28-10-2009 - just an updat since i haven't really been on much

My mood while writing this blog: thankfull/happy

hello ladies!! i know it's been awhile and i just wanted to leave an update and say that i have missed you all. well first off i ended up naming my baby nikolas instead of xavier i just felt like nikolas was a better fit for him once i layed my eyes on him. he's so precious and i love his little smiles and his little giggles while he sleeps and i love him so much. right now he's mostly breastfeeding along with some formula so i can start saving breastmilk for when i return to work. i'm thankful that i recently got hired and start on nov 15th due to not working for almost a yr now and my husband losing his job but i am a little worried that i'll be leaving my baby a little to soon but what can i do? i need this job for my family and i and christmas is coming soon and i want to have a good christmas and it will be our first christmas as a family and i want it to be nice and special. nikolas is doing great he eats real well, he's gaining weight like he should, and he's just all around doing well which makes me happy and makes his dad even happier after seeing him come out from the c-section all blue and lifeless. my hubby is so cute he checks on his son while he's sleeping to make sure he's breathing everyone once in a while. i can't imagine seeing your son, your flesh and blood. lifeless and blue and thinking what went wrong and being frustrated not being able to do anything just left to watch and see what happens next. i didn't see my son like that and i'm glad i didn't because i don't know what i would have done if i did besides cry and think that my baby didn't make it. i honestly thought after my husband told me what he saw in the operating room i kept thinking what did i do wrong? how did i cause this? i know now it wasn't my fault but at that moment i couldn't help but think it was because he came out of me like that so naturally i thought that my body, that i had caused it. i may have not seen my baby blue and lifeless but i feel like i did and i feel like at that one moment in time that i lost nikolas and i cry just thinking of all the things i could be missing right now and the things i would miss in the future. i may have my littel angel now but for a moment i know how it felt to lsoe your precious one and i want to say i'm truelly sorry and i understand how all the mommies on this site feel who have lost there precious angels whether it's a misscarriage, still birth or a very early birth where those little angels didn't make it.

i just want to say thank you to all the ladies for your support and understaing through out my pregnancy and i hope we all continue to stay in contact in the future.