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22-4-2009 - The second hurdle

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

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The first hurdle was to get pregnant. That hurdle was overcome much sooner that I expected and, admittedly, it has felt a little too good to be true ever since. The second hurdle is to have the first ultrasound and hear the words "a viable pregnancy". That hurdle is at 4.00pm today. On the surface, and even in my conscious thought, I feel fine. But I sense, deep within me, a fear and anxiety that I just cannot articulate. In a strange way, I'm almost frightened of both possible outcomes. If there is something wrong (blighted ovum, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, phantom pregnancy, no heartbeat, or the myriad other things that could be wrong at this point) I'm not quite sure how I would even begin to process it. On the one hand, I would be devastated if something was amiss. But on the other, if there is something wrong and nature has recognised it now then is that a blessing in disguise? Then again, if there isn't anything wrong and the word "viable" is bandied around without hesitation, then I know that the third, and scariest, hurdle is just around the corner - will this little one have kidneys? Will my nightmare play itself out all over again? I knew this pregnancy would be anxiety-ridden and contradictory and all-consuming, I just hope I can get better at coping as the months go on - for this is frickin' exhausting!

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