loss of a dream and much more, for sure. I don't feel that people acknowlege it when it was only at 5 wks which also hurts. I know that God works in his own time, but sometimes it's so hard to keep that faith. What if it's not in his plans for me to become a mother? How do I let this go then? I have begged him to take this desire away from me if it wasn't meant to be, but the desire just grows stronger and stronger every day. I could go on and on, but don't want to take up your time. I was just wondering how you got to the point where you were able to find peace in all of this? I just feel so sad alone sometimes. I've just recently turned 40 yrs old, so time is not on my side. Thanks for any input you may have. Congratulations on your pregnancy now, I wish you a happy and healthy next few months! ~Tonya
imhoping - Thursday, 10 Sep
This is so touching and meant for me to read at this very moment. I'd love to hear back from you and would love the pamphlet. Thank you for allowing Him to use you to touch others in their time of need.Anna
vicki--mommy of 4 - Wednesday, 19 Aug
That's awesome hun!
betty - Wednesday, 19 Aug
OH! That is a living testimony. And really I am blessed by that. Wow I don't have enough words to say what I feel. Really you are such a good believer. Your testimony touched me. As you know I am struggling for baby # 1 for about 1year and 8 month. You know the way I passed thru. Now I just don't know what to do and think any more and I was questioning GOD when are you blessing me? When is your time? So on. I wish that I have that power of faith. But your testimony is giving me some hope that there is a time for me too. When I write this message I am crying out for GOD saying "OH GOD have mercy on me"I hope and trust that my time will come. And my dear please pray for me coz I am so tired on this one.
Quiver Full - Tuesday, 18 Aug
What a great blog my friend! I know God will use you to comfort others! I absolutely want the pamplet! Still praying often for your sweet baby!
amber242 - Tuesday, 18 Aug
very touching, thanks for sharing your story!
juliegirly26 - Tuesday, 18 Aug
your son is beautiful, you are beautiful and you will be blessed with a gorgoues baby and new beginnings. thank you for those words to live by. god's timing is everything, but sometimes it is so hard to see the forest for the trees (so to speak). i pray everyday that god will give me direction in my life and know that it will all work out in the end :) glad to have read your blog!
pugdunn - Tuesday, 18 Aug
That was beautiful.
newmommyagain - Tuesday, 18 Aug
Thank you for sharing your awesome perspecitve of things. It really helps me.
mugs - Tuesday, 18 Aug
Beautiful....you are amazingly strong and a wonderful example!
nursemommy3 - Tuesday, 18 Aug
Beautiful Karin, it helps me to put a lot in perspective about my m/c as well. Thank you so much.
crystal10102007 - Tuesday, 18 Aug
You are a very strong women and I admire your strength. When i had my miscarriage i was so angry with God, but still deep down knew there was some reason for what happened. Through the last few months I have come up with some reasons why I think that baby was not meant to be here with me, and it brings me comfort. I am so thankful to have my little girl and to be pregnant again. I thank god everyday for this, and feel so blessed by him. I also know that even though I won't have my baby here on earth with me, I will hold him/her one day in heaven. I would love a copy of your pamphlet so I will private message you my email address. Thanks for creating a pamphlet that is so important, and that we can also pass on to others to help them too.
kbfulloffaith - Tuesday, 18 Aug
Thanks so much...you are right - loss is step by step ... and there is light and life but always a special place in our hearts.
| 18-8-2009 - God's timing |  My mood while writing this blog:Thankful |
It has been on my heart to write this blog and I am sharing in hope that my story and experience may encourage and give hope to others.
The loss of my Kathleen has by far been the hardest I have ever experienced. Words can not describe what you go through as a bereaved parent. But what was also hard for me was that I so desperately wanted to be pregnant again and month and month went by without success. Each month I was thoroughly disappointed and would ask God 'why'. Why not this month? Why are you withholding the one thing from me I want the most? I believe in God's timing but how can there be a bad timing when it comes to having more children? After all God wants us to multiply.. It just didn't make sense to me and I struggled a lot with the issue.
About a year down the track God has given me not just one but several answers as to why the wait and I wanted to share them here.
1. God wanted me to experience grief in full so I can help others in full down the track.
For me personally that meant not having the comfort of a subsequent pregnancy until I had reached a certain stage of my grief. I knew in my heart that I had reached that stage once I got to the one year milestone. I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after having experienced many dark times and I knew there was a hope and a future, but I also knew the pain of grief. I am still waiting for God to show me exactly where He wants to use this experience, but I know He will.
2. I needed to write a pamphlet about Pregnancy Loss and Support.
This was something God put on my heart not long after my loss. Yet is still took me many, many months before I had the strength and clear thoughts to sit down and write it. I believe this pamphlet will make a difference. Looking back I also believe that had I been pregnant again the pamphlet would have become less important, the pregnancy and later a baby would have distracted me, and it may never had been written. (Please see my previous blog if you want more information about the pamphlet or even a copy).
3. I needed to hand my fear of a subsequent pregnancy over to God and find peace.
After my loss there was nothing I wanted more than being pregnant again but at the same time I also truly feared it. How could I be sure the same thing wouldn't happen again? Plus after a loss you hear of everyone's story - be it online or through support groups - and you learn there is no safe time in a pregnancy, or even after birth. As the months went by this fear got worse and worse and in the end I was terrified. It was then that God revealed to me that I needed to deal with this fear before getting pregnant as fear and stress in itself can cause complications, and either way God didn't want me to live in absolute fear for 9 months. I made a conscious decision to do everything in my power to think positive thoughts, to do things I enjoy doing that may distract me, and to meditate on God's word and the promise of goodness He has given me. I felt an instant relief from that fear. I am not saying I don't have anxious moments in this pregnancy but I am not living in constant fear.
4. I needed to be in the right place with the right doctors.
I moved from Australia to the states when I was 6 weeks pregnant and so was able to get into the system over here at an early stage. I know and believe in my heart that God lined up just the right doctor and the right clinic for me. They are all very kind and caring, but most of all they have a pro-active approach that the Australian doctors didn't have. I feel confident that they will keep a good eye on me and do their very best to make this pregnancy a successful one.
As I look back I see God's timing and I see that it is perfect in every area. 13 months after my loss I was blessed with another pregnancy. With everything that had to happen and be lined up, I feel it couldn't have happened earlier as God wants what is best, both for me and for others. You may notice that two of the reasons are aimed at 'others' and two are for my own (and baby's) best. God cares about every part of my life but He also cares about everyone else's. When we only see a small part of the puzzle, He sees the big picture. It isn't always easy to see and remember in the midst of the hard times, but I believe that if we cling onto Him He will help us through and when the time is right He will reveal to us a bit more of the puzzle.
God loves us, more than we can ever comprehend. I pray that my story will reveal a bit more of that love and that it will bring you hope, no matter your circumstances.
Sincerely,
Karin
13 Comments on God's timing
tonyab - Thursday, 19 Nov
Hi, thanks for writing this blog. My husband and I have been TTC since June 2007. We did 3 cycles of IUI, all failed, and one cycle of IVF which resulted in pregnancy, but I lost that baby a week later at 5 wks gestation. Chemical pregnancy is what they call it. I don't pretend to think that losing a pregnancy at 5 wks is any where near as devastating as what you went through, but it still hurts. It's a loss of a dream and much more, for sure. I don't feel that people acknowlege it when it was only at 5 wks which also hurts. I know that God works in his own time, but sometimes it's so hard to keep that faith. What if it's not in his plans for me to become a mother? How do I let this go then? I have begged him to take this desire away from me if it wasn't meant to be, but the desire just grows stronger and stronger every day. I could go on and on, but don't want to take up your time. I was just wondering how you got to the point where you were able to find peace in all of this? I just feel so sad alone sometimes. I've just recently turned 40 yrs old, so time is not on my side. Thanks for any input you may have. Congratulations on your pregnancy now, I wish you a happy and healthy next few months! ~Tonya
imhoping - Thursday, 10 Sep
This is so touching and meant for me to read at this very moment. I'd love to hear back from you and would love the pamphlet. Thank you for allowing Him to use you to touch others in their time of need.Anna
vicki--mommy of 4 - Wednesday, 19 Aug
That's awesome hun!
betty - Wednesday, 19 Aug
OH! That is a living testimony. And really I am blessed by that. Wow I don't have enough words to say what I feel. Really you are such a good believer. Your testimony touched me. As you know I am struggling for baby # 1 for about 1year and 8 month. You know the way I passed thru. Now I just don't know what to do and think any more and I was questioning GOD when are you blessing me? When is your time? So on. I wish that I have that power of faith. But your testimony is giving me some hope that there is a time for me too. When I write this message I am crying out for GOD saying "OH GOD have mercy on me"I hope and trust that my time will come. And my dear please pray for me coz I am so tired on this one.
Quiver Full - Tuesday, 18 Aug
What a great blog my friend! I know God will use you to comfort others! I absolutely want the pamplet! Still praying often for your sweet baby!
amber242 - Tuesday, 18 Aug
very touching, thanks for sharing your story!
juliegirly26 - Tuesday, 18 Aug
your son is beautiful, you are beautiful and you will be blessed with a gorgoues baby and new beginnings. thank you for those words to live by. god's timing is everything, but sometimes it is so hard to see the forest for the trees (so to speak). i pray everyday that god will give me direction in my life and know that it will all work out in the end :) glad to have read your blog!
pugdunn - Tuesday, 18 Aug
That was beautiful.
newmommyagain - Tuesday, 18 Aug
Thank you for sharing your awesome perspecitve of things. It really helps me.
mugs - Tuesday, 18 Aug
Beautiful....you are amazingly strong and a wonderful example!
nursemommy3 - Tuesday, 18 Aug
Beautiful Karin, it helps me to put a lot in perspective about my m/c as well. Thank you so much.
crystal10102007 - Tuesday, 18 Aug
You are a very strong women and I admire your strength. When i had my miscarriage i was so angry with God, but still deep down knew there was some reason for what happened. Through the last few months I have come up with some reasons why I think that baby was not meant to be here with me, and it brings me comfort. I am so thankful to have my little girl and to be pregnant again. I thank god everyday for this, and feel so blessed by him. I also know that even though I won't have my baby here on earth with me, I will hold him/her one day in heaven. I would love a copy of your pamphlet so I will private message you my email address. Thanks for creating a pamphlet that is so important, and that we can also pass on to others to help them too.
kbfulloffaith - Tuesday, 18 Aug
Thanks so much...you are right - loss is step by step ... and there is light and life but always a special place in our hearts.
Photos
Children
Latest blogs
04-12-2011 - nothing there..
29-11-2011 - probably blighted ovum
23-11-2011 - ER visit
22-11-2011 - first appointment
03-11-2011 - an unexpected blessing
27-6-2011 - Adoption Day
18-2-2011 - Kaden is one
05-1-2011 - leaving it up to God
30-11-2010 - update on our family
09-9-2010 - meet Kaitlin Danielle
24-5-2010 - Happy, fulfilled, blessed
12-5-2010 - Facing the future
15-4-2010 - Kaden 8 weeks
01-4-2010 - Kaden 6 weeks
27-3-2010 - Kathleen's 2nd birthday
18-3-2010 - Kaden is 1 month old
19-2-2010 - Kaden Joshua is here!!
12-2-2010 - Full term!!!
05-2-2010 - 36 weeks appointment
02-2-2010 - Induction Date!
29-1-2010 - 35 week appointment
21-1-2010 - 33 weeks appointment
12-1-2010 - 32 week growth scan
08-1-2010 - 32 week appointment
11-12-2009 - Kaden's heart rate
06-12-2009 - A scary day
01-12-2009 - 26 week appointment
03-11-2009 - Week 22 and H1N1
21-10-2009 - 20 weeks
07-10-2009 - It's a boy!
23-9-2009 - Good news!
09-9-2009 - Not a good day
18-8-2009 - God's timing
18-8-2009 - Pregnancy Loss & Support Pamphlet
31-7-2009 - Obgyn visit and U/S
29-7-2009 - Blood work results..
26-7-2009 - Trying to find a doctor
26-6-2009 - I'm pregnant!!
26-3-2009 - Kathleen's anniversary
12-3-2009 - blood tests results
27-2-2009 - dreams
18-2-2009 - doctor appointment
08-2-2009 - one more month
06-1-2009 - chemical pregnancy
15-12-2008 - names in the sand
19-8-2008 - August 20th
04-12-2011 - nothing there..
29-11-2011 - probably blighted ovum
23-11-2011 - ER visit
22-11-2011 - first appointment
03-11-2011 - an unexpected blessing
27-6-2011 - Adoption Day
18-2-2011 - Kaden is one
05-1-2011 - leaving it up to God
30-11-2010 - update on our family
09-9-2010 - meet Kaitlin Danielle
24-5-2010 - Happy, fulfilled, blessed
12-5-2010 - Facing the future
15-4-2010 - Kaden 8 weeks
01-4-2010 - Kaden 6 weeks
27-3-2010 - Kathleen's 2nd birthday
18-3-2010 - Kaden is 1 month old
19-2-2010 - Kaden Joshua is here!!
12-2-2010 - Full term!!!
05-2-2010 - 36 weeks appointment
02-2-2010 - Induction Date!
29-1-2010 - 35 week appointment
21-1-2010 - 33 weeks appointment
12-1-2010 - 32 week growth scan
08-1-2010 - 32 week appointment
11-12-2009 - Kaden's heart rate
06-12-2009 - A scary day
01-12-2009 - 26 week appointment
03-11-2009 - Week 22 and H1N1
21-10-2009 - 20 weeks
07-10-2009 - It's a boy!
23-9-2009 - Good news!
09-9-2009 - Not a good day
18-8-2009 - God's timing
18-8-2009 - Pregnancy Loss & Support Pamphlet
31-7-2009 - Obgyn visit and U/S
29-7-2009 - Blood work results..
26-7-2009 - Trying to find a doctor
26-6-2009 - I'm pregnant!!
26-3-2009 - Kathleen's anniversary
12-3-2009 - blood tests results
27-2-2009 - dreams
18-2-2009 - doctor appointment
08-2-2009 - one more month
06-1-2009 - chemical pregnancy
15-12-2008 - names in the sand
19-8-2008 - August 20th
Agenda
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