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30-9-2009 - 29w1d

My mood while writing this blog: reflective

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Gosh, I've only just realised how long it has been since I have written... Admittedly, though, I'm not feeling particularly chatty, largely because it is the one year anniversary of my baby son Zander's death. It's been a rough day to say the least. We have started some really lovely traditions, though, which helped keep the grief at bay, and I'm sure that they will help in all the years that lay ahead of us... Firstly, we made a family trek (my partner, ten year old son and myself) out to the State Forest where we buried his ashes... I couldn't go the whole way in (because I don't think my twin-laden body would have coped with the several kilometre walk), but my son took in flowers from our garden and scattered them in and around the stream near his resting place for me... then we baked a cake... [It may seem a little morbid, but I remember thinking 'I won't even get to make him a birthday cake' over and over again... so I decided I should make one every year...] Then, we sat outside and ate our cake while we slowly released twenty balloons... We watched them soar high above the clouds and we tried, as best we could, to say our goodbyes again... And, while it never feels like we have done enough to honour his memory, I feel a lot more at piece tonight than I did when I first woke up this morning... I just can't believe it has already been a year...

All sad things aside, it appears as though our twin boys are doing really well... only nine weeks maximum until they arrive... but it's still very abstract if the truth be told... I think it won't sink in until they're actually in my arms... We have begun buying things for the nursery though (a VERY big step!) and we've decided to start painting their bedroom this coming weekend... I'm hoping that once everything is set up that their impending arrival will feel a little more tangible... I just keep thinking "could we be so lucky... to have two babies...?" See, the excitement is so there... it's always just under the surface... God I can't wait...

I'm off to the obstetrician tomorrow as well - I'm starting to worry about how they'll be delivered... In some ways I really want a natural birth... it's what I know... and the recover time is so much shorter... That being said, my research seems to be suggesting that there is a higher risk of things going wrong with the bubs with a natural birth... And my ob is such a stick in the mud that I'm worried he'll bully me into a natural birth and then I'll be overcome with anxiety/panic during... terrified that something might go wrong! So, assertive Steph needs to go to that appointment tomorrow me thinks!!

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4 Comments on 29w1d


ourlittlehogi - Monday, 5 Oct
good to hear a post from you. congrats for making it through Zander's first birthday. you did some lovely things to honor his memory. i'm hoping to be so creative and find ways to honor him that do help bring peace and release. love the belly photo. i can so relate to the excitement being there but under the surface. at least you can write it out even! what a joy those two babies will be. keep up the good work, in grieving and in moving forward

happy out - Wednesday, 30 Sep
what a beautiful tribute to your son, brought a tear to my eye, so touching!

sirat - Wednesday, 30 Sep
i can almost see the hurt your feeling....Live does go on and tough as it is, time does heal...Keep focused on the twins arrival and keep looking ahead..someitmes forgeting can be just as important as remembering and MUCH more difficult

jennamoz - Wednesday, 30 Sep
Congrats making it to the 3rd trimester! It is hard to believe that we have less than 10 weeks left!!! Time goes by fast. I'm just trying to enjoy the time that's left even if I'm uncomfortable. How are you feeling? Well, take care!