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20-9-2009 - a long waited vent!!

My mood while writing this blog: annoyed among other motions!!

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ok iv nearly 10 weeks left untill my actual due date 1st of december.. - i had a scan thursday - all was great - got to see little baby and my placenta has gone up as it was at my cervix which for alot of weeks had me worried i HAD to have a section - but now that it has gone up i have a chance to give normal birth a go.. which im delighted - im glad i get a chance so far to have a natural birth..even if in the end i have to have a section i dont mind - just to feel my waters go and so on forth would be nice to say i know what it feels like..

anywayyyy alot of things going on at the min - im out of work - so limited money coming in - still havent got my buggy or cot :( i know what ones i want just to sort out money etc - i hope to set up my own business of hairdressing in my home which will be great for when i do have baby i can then work to my own time and work around baby!! Just need money for all that too - which im waiting to hear back for loan.. iv never been so broke in my life.. its horrible.. i have never been like this.. i always have things sorted...
i also have my driving permit exam tuesday - i really want to pass it as then i can get lessons and get going for driving and buy a car..

so - 1. buggy , 2. cot , 3. basin for work , 4. car & insurance. = alot of money !!!!!!!!!

Then today i began thinking of babys father Martin who i havent heard from - the last time i spoke to him was about 3 weeks ago at like 2am outside a chippers in town.. he was out with his friend and each pub he ignored me.. i got so annoyed and upset.. it really upset me that he hasnt thought to ask if im ok or is baby ok. it hurts more and more .. really hitting me that the relationship we had actually means nothing?.. ugh.. ended up i pulled him aside and asked him what his problem is.. which he couldnt answer and gave out to me for being out in the first place as being 7 months pregnant and being out in a pub is embarrassing.. (personally i was doing nothing wrong - i havent had one drink of alcohol.. i drink sparklin water when out .. im sitting down talking to friends.. pregnancy is not an illness and im not doing any harm) so once that was said i was angry as im not doing any harm - he is by ignoring me. ughh.. then i asked if he wants to even be part of being involved in his babys life and he just said he didnt know that he'd let me know when hes ready... ugh to think he has to think about being in his own chils life... what the hell ??? i had to walk away cos i would of gotten into a boxing match with him other wise he had me so angry ..and i dont fight iv never been in a fight and never will.. but he got my blood boiling ugh...


so tonight i said i would text him asking if he had ''decided'' to be in his childs life - that i needed to know to plan for birthing partner and so on forth..
he didnt even reply... i sent the text at 8pm ... its now 11.30pm. and he is not working either as he is off for weekend(i know his rota for work - terrible i know but all garda have same rota only each unit start on a different hour or day or the month but there month rota are the same -hard to explain )

i am at my wits end trying with Martin to involve him in his babys life.. and i know im a fool = but i want my baby have a good life and say to my baby i tried...
all i want from martin is a yes or no to say he does or doesnt want to be involved.. i dont want a relationship ill never take him back he has hurt me too much..

its never easy having kids - alone or with loads of family.. and its the hardest thing iv ever gone threw so far and i still have to give birth.. im not asking for much - just my child to have its father figure its suppose to have..

okay think its helped me even writing this blog.. hope everyone is doing well !! :)

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5 Comments on a long waited vent!!


4thtimearoundat36 - Monday, 21 Sep
aah sweetie, sounds like you have cr*p falling on you from a great height and every angle. Deal with it just one shoveful at a time, and every small victory is still a victory. You may not get the answer you want from Martin, and rightly or wrongly its his decision, but DONT let him grind you down, you are gonna be a great mum. I know what its like to be struggling on a limited income and still try and get all the baby stuff together, check places like ebay to make sure you get the best deal (lastminuteauction is great if you are happy to get some stuff second hand, I managed to get a spare pushchair for £1.20 !) One shovel full at a time and your confidence will soon be flying high. xxxx

newmommy20 - Monday, 21 Sep
Hey girly, yea you did need to vent, I have had to get similar things off of my chest... Its rough as your coming towards the end, I know I definitely feel you on that.. But be strong for you and baby, you have already done so much.. I'm sorry to hear that the man treats you and his child that way, I go through the same thing with my bd and it hurts.. But sweetie maybe its time to let go, some men come around their time and others just never due, in my case I don't think he will.. but I give him the option to be in his childs life and it is his choice it is in no way ur fault.. so never blame yourself.. But I have completely shut him out of my life and I'm happier about it and I think of it less.. and I'm blessed to still be working and have some great family to help me but things will come your way.. God won't leave you in the rain without an umbrella.. So be strong and keep doing what you can your doing a great job mama-to-be...:)

claire louise - Monday, 21 Sep
I agree with frosty the stress can't be good! Keep strong for you and baby.xx

frosty - Monday, 21 Sep
Hey hun, You need to stop thinking about that ex of yours and start thinking about what this is doing to you. The stress is not good for you or the baby and to be honest he sounds like a jerk, who you now shouldn't give the time of day. You sound such a strong lady, who i know will cope alone. By the sounds of it you've got some good friends, so start relying on them if you need them, and choose 1 of those to be your birthing partners. I know its not the same, but at the same time would you want Martin to be at the birth, with how he has treated you during this pregnancy, he might end up getting your stress levels up even further. Plus who's to say he will turn up on the day even if he say's he will at the minute. You just never know with these men, Lol. Anyway thats my opinion, but at the end of the day whatever happens to you and your baby has to be your choice. Take care. Big hugs xxxx

masonnickey - Sunday, 20 Sep
I'm sorry to hear that he is giving you a hard time. I would pick a friend to be your birthing partner just in case. If he decides to be there, can you have 2 partners in the labor and delivery? I'm glad you might have a chance at a natural birth like you want. Well keep us posted, we are almost there!