02-2-2009 - the first day of the end. (was posted on profile)

My mood while writing this blog: torn

1/19/2009

this morning hubbs and i went in for my u/s to find out the sex of the baby. the first thing the tech says is "have you noticed any leaking?" um, no. leaking what? where? her response- theres no fluid around the baby. she continues with the u/s trying to find the sex, and no luck. baby had its legs crossed and its feet were up by its face, butt straight over my cervix. we finished the u/s and the tech said to wait a few and the dr would be right with us. we walk to the waiting room, sit down and as im calling my mom they call my name to go in to a diff room. not 30 seconds later the dr comes in and says theyre sending me for an emergency level 2 u/s. they dont see any fluid around the baby and want to see if my water has broken. now im getting quite worried. we go to another building and are seen within minutes. i am in tears the whole time. the only thing i can get anyone to say is are you sure youre not leaking?

what is with the leaking????

the tech at the lv.2 u/s is poking and prodding around looking at EVERYTHING. a good 45 minutes later she says im going to get the dr so he can double check this and look himself. they both come right back and he starts checking stuff too. about 10 minutes later he takes a deep breath and says i see some abnormalities.

abnormalities? are we talking downs or mental handicap or deformed limbs? you gotta give me somethin here!

he said the lack of fluid was caused by the baby not producing it. the basic rundown is this (this is my list, he was wayyyyyy nicer about talking about all this...), there is no right kidney, the left is almost non existent. there is little to no brain tissue, and very dialated vessels in the head. the lungs have ceased development and the stomach never formed. the heart was extremely abnormal as well, beating at 160 bpm, but developmentally not proper. because of the severe lack of fluid if the baby went to term it would have damage to the joints because it cant move in the womb. he said he could not give me 100% definite on whether or not the baby would survive, as miracles do happen. but he felt confident in saying that factoring in all the "abnormalities" he detected, statistically and medically speaking baby had less than a 1% chance of surviving more than an hour after birth. in the womb however, it might be different and my placenta my be able to support it, but theres no telling for how long. the cause: an extra damn chromosome.

at the end of the day, im still pregnant. i dont know for how much longer, but i am now. i am scared to death and so confused about all this. my last miscarriage was 9 years ago, and i was only 10 weeks along. i am 20 weeks now, and even tho its alive now, theres no telling when its going to pass. they told me that in the state of GA, you can have an abortion up to 24 weeks, but unfortunately i cant stand the thought of putting this baby in any pain. it is a baby and im sure it can feel something. getting its body sucked apart by someone with a hi-tech vacuum could not be pleasant. i dont believe in abortions. never have, and even in this situation, i still dont.

i am praying that it passes quickly. every move i feel makes me cry as i dont want to lose it. i am carrying something waiting for it to pass away. just sitting and waiting. i dont know what else i can do. the hospital will not induce labor for me and its torture. they said the only way they can aid in labor is after it passes away or if it causes problems for me health wise. i am so lost. i just dont know what to do, feel, say, think..... im scared. im hurt. i just, ugh, i just dont know.