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26-6-2008 - Holy Time Warp Batman - 5/14/2008

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

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I can't believe it! It's been 2 weeks already that I've been out in the world. It really does go fast! Well, I suppose then that you all want to know what's been happening. So here goes!

Let's start with the umbilical cord 'cause that's just a weird thing to talk about. Isn't that a weird word? Umbilical. Um-bilical. Am-bilical? No. Um-bilical. Ummmm-bilical. Oh, ha! Sorry... got distracted. Ok, as you know, I went to the doctor 3 times during week 1. Well, on the third visit, he put some stuff on my umbilical cord, what was left of it anyway, to help dry it up so it would fall off. While he was doing that, I'm pretty sure I heard him tell the parents that it should fall off in a week or so. Now I say pretty sure because this was about 5 minutes before they were going to take me back and do the "snip" so I was kinda freaking out and not totally paying attention to the conversation. Well, it fell off like the next day! So what does that mean? Hmmm? The stuff they put on me, Silver Nitrate was it? Isn't that one of the tools to they use in large doses to fight werewolves? I'm not sure why they would use that on me, but werewolf would explain the hair!

While we're on the subject of hairy beasts, what's the deal with that fuzzball they call Jessie running around? I think they call it a dog and I know they said it was a girl. Dad thinks it's so cute and funny to put me down where she can reach me with her cold nose and slimy tongue. She rubs that cold nose against my face and starts licking me! She licks my face, my arms, my feet and dad just laughs! He thinks it's histerical. Oh yeah, it won't be so funny the next time I hurl on him. Yeah, I'll be the one laughing then! Here's the thing though. All of you people that have been coming over, didn't they make you wash your hands before picking me up? Ok, well they deifinitely do not make her wash her tongue or even brush her teeth before she starts in on me cause her breath is a stink! Maybe I'm just sensitive cause I've only been smelling for a couple weeks, but I'm thinking she eats poo. Her breath and my diaper... no so different.

Ok, on to baths. Now I have been getting sponge baths since the beginning but I want to take the time to describe my experiences so other moms and kids out there can learn from it. First of all I want to let all you parent wanna-bees know that when ya fill a bucket with barely warm water, it gets cold really fast! Now I know they are afraid of burning me, but it's pretty simple... warm good, cold bad. I kept telling mom and dad this but it's like they can't understand me. It's weird. It took like a week for it to sink in so the first few baths started out really warm and ended by freezing my butt off! Anyway... they start by washing my hair. I kinda like that actually, feels kinda funny and it lends itself to a great game. I've got mom fooled. When my hair is wet, I grunt real hard and make the hair get all curly and mom says "See? He does have curly hair!". But when it dries, I let it go straight again. Yep, I've got her totally confused! Then, they move on to the hands and arms. I'm sure you all know that I have been curled up in a ball for the last 9 months, so pulling my arms and legs out straight is not one of my favorite things at this point. The parents know this but insist on doing it despite my cries of anger. Again, they aren't listening to me! I mean seriously, how dirty can I be anyway? All I do is eat, poo and blog! Next is the belly and back. This I like as well, as long as the water is warm, but they always seem to get the bungee, hammock thing they lay me in wet so its totally cold when they lay me back down on it. As if this wasn't torture enough, they rip off my diaper and yank my butt off the hammock thing and start to clean my private regions with the wash cloth from the now cold bucket! Finally they finish drying me off and put my diaper and cloths on. What an ordeal.

One of my favorite things that happened this week falls in the category of the diaper games. I thought up a new trick this week to use against the parental units. I call it the reverse distraction rope-a-dope. It's not for the fait of heart, so if you are squeamish you might want to cover your eyes. Early this week, as mom started to change my diaper I laid there very calm and still trying to look sleepy. Just as I'd hoped, thinking I was out, she took the dirty diaper off but did not immediately put the new one in place. This was it! It was my chance! So I pushed real hard and gave a big grunt (I'm big into grunting now)! BOOM! I pushed so hard that the "yuck" hit the cage they make me sleep in like 3 feet away! It was awesome! Then while she was distracted scrambling to get the diaper under me I pushed again and shot a stream at least the same distance in the opposite direction! HA! It worked great! She totally freaked, gave out a yell and dad came into the room. Don't tell mom, but he laughed! He thought it was funny! I am so happy. That was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I pulled it off flawlessly!

Let's talk buggers now. Apparently, either I am not old enough to get to use Kleenex like the rest of the world or my parents are just using me for their sick, twisted games. They tilt my head back and stick this seriously huge blue thing up my nose. That thing feels like it's gonna suck the brains right out of my head! It makes my eye all twitchy, my ear itch and the worst thing is that they can never get the bugger out in one try! They always have to do it like 3 or 4 times! It leaves me feeling all weird! Impression, "That's all I have to say about that".

Well, I think that about covers this week so I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

“I always wondered why babies spent so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.” --Robert Orben

Karson Out!

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