11-1-2010 - It's been awhile!

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

Oh it's been awhile. I had to take a break to focus on me and my life. Things the past few months had kind of been crazy with getting laid off and starting the clomid. I just felt like I wasn't really dealing with anything but rather putting on a smiling face and floating along. So the past few months I have taken time for me, relaxing, thinking about what I want and getting back into shape.

I realized my getting laid off was because my head wasn't in my job and hadn't been since my first loss. My life was consumed by thinking of my losses and thinking about getting pregnant. The last thing I thought about was work. With all of that I got depressed and let things at my job slip futher and further into a hole. I was in sales and being in sales you have to feel confident with yourself and I felt like everyone I talked to knew I wasn't in a good place. I floated through my days and finally my boss realized that my head wasn't there. He knew my heart was some place else and that I hadn't dealt with anything. I was always right back to work after the losses and never really took time to deal. Granted I thought I did but now that I have been home I realized I masked what I was feeling deep down. So on the job front I am still home getting unemployment and focusing on what I really want to do with my life. I realized that I am not a sales person and now I need to figure out what I will enjoy doing everyday.

We have been ttc the past few months still and I am on my last month of clomid. My doctor suggested I go three months on three months off then three months on again. During our three months off I still have to take progesterone to keep my levels up. I feel like if it were to happen this would be the month. We were both home during the holidays and just enjoyed trying, we actually were in our own bubble for about 2 weeks kind of cutting off the outside world. It was perfect. The clomid has tricked me every months with sympotoms that get my hopes up but this month I kind of figured it out and am not expecting anything. We are both still wanting a baby more than ever and at times I get frustrated and think it will never happen but I think that just comes with anything you want badly. We have talked about what we would do after the clomid if it doesn't work and we will just play it by ear, we aren't saying no to any option. I just feel like we are in the right place and things are just going really good.

Zach asked his dad to lay him off because he started going back to school and working full time and going to school full time was just too much. Luckily he gets GI benefits from the military so our income is stable and it allows us both to take time to ourselves. I can say right now we are the happiest we have been in the 8+ years we have been together. We go to the gym 6 days a week and are just focusing on what makes us happy. I can say right now I am in a good place and the past few months have been really healing. I hope that 2010 will bring new challengs and joys in our lives.

I look forward to catching up and seeing how everyone is and how their families have grown : )