09-12-2008 - Dec 9

My mood while writing this blog: content

Well this is an update,but I really dont have any news for sure yet. I had my u/s done. The baby would not cooperate so the Dr could not get all the pics they needed to rule out trisomy 18. The geneic counslor explained that the ultrasound was only 80 % correct in detecting babies with trisomy 18. Since they could not get all the pics they needed. I have to go back on the 16th for another u/s and to have an amino then. I can have the results of the amino back in 1 week. I should know before Christmas the results. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I thnik I have decided to have the baby even if the baby will have trisomy 18. Please tell me if I am being resonable or not. I am one that believes it is better to love and loss than to never love at all. I feel any time I have with my baby is better than no time at all. Yes, I have thought about the impact of my choice on the oher children but they are sooo excited anyways at this point telling them anything is going to break their hearts. My family and husband thinks it is better to terminate, but I dont think I can do that. Plus, I am almost 21 weeks to terminate is not going to be easy. It surely will not be a D&C that I will have to go thru. It will be more involved to terminate this far along. Plus the city where I live doesn ot terminate at this stage so I will have to travel out of town to go thru with the choice. This is my baby and I am the one that has to take care of him or her and will have to deal with my choice for the rest of my life. Am i crazy or does this make since to amyone else? If you were in my shoes what would you do?

Home wrecker update-I have not answered anymore calls at this point. She has called me once last night and twice while I was a the Dr office getting my u/s done and once later that same night. I have clearly let my husband know that he does not have to be here to see the children. If he wants to be with her he can leave. Needless-to-say, he is still at the house. I refuse to fight with him and so for the moment I have choose to treat him as a roommate. We live together but I am concerned with my health, children and the pregnancy to worry about him and his issues. Once all of this is over, then I can put my energy towards him and do what I know i have to do. This is going to be very difficult because I some crazy way i have feelings for him, but We deserve better. Plus to be happy in life I need to break free. but as a woman I can only consentrate on so many things at a time and that is this pregnancy, my other children and my health.

My health, Well i guess I feel better since i left the hospital. I still get very short of breath and wheez. I am still running a low grade temp and run out of energy fast. I have more breathing test schduled for this week and have to go back to the hospital this weekend to stay the night for more test. But I really was shocked when I received a letter form my insurance company approving my Doctors request for me to attend end of life counseling and discussion group. Damn- i know the Dr told me that if i had another attack like this I proably would not make it thru it. But I guess I heard that- but never HEARD what he was really saying. On top of everything else I have more to think about. At 31 years old, who wants to attend end of life couseling and a disscussion group. I should have much more life to live. I should not be thinking of what will happen in the end. i find myself sitting back and watching my husband and children interact without me and think this is what their life would be without me. It makes me sad. I often am crying. I should not be thinking in terms of the end. Anyways- I have made appt with another Dr that I will see on Monday to get a second opinion. I truely hope all my others Doctors are wrong. I hope there are more medical choices. The doctors I have been seeing have told me they are running of the choices to treat me and it takes longer and longer and more and more medicine to turn me around when this happens. Please let this Doctor know of more medicinces or options. Of course I will let everyone know how things go as I find out the results. Please understand why I have not been on her as much and why it takes me longer to respond. I hope everyone is well and things are going well for all of you. I would not know what I would do without all of you. HUGS to all of you.

MyHotComments

My prayers are with you sweetie!.......................
I really hope you get some happy new soon!
GODBLESS you and your familyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx