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01-5-2009 - Seven Weeks and Four Days...

My mood while writing this blog: ok

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Well, I'm looking pregnant (not sure if it's because I was pregnant only seven months ago, because there are two taking up real estate in there or if I've just been eating too much) and feeling pregnant (yep - all the standard symptoms - bit queasy, headachy at times, pulls and tugs in abdomen, stupidly hungry and so exhausted I can't see straight), yet the anxiety is persisting. It's funny, I often have incredibly strong and incredibly accurate intuition about certain things - which is kind of funny really because I'm often such a logical/scientific kind of chick. Nevertheless, there have been a few things in my life that I have been completely and utterly spot on about and there is no possible way - aside from intuition - that could explain them.

Firstly, when I was pregnant with my little Zander I just knew that something wasn't right, which is kind of strange really, given that my previous pregnancy was absolutely 'text book' and just about every other female in my family has had 'text book' pregnancies as well. In spite of this, however, my anxiety persisted. For the first 12 weeks I would check my underwear for blood (sorry, TMI) every (and I mean every) time I went to the bathroom. Before every scan I would feel nauseus - and not just 'pregnancy nausea', but the nausea that comes only from a deep and unexplained fear. In an effort to combat it and feel a little more 'in control' I would madly research all the possible nasty little surprises that could be unearthed at each scan (e.g. blighted ovum in the early stages, Down's Syndrome at the 13 week scan, and major abnormalities at the 20 week scan) and breathe only a small sigh of relief when things turned out ok. When Zander's lack of kidneys was finally revealed I was, naturally, absolutely grief stricken, but there was still a small part of me that quietly nodded, for I had really known all along.

This time around, I 'knew' that I was having twins. There was really no logical or scientific basis for this 'knowledge', but I just knew. I mentioned it to my girlfriend just before we found out, and earlier in the day I had researched '6 weeks twin ultrasound images' on the internet so that I would be familiar with what the screen would look like if I was right. Even before the sonographer told us, I recognised what was on the screen and my 'knowledge' was confirmed.

Now though, I have let a lot of information in. I know that my risk of miscarriage is higher (including miscarrying one baby - known as 'vanishing twin syndrome'), I know that the rate of complication is much higher and I know that the rate of preterm labour (and its various complications) is also higher. Now I can no longer trust my intuition - for she has been bombarded with too much knowledge, too many images and the words of too many well-meaning people. All I can really hold onto at this point is the feeling I had in the ultrasound room when I got to see them on the screen - the feeling that everything was going to be ok. Denial? Maybe. Intuition? Maybe. I guess there's no way of knowing when I'll find out. I do have an extra scan booked for next Tuesday. I should be 8 weeks along by then. I'm really hoping that I get to see them both up on the screen again, hearts-beating and limb-buds flailing... Until then, I am going to try really hard to hold onto the preciousness of the thought that 'there are 3 hearts beating inside my body right now... and I may never get to experience that again.'

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1 Comments on Seven Weeks and Four Days...


tiannamarie0812 - Thursday, 14 May
Whats crazy is i do the same thing you do Mama Steph. I check my underwear EVERYTIME, that or when i wipe i check the tissue. Its a scary feeling!