02-6-2009 - Discouragement

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

Whenever I speak with Dustin, I get so discouraged. I realize that times will never get easier. So I must learn how to handle everything with maturity. Besides the fact that I know I have done nothing wrong to him, I feel accused and hurt that he calls me weak and unloving to consider adoption for this baby. While my own strength is unimpressive, my stance and situation is more stable than his. I persevere with loyalty and devotion to people I love. His demand for taking away the baby is just doesn't make any sense to me. How could I trust him after all his hurtful actions and words? He calls me psycho for not knowing by now what I want for this baby still. It's not about what I want though, it's about what this baby needs/wants. He never bothers to ask me how I'm doing, only to disagree with the ideas I have and put me down. This is so upsetting to me, I am ashamed of this baby's father for betraying me. I have done nothing wrong to him, but feel constantly downtrodden by him. Next Monday, I have a consultation with an adoption attourney, to learn the law and what my options are for single parenting or adoption-- and the complications with the father. Oh- I've gained 2 lbs, according to the doc =). This baby is a blessing. I just wish I could be all that I need to be in order to provide for him/her.