21-10-2010 - venting!

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

Ok so here goes!

Everything had been really good, ever since the boyfriend came home its been peachy, we still have ups and downs but we are learning to work through the arguments instead of running away from them. Hes been so good to me, and being so tolerant. He loves shopping for the baby, which is terrific. I came home froma hard day of work and the crib and dresser changing table were built in the nursery, it was awesome. My sisters are really being tolerant too and trying hard to be ok with my choice to try thingss again with my bf. And even my mother has quit complaining and quit asking me to change my mind on what to call my son. So all that is great!

Now for the whining! LOL

I feel like the most disgusting person on the planet sometimes. Between my bladder and my breasts I feel like something is always leaking! I hate that Im paranoid about sneezing in public, and despise that im constantly and inconspicously feeling my breasts to make sure they arent leaking! I was having the worst pains ever, and still am, so they deternmined a ripped a muscle below my rib and gave me vicodin for the pain but those pills make me super nauseous, and constipated. but if i dont take them i cant even stand up straight...! I havent gained a single pound, Im still down from my prepregnancy weight actually, so thats good. but that gives my dr something else to complain about. OH and lets talk about my friggin dr! I got to a small clinic specifically for native americans, so of course they see my whole family, and his too, and know his past and my past and his exs and my ex's. I feel like when they ask me questions its so they can relay it to the curious, not because they are genuinely concerned you know? He has a child froma previous relationship that he doesnt get to see, and my dr is that babys godmother. SUUUUPER. she actually asked me if Im happy that turtle is the father of my child? WTF IS THAT! I dont have many options on where to be seen though. Im not sure if I should confront her on my privacy/trust issues. Even though I havent gained any weight, Im getting huge. i was plus size to begin with so im not worried but my body just feels whack. like im tiny under my ribs but my hips are our of control and so is this rock hard belly! I have been having braxton hicks frequently too. Ugh, im soo ready for christmas to get here, that way i can hold my son and love on him, and the only thing in my stomach at that point will be dominos pizza and a hard lemonade!

I wonder what he will look like? will he be a darker native like my bf? or a lighter one like me and my people? My daughters father isnt native at all...she looks so much like him. shes got blond hair and big blue eyes, shes gorgeous. But im nervous about how different my children will potentially look, i dont want them to ever feel different from each other. But everyone has commented on it already. i guess i cant stress over it until hes here, and even then all i have to do is raise my children equally and never treat them differently. SIGH so much to think about, so many concerns and worries and fears.....I hope I do right by my children....