25-9-2009 - Post partum emotions/stress

My mood while writing this blog: .....

Since having Jackson, I've felt extremely weepy. I'm not sure if it's PP depression or what. I know that I've had alot of stress since having him.

For one, we almost had to stay at the hospital longer because he never breastfed at the hospital. The day we were discharged, my aunt (a lactation consultant) came over and really worked with us to get him to nurse and he did a few times successfully. Then he stopped. He went so long without eating and I had so many breakdowns that we finally had to give him a few ounces of my breastmilk in a bottle because he was getting jaundiced and dehydrated. I was heartbroken. Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I wanted that bonding experience and to know that I was providing for my baby. When he was a week old, my aunt came again with a double electric pump. She said since my milk had come in and he wasn't eating so I was engorged and that's part of his problem. He couldn't latch onto my engorged breast. So I pumped off a ton and then he nursed. He had lost almost 2lbs and that wasn't good. Luckily he's back up to his birthweight now.

Now he's nursing but I feel like it's 2 steps forward, one step back. Everytime I start to feel good and confident, something happens. We had to give him my milk in a bottle for a day or 2 just to rehydrate him and whatnot for that short period of time. But even now, there are times that he'll get all worked up and then he won't latch on and I get stressed and the bottle doesn't heat fast enough, etc, etc. And we both end up in tears.

I feel depressed being stuck in the house constantly. I feel great since giving birth but I'm hesitant to lift him in his carseat to take him anywhere while Eric is at work. And I feel like I won't be able to take jackson anywhere until we really get this nursing thing down. So that's weighing heavy on me too.

Also, my husband's work is scheduled to close November 20th. Ok we've known that for some time now. Unfortunately, Eric had to take 3 days of FMLA time off when Jack was born (he took off 7 days total) which are unpaid, but it was worth it to have him home. Last week a coworker text Eric and said they took away some of the equipment from the plant to ship to another plant because the work load was tapering off. Well he went back to work Wednesday and every day he's been sent home early because there's no work. Tonight he came home at 7:30p instead of 11p. I guess a bunch of people got sent home at 7:30p and then the entire rest of the shift got sent home at 9p.

I'm so stressed about finances. Even though we have alot saved and whatnot, we were hoping to have an income through November.

Sigh...

:(