03-2-2009 - I wish I could smack you when you say...

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

Yes, some of them are the small, seemingly innocent questions and remarks that, while okay in the first couple of weeks, soon grow to be too much to bear when you're hearing them for the 1,000th time that week (and possibly from the same person who keeps repeatedly asking you the same damn thing). Others simply make your jaw drop when you're asked because you simply refuse to believe anyone would or could make their lips form the words. Apparently some people's brains are not connected to their mouths. At least not where pregnant women are concerned.

1. When's your due date?

While seemingly benign, this question soon turns toxic when you have to respond to it 50 times a day from 50 different people. I actually toyed with the idea of having a t-shirt made that says "Due February 26".

2. Is it a boy or girl?

Add to that t-shirt "It's a girl...yes, I HAVE told you this about 10 times already. Please write it down for future reference."

3. Have you decided on a name?

Yes, we have. No, it's none of your business. Yes, I realize no matter what the father and I decide you feel, for some unknown reason, that you should either turn your name up at the name, decide the child should be named after you, or offer your own counter-suggestions since by all means, YOU really did play a part in creating this life, didn't you?

4. Were you trying to get pregnant? (Also phrased as "How long did it take you to get pregnant?")

Last time I checked my sex life is between me and DH. That's it.

5. Wow, you look tired.

Really? I hadn't realized the constant nausea/vomiting, heartburn, hip pain, backaches, fatigue, etc had actually taken a toll on me. You mean creating a baby inside me is a hard job? Who would have thought?

6. You better get your rest while you still can.

Please refer to #5 to see the list of reasons I can't get any rest. And thank you for your condescending, know-it-all attitude. It really helps me like you more as a person.

7. Look what you've gotten yourself into (while pointing to their horrible child or telling you some god awful story about how their 5 yd just got kicked out of school).

I am sorry you do not like your children. I am sorry your children do not know how to behave or you feel like you have done some kind of horrible wrong to yourself by giving birth. I am plan on enjoying motherhood AND having a well behaved child. Somehow my mother managed it...think I can also.

8. Are you going to breastfeed?

Wow. Since when did my breasts and the fluid coming or not coming out of them suddenly become your concern? Unless you are going to be the one nursing, I don't believe it's your business what I do with my tatas!

9. Are you having contractions?

Are you having an irritable bowel day? When was the last time you had diahhrea? Oh, don't want to talk about it? Well, I don't want to discuss my contractions (or even lack thereof) with you either.

10. What'd the doctor say? (this also comes in the form of "How'd the doctor's appt go?")

Do I ask you how your yearly exam went? Do I ask you about the results of your pap smear? No? Well, then maybe you shouldn't ask me about my doctor's appt. Especially when I didn't even tell you I had an appt, you were just nosey and saw me leavin early so you ASSUMED.

11. What's your husband think?

Why, he thinks I am giving birth to a chia pet. WTF do you think he thinks? He's excited. And even if he wasn't do you really think I would tell you, random person, that he's not?

12. Bet you're excited.

Please, if you really feel the need to fill an awkward silence, don't. Just walk away.

13. Where are you delivering?

While this is really no one's business and I'm not sure why anyone wants to know, especially a co-worker who would never be invited to your hospital room in a million years, it always ends with the same thing: the person asking the question telling you the horror stories they have "heard" from others. Every hospital has horror stories. Everyone "hears" a bunch of shit that isn't true and never happened. Do us both a favor and don't share.

14. Wow, you're huge! (Also can be "Sure you're not carrying twins?")

Now you know you're dealing with a true genius. They know you're carrying a child inside you but somehow still can't believe that you have to gain weight in order to do this.

15. How long of a leave are you taking?

Once again, not a huge issue, but why is it anyone's business and why do I have to tell everyone I have come in contact with for the past 36 wks?

16. Haven't you had that baby yet?

Seriously? That's all I have to say to this one.

17. So, how far dilated are you?

Since when did the current status and exact opening of my cervix in centimeters become the topic of conversation? Do you really have that big of an interest in my vagina? Shall I take some pics for you?

18. Do you have the nursery ready?

NO! I don't. Thank you for throwing that up in my face as it isn't currently worrying me to death every single second of every day. You rock!

19. Is the baby moving a lot?

Did you ever think that maybe she hasn't been moving a lot today and that might be worrying me, so I don't need you asking me this? It's like reinforcing something is wrong.

20. How are you doing?

Every single day by every single person you see. Do you really want me to sit down and spend the next 2 hours telling you how I feel? No, well, then don't ask because I am tired of doing the obligatory "fine".

21. Is the baby okay?

This one really gets me. If the baby wasn't doing ok, wouldn't you feel like a complete ass for asking such a stupid question? And if I knew she wasn't doing okay wouldn't I be at the doctor's office or the hospital?

22. I can't wait to hold her.

This is okay for family members and close friends. Not so okay when you have random coworkers you barely even remember the name of telling you this. I don't know you, you won't be holding my baby.

23. Your boobs haven't gotten any bigger. It's good tho, since you've always been blessed with a small chest.

First of all, what a bitch you are. Second of all, I wear a size D already, they haven't gotten much bigger, and what business of it is yours again?

24. Has your morning sickness started yet?

For some unknown reason, I was asked this odd question multiple times by different people when I was already in my second trimester. Last time I checked, most women have first trimester nausea. Second, does my gag reflex and puking shedule really interest you that much?

25. When are you going to start your maternity leave?

Will you be completing my work while I am out? No? Oh, then it must be none of your damn business. Quit acting like it's such a chore for you to see me at work. Again. Today. I will be here tomorrow also. You don't need to ask me the same question again then. When I am not here anymore my desk will be empty. Please feel free to complete stalker like walk bys to see if I have left yet. Just don't expect to engage me in conversation.

26. I'm so tired.

Yes, non-preggers having the nerve to complain to ME about how tired they are. Oh, you got drunk after partying and drinking all night and passed out on the couch? So you're tired today? Wow. Lucky you. I grew some vital organs yesterday for my baby, drank a glass of milk, and passed out at 8:00, too exhausted to even get up to go to the bathroom for the 15th time. Somehow your night and subsequent hangover still sounds less horrifying.

27.You know you shouldn't be eating/drinking that, right? (Also: Should I tell you how bad that is for your child?/ Do you know what you're doing to your baby?)

First of all, it's none of your business what I put into my body. Don't assume because you see a coke can that I am hyped up on caffeine. And even if I was, why is that your concern? It's not. Move along.

28. Are you worried about your child's hair? My friend said she didn't want to have any girls because she didn't want to worry about their hair.

First of all, what an ignorant ass comment. Yes, my child will be bi-racial. No, I don't know what type of hair she will have. No, I don't regret her being a girl because she will have hair...a boy would have hair also. And can we mention the biggest point of all - Plenty of white people have bad hair too! Not only can black or bi-racial children have nightmare hair. I have seen many white boys and girls with jacked up hair. Why don't you quit focusing on her ethnicity and find something more productive to do with your time?

Oh, and I do not need to hear about your wonderful/horrible pregnany, labor, delivery, etc. I am my own person with my own experiences. Every one is different. Just because you experienced something, doesn't mean I will. I also don't need to hear your advice on child rearing. Or how many diapers a child goes thru or how expensive a child is, or any other unsolicited advice you feel the need to impart on me. If I want your advice, I will ask for it. More than likely tho, I will ask my friends, family, or perhaps even chat with a few women online who know exactly what I am going thru. So, in short, if you feel the need to say something stupid, do us both a favor and just smile and walk on by.

Feel free to add more ladies, as I am sure I forgot several...