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11-6-2008 - Tuesday May 27 2008

My mood while writing this blog: angry

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well I am at work, waiting on my sis and mom to get here to cover me at work, Friday was horrible, amniotic fluid was at 6 from the previous 16, I asked the dr with everything that is wrong, and with how fast its gone wrong, what he thought most likely was wrong with my boy, well its about everything horrible....deaf, possibly blind, he may not be self sufficient....all the bad stuff, Shawna went with me, and her words to me after were that I dont make it sound as bad as it is....so all my baby stuff is in its piles awaiting to be returned, because most likely I will never get to meet my lil man that I so much want...my heart is completely torn, and I am so angry I couldnt tell you...I have faith in absolutely nothing, and I no longer believe in this so called "god".....so that is where I am at right now....it is so unfair words cannot begin to tell you...I have so much anger....10 am today will let me see what else has gone wrong...yay.

Okay, back to work after my appt....well the amniotic fluid is now gone, his heart is now enlarged, they gave me 48 hrs to decide on the medical termination....if I do it, they will inject the sac with potassium to stop his heart and then give me pills to start labor, which I will have to be awake for...wow can we say CRUEL?!?!? If I do not, he may die inside of me, due to the pressure on the umbilical cord....his heart is enlarged because my lovely placenta is enlarged and not working properly because of the lovely cmv virus....he isnt getting enough blood....so my page will most likely be gone...I dont have internet at home, because I have been saving money for my maternity leave, now I guess I dont need to save anymore....I am sorry to all of you that truely believe in this "larger plan" and this "god" I honestly did at one time, but I did everything right, and still all this, my sister went with me friday and told me that I make it sound not as bad as it really is, not on purpose, I guess I try to filter what I say? If it werent for my lil girl, I most certainly would not be able to handle this situation....but again, thank you for all the kind words, and I hope NONE of you have to go through this....please tell every woman about CMV....by the time they test for it, its sooo late....please learn about it....I've never heard about it...until now..and I work in a pediatric office....yes its only 1%- 2% of pregnant women, but when your that 1-2%, lemme tell you, its all you think about, so please please for me and my lil guy, tell every woman about this, and have them tested before they even get pregnant, or even at the first visit, and learn about it, all you have to do is be careful not to be around very small children, or kiss them on the lips, do lots of hand washing...even tho that I did....I work with children...and so I have no clue how I got it..but please just know about it....

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