16-9-2008 - Maybe it's just me

My mood while writing this blog: Praying for answers and blessings

Maybe it's just me but I have been so moody lately. Every little thing I don't have patience for anymore. I'm stressed and I overwhelm over many things that I should just leave in God's hands but sometimes I just put on my cape and see how far I go. I say I'm superwoman because I wanna conquer it all. Single mom, Full time student, full time employee and still young in my 20's but why do I feel like I lived the life of a 50 year old. My boyfriend is so stubborn and moody and treats everyone basically the same - me included. I told him that I'm not like anyone else he's ever met so he can't treat me like any and every f'ing body. To me he's not if hardly phased as to this latest loss. It took a while for him to come around even after the first miscarriage at 17 weeks. It seems as if he's taking my emotions for attitude and refuses to let his pride down and get mad at me. When these times arise I begin to wonder if it is him who is the one. Don't get me wrong, I love him madly and dearly but my grandmother always said that whatever makes you happy isn't always good for you. I just wonder...

I so desperately want a kid with him and I can see our future. But I can't take it when he wants to act as if I'm a stranger and don't exist as if I'm on his shit list. This whole summer's been very trying and I'm still going through stuff with my daughter's father as if he's the only one in a recession. Every little break he can get he's taking me back to court always talking he don't have money. Well guess what it's a country and world wide thing and not a you thing. HELLO, no one is balling with money unless they're already well off. And taking money from your baby's mouth ain't gonna make things any better. There's already so much extra I don't tell him to help me on, uniforms, health insurance, swim classes. I guess that's why most women refer to them as sperm donors cause that's the best thing they could've ever done.

At least my job was saved by the gov't and their loan. Thank GOD for that one cause if not I was ready to take baby daddy to court and give my sob story and tell my bf to go kick rocks cause I got way bigger things to focus on instead of if he's talking to me or cares how I feel. Maybe it's me, hopefully it's a phase or dark period, maybe it's not me but I hope this chapter is almost finished cause I want it all, a baby, my happy daughter, the love of my life and to finish school. Let me wish on a star now!

To be continued ( I ain't staying after 5 to write this). I can think on the train and vent when I get home) lol.