17-11-2008 - 3weeks

My mood while writing this blog: Tired but very happy.

Had my 2nd health visitor appointment yesterday. I was considering changing Olivia to bottle feeding, but I didnt want to just change her straight away, which is what you would do at the point, but i've decided to give it ago a little while longer until i can gradually change her off it. Plus i wasnt 100% sure about changing anyway so it is better leaving it longer. Plus i was told we are doing so well at it, but i knew that anyways and that was one reason why i wasnt sure.
I feel selfish for wanting to stop breastfeeding, the main reason why i wanted to change was because i wasnt sure she had put much weight on, and she just seem sicky all the time, but i know this can be normal for newborns, it just isn't nice seeing her throw up all the time, chances are she would do it with bottles anyway, and she also doesnt seem statisfied the past few days when i feed her for very long about an hour and a half before her next feed she seems to want more, no matter how long she has been feeding for the time before, the health visitor told me to give her a little bit of formula after i feed her off a night which might help her sleep, but that isnt when she needs it, because she is sleeping fine of a night in all fairness, from around half 11/12 til 5/half 5. which she said was really good because most breastfeed babies wake up in the nights for feeds, but i thought it is bottle feed? lol. Also it doesnt help when i've had comments off the in laws like the day she was born that she was under nurished. and she has scrawny legs. Doesnt exactly make you feel like you are doing a good job for your new born, especially when you are a first time Mom. I saying anything to Jay about those comments and he doesnt understand how they make me feel, yeah they might be havng a laugh, but i dont find it funny, i already feel like i am being watched with her when i am around them, like i am doing everything wrong. so at times when i feel like I'm not that great a mom (hormones still a little bit all over the place, now n then) i think about what they say when i am there, and i can only imagen what they say when i am not.

But anyway the health visitor weighed her and she is now 8lb 6oz, which has brough her back up to the curve on the growth chart that she was born on. Just keeping my fingers crossed that she carries on putting on the weight. I have to go baby clinic next week and we will check her weight again, and if i am still feeling like i want to stop feeding her then we will tlk about it again. But i think i just needed that little bit of reassurance that her weight gain was good.

I know she is only 3 weeks old but im pretty sure she is starting smile. everyone just says its wind when i say it, but we was blowing raspberrys on her cheek she smiled, we thought it was wind we carried on doing it and she did it again. lol. I am convinced it was a little smile. also when ever she looks at the light in my living room she gets a littl grin. may just be wind lol but im saying smiling. and even if it was wind it wont be long before she starts smiling anyway.

every morning after her first feed she likes to just lie with me and go back to sleep, i tried to just put her down but she doesnt like it, lol so we have morning cuddles whilst everyone is sleeping still so no one can steal her away from me. Of an evening she likes to cuddle with Nanny, she has had enough of Mommy all day, she wants someone different. but sure enuff when she is hungry she wants me bak lol.

I cant believe how quick time is going on saturday she will be 4 weeks, its crazy, even though i always said it felt like i'd been pregnant forever, it when quick and now she is here and im enjoying her so much time is going even quicker than it did when i was pregnant. but the main thing is i am enjoying her and i'm gonna remember this time and feel so happy about it when she is all grown up.
i could go on a rant about more the in laws have done to upset me, and show that they dont actually care about Olivia, i know they dont care about me which doesnt bother me. But to show they Do not care and respect or think about Olivia's well being really upsets me, His mother did something that nearly made me leave her house at half 11 the other night, She has one more chance, does what she did again, or anything that really upsets me, and i will not be going to stay there again or even around there for them to see her.

I actually have a problem with not just Jays parents but him also. None of them seem to understand that i am a person, who has a life too. I think they think i sit in the house everyday and do nothing. They always seem to think i can do what they want when they want me to, and any plans i have made can be dropped just like that. Like this saturday my dad wants to take me out with Olivia, this being the first weekend since she was born i spent with my family, Jamie said my dad can take us out when ever he wanted too, why saturday. i got so angry, my father works really long hours, and onli gets weekends off. so he got a lot of what he been bugging me thrown at him.

Anyways, if i tell you everything with what is happening with 'them' i would be here forever. Main thing is yeah they get me angry but My baby girl, i just have to look at her and i forget it all.

Hope everyone is doing well. sorry about the rant.

xx