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03-9-2008 - Things aren't always what they seem...

My mood while writing this blog: crummy

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I thought I could do this. But it seems I can't, well not anymore. I thought that things would get better from here, and maybe I complain too much. But what good is a blog if you can't rant and rave and act crazy?

I went to get the hubby from work today. He has a 24 hour shift every three days for the next few weeks, and it sucks. But at least we get to spend an hour at lunch and dinner together. When I picked him up, I got a sick feeling in my stomach, like something was wrong. I said, "Oh no, don't tell me" (and I thought that somehow they found a way to make him deploy in October with everyone). I don't know what came over me, but I was truly sad. He just said nothing was wrong, work was busy and kind of rough, but that was it. A few hours after he went back to his shift, I got a phonecall. He asked if I wanted the bad news over the phone or in person. Immediately I just knew what was going on. I have always been really intuitive and somehow I knew before it happened. He is going back to Iraq and he has one month left at home. Originally he was supposed to be on the rear detachment unit this time around, but somehow he has to go. I immediately broke down and I don't know what to do with myself. We've been trying since he got back from the last deployment (15 months apart isn't easy), and if we don't hit the mark by October.....that's it. I have one cycle left and that's it, and it will take a miracle. I could really, really use one right about now. It's not even the fact that we don't have that much time left to try and get pregnant; it's just everything. It's not having him here every night in bed, not being here to watch the kids change and grow as much as they do, it's not having him here to share my life with. I want to throw my hands up in the air. I feel like I've been cheated, like I did something wrong and now I'm being punished. I truly thought things would get better, that the crazy life I've been living would somehow get easier, but somehow it is getting harder. And I can't help but break down.

Why doesn't anything seem to make any sense lately? Why must things always get worse, before they ever, ever, ever get better?

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11 Comments on Things aren't always what they seem...


thenorthcutts - Wednesday, 10 Sep
You dont know me but I understand how you feel. My husband is in the Army and I hate the "do you want the good new or bad news first" and it always seems they are BOTH bad news. Its always "The bad news is im going overseas and the good news is i'll only be gone 12 months this time" whatever! I'm so sorry hes leaving and I pray you'll get your BFP before he leaves! My husband is in the rear detachment until he re-enlist because his brother got killed in action in iraq so hes the last son but if he reups they take him out of rear d. so my hubby will be going soon too im sure :[ im here if you need to talk!

Candice - Wednesday, 3 Sep
I'm so sorry--I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have your husband leave for such long periods of time. I hope that you get that BFP!!!!!!!!!

proudmommyof2.. - Wednesday, 3 Sep
Awww... I just want to say I'm so sorry!!! I would be feeling exactly what your feeling I"m sure!!! I will pray that you will get your miracle before he deploys and that he stays safe during his time in Iraq!

Jelly27 - Wednesday, 3 Sep
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Deployment is the name of the game when you are an army wife. I think that is why I'm going as fast as I can to get treatments. My husband could go at any minute too.
Try to stay positive, even though I know this really sucks!

leesa007 - Wednesday, 3 Sep
Oh Sarah, I am so sorry to hear about your hubby being deployed. I am always praying for you. I wish I could do more for you.

grexach - Wednesday, 3 Sep
I'm so sorry, honey. I can not even imagine what it must be like to have hubby gone for such long stretches at a time, and also to worry about him so much while he is gone. I am thinking of you and sending you 100% of my support. :)

christinesc - Wednesday, 3 Sep
Wow, I don't even know what to say. It makes becoming 35 no big deal at all. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I wish I could make things better for you. And I can't even imagine how your husband must feel. Just try and stay strong. I'm going to be praying for that miracle BIG TIME! I'm here for you. xx

luckywhite - Wednesday, 3 Sep
i feel like crying for you - in fact im having a bad day to so i will..

much love
xx

minkymoo78 - Wednesday, 3 Sep
that's so sad that he has to go away, I'm so sorry for you. How long will he be gone for? Maybe you will get that miracle this month, I hope so x

GreenWood - Wednesday, 3 Sep
Oh Sarah, sweetheart.... I wish I was there to put my arms round you right now. That's just dreadful news for you guys, and I can imagine must feel like the cherry on the cake of a long list of hurdles you guys have had in your path to expanding your family. I can't imagine what it must be like trying to maintain a marriage and sense of a family unit when your husband has to be away for such extended periods of time... My heart goes out to you.
But I know for a fact that you are a strong, brave woman and that once this initial sadness and dread passes, you'll turn it round- if you guys have 1 more cycle before deployment, then jump in with both feet, and if you don't have luck on your side then you'll have that time to get your body healthy and in tip top working order ready for his return.
You can do this Sarah. I know you can. Em x

tinkerbear - Wednesday, 3 Sep
I am soooo sorry to here about your husband having to go over seas again. That has got to be so difficult. My brother is leaving in December for 18 months. He has a 3 year old and just returned from Boot Camp 2 months ago ( talk about hardly being trained yet). I really can't imagine what it is like having them gone. But I am keeping my fingers, legs, arms, and everything crossed that this is your month. Just keep on trying and enjoy the time your hubby is here. Remember, all things happen for a reason... so there has to be good behind all of this.