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19-8-2008 - Night before Lorelei's Birth

My mood while writing this blog: Hopeful

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I wrote this the night before I was scheduled to be induced.
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Lorelei

Tomorrow's the big day. I don't know what to do with myself. It feels unreal, tomorrow I'm going to be induced, and I'm going to give birth to my baby girl. Lorelei Isabelle Downes. It seems so weird. There's a whole new little person that I haven't even met yet living inside my belly. I can feel her right now, stretching and trying to get comfortable. I know how that feels, I can't get comfortable either. Everyone is very excited for her to get here. Shawna is coming tomorrow on the bus, straight to the hospital, so she can be there for the labour, and to go home with Bill and help take care of Ryan and the house. Mum is praying up a storm for us to make sure everything goes alright tomorrow. Bill is stressed trying to get the kitchen and dining room renovations done.

Mostly I'm scared. I had kind of thought that I'd have my midwife there with me to help me get through the labour pains, and coach me. But now that I'm getting induced it's called a transfer of care, meaning that I go to the OB on call, Dr. Anna. If it's anything like the last time, that means I get rotating nurses coming into the room and seeing how I'm doing, with the doctor popping by once in a while. Bill really isn't very helpful when it comes to helping me deal with the pain. He just kind of stands there looking helpless and impotent. I'm worried I'm going to go through the exact same escalation as last time. I'll start the pitocin, and progress only a little, then they'll break my water, the contractions will start to come, but they'll be too strong and too fast, and I'll be desperate for the epidural. I'll get the epidural, and progress will stop. Then I'll have to have another c-section. I am really afraid of the pain, if it's as bad as it was last time, I'm not sure I can handle it. I worry about breastfeeding too. It was incredibly hard to get it established with Ryan, and I hope that was mostly due to the C-section. I know it played a part.

I'm so looking forward to meeting her, and to see what she looks like. I wonder whether she'll be blond like Ryan and Bill or dark like me. Whether she'll have blue eyes, who's mouth, and hands and feet she'll have. Whether she'll be a happy baby, whether she'll cry or be colicky. I want to bring her home, and introduce her to Ryan. I can't wait for them to get to know each other. I hope he'll adjust well to having to share mum and dad. He plays so well with other kids, and doesn't really fight or get jealous. I hope that spills over into his relationship with Lorelei. Wow, it still feels weird using her name. We haven't told anyone yet. We're waiting until she's born, because we don't want anyone else's opinions colouring our happiness.

We have to be up early tomorrow morning. Ryan is going to day care for the day, and I have to admit I'm distracted by the thought that he'll feel abandoned if labour goes really long, and he needs to stay the night. He's never spent the night away from me and Bill before. He's always been with one or the other of us. My bags have been packed for a while, except for last minute toiletries and stuff. I need to make sure Ryan's bag is packed for overnight tomorrow as well, just in case. Everything seems so surreal, and yet, so blindingly normal at the same time.

I'll see you tomorrow, Lorelei

Love mummy.

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