22-1-2009 - update 1/22 - CVS testing

My mood while writing this blog: still numb

as we all know i had my u/s on monday (1/19). they didnt find some crucial necessities needed for the baby to survive. they gave me an opportunity to do a CVS test. Choronic Villus Sample. its like an amniocentesis, except they take a sample from the placenta instead of the amniotic fluid.

i am honestly scared of the results of the test. dr said he was 99.99% sure it was an issue with baby having an extra chromosome, but without the test there was no 100% either way. what scares me is if the test comes back negative, they wont be able to tell me what exactly it was that caused this anomaly.

for the last couple of years i have been on some serious meds ranging from mood stabilizers to anti anxiety to anti psychotic to muscle relaxers and pain killers for my arthritis. 5 out of 7 of my meds were proven to cause severe birth defects, even when stopping 6 months prior to conception. i had not been on those for a few months before noticing i had not had a period. i had no problem accepting this, as i was sure i could not have any more kids. another oops from the magical land of the medical field!

i was talking with MIL tues night and she wanted to know if the CVS test could say anything about my kids kids. would any of my children possibly suffer this during their pregnancies? i called the dr weds morning and went through my list of questions about the chromosomal anomaly being hereditary. with alot of "ifs, ands, ors and buts" thrown in, basically yes. it is. to an extent, and with the test they will be able to tell me if the chromosome that caused this preg to fail will be passed to my kids. if its a different gene however, all the test will be able to tell me is what its not that caused this- end.

this morning (thurs 1/22) i had the CVS test done. hoping that they will be able to tell me something about my kids, and my MIL can pass the info to the others on hubbs side who are child bearing. there have been multiple miscarriages and 1 successful birth with issues, all the organs were rearranged. the baby is fine, tons of surgeries and stuff, but he is doing great for now. i would say from the stories ive heard, about 50% of the pregnancies on my father in laws side end in miscarriage. the other 50% are perfectly fine. on my fathers side 1 miscarriage out of 3 generations and my mothers side, well im the only one. im speaking strictly of the females in the direct blood line of course. alot of factors i know, but still worth noting i guess.... i dont know. UGH!

anyway, im still in quite a bit of pain and the dr called fedex infront of me and told them it was extremely important the sample be picked up ASAP! he has been so kind through all of this. i should hear something tomorrow if not monday at the latest, he put a serious rush on this for me.

the only way i can explain how i feel is numb. i am still a little angry that things are going the way they are and all, but since theres nothing i can do about it, i try not to dwell on it too much. 2 of my friends are pregnant right now, and they are a little confused on how to act around me. i met with one of them today to give her some of the hand me downs ive recieved so far. she looked so stressed. like she wanted to ask me so many questions, but didnt want to cause upset. i just smiled and told her that for right now, im ok. as ok as one can be, but ok none the less. she let out a deep breath and smiled, and i began the conversation about what exactly was going on with me. for some reason im ok with talking only to some people about this. is that strange?

i had to ask her about her u/s and how her preg was going, she said she was hoping i would ask so she didnt bring up any bad thoughts or anything. i simply explained that while im upset with my situation, i am happy for her. this is her 1st and there is no way im going to ruin her excitement. every mom deserves to be happy. and point blank, if there is ever a day i just dont want to hear it, i just wont answer my phone! im not a beat around the bush kinda girl. signals get too mixed when you do that. suddenly you have issues, miscommunication, white lies, he said she said bullsh*t! oops- rambling.

im trying to take this whole situation one step at a time. i know some days are going to be so much harder than others, and i cant hide in my house forever. but as far as im concerned, baby steps are completely acceptable. thats my story and im sticking to it! (no pun intended....)

i want to say thanks again to all who have sent their support. even though theyre just words on a screen somewhere inside they do mean something to me. i will keep you all posted as things go. it maybe a few days between my appearances on here but know that im doing the best i can. thank you all again and blessed be.