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01-8-2008 - Postpartum depression or just depression in general...

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

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I've really been feeling down for about the past week. What's worse is that I'm feeling down on myself about feeling down because here I have this wonderful baby, how can I be sad? My life is truly the best it has ever been. I have more than I've ever had. I have a baby I tried for for two years. I own a home that I absolutely adore. Yet here I am feeling down.

I keep feeling like I've made a mistake moving to a new home in a new city when I did. I was so excited coming here because my hubby and I had determined that we could afford for me to stay at home with Darwin during the days and work in the evenings. I couldn't think of anything more wonderful than being able to care for my son, or more to the point, keeping people I don't know from caring for my son.

Now it's been nearly 10 weeks. I've been aggressively seeking a job for a month now and can not find one. I'm feeling stressed about bills and money and I'm starting to panic that nothing will come along. I've applied for everything and not had any luck. I've even applied at Walmart. Nothing. It's hard enough for someone that is a professional to resign themselves to working at Walmart or McDonald's. It's worse realizing that even those places don't want you despite your education and great work history. Maybe because of my education and work history...

So now I'm realizing that where I could have stayed in Indy and kept a job that I LOVED and put Darwin in daycare, now I'm probably going to end up at a job I don't love and still end up putting Darwin in daycare. How depressing is that?

And then there's the sleep issue. I haven't had an uninterrupted night of sleep since Darwin was born. My hubby and I agreed that I would be the one to wake with Darwin as long as he is working and I'm not. So I wake up three times every night to feed my little one while my hubby sleeps. I try to nap during the day. I just can't. Then, on the weekends, I try to get my hubby to wake up at least one time a night for a feeding, but that is more work than just doing it myself. Most of the time I can't get him awake and when I do, he's only partially awake so he falls asleep while he's feeding the baby, the bottle falls, and the Darwin starts crying. This happens over and over again. Or, when he is awake enough not to drop the bottle, he will nudge me and ask me to get this or that for him or set the bottle on my nightstand or a slew of other small things that he is totally capable of doing himself. I am so exhausted.

Today has been the apex of the whole thing. I actually yelled at Darwin to PLEASE just GO TO SLEEP! He's a little baby and I'm yelling at him? What the hell?! And then I felt so bad about yelling at him that I just broke down crying. That was three hours ago and I've been crying off and on ever since. I just can't seem to pull myself together.

This whole situation sucks. I just wish I could find a part-time evening job like we planned so I can still stay at home days with Darwin and feel like I'm contributing financially. Then I wouldn't have to stress about all the medical bills piling up and how will we afford to have another if we can't get out of debt from this one...

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5 Comments on Postpartum depression or just depression in general...


thebigtomato - Thursday, 7 Aug
Thanks to everyone for your support. I've been a little better the past couple of days. I'm hoping things are turning around!

military~mommy - Thursday, 7 Aug
Huh. hubby and I both work, make the same amount of money, but I still do most of the night feedings. It is just too much to get him up!

christy33 - Tuesday, 5 Aug
PS- I was out of town, sorry it took so long to get back to you.

christy33 - Tuesday, 5 Aug
I went through the same thing with my 1st son! It is a total shock to the system, especially when it has just been you for so long! I beleive now, looking back, that it was post partum, I cried all the time. I was exhausted for quite some time with this baby, but he is finally starting to sleep more and i'm feeling more rested. I have been doing all the feedings as well because my husband is also the only one working. What a crock of s---! I work 24/7! Right? As for the move we also did the same thing when I was p/g with my 1st, and after 5 months of me crying and us being completely broke, we packed up EVERYTHING, and moved back in with my in-laws 2 hours south of here! We are back in our home now, we stayed with them for 6 months. As for the job, the economy sucks right now, I know so many people out of work and losing there homes, it is very sad. We have been struggling to, this is the 1st time that I have used government assistance. Do you get WIC? I get all my formula for free! What a huge help! I hope to go back to work, but i'd like to stay home for at least a year. Hang in there, I hope that me sharing my story helps. And don't forget if you are feeling that badly, please talk to your doctor, they can prescribe something for you. I'm here if you ever need to talk!

lolabean08 - Saturday, 2 Aug
hey there...just wanted to tell you those are perfectly normal feelings...!!! i tried with all my might to find a job and walmart wouldnt take me either!!! and as far as my hubby not waking up to feed...totally feel you on that one!!! i always joke that i havent had a full night of sleep since apr 06...when i was pregnant enough with my almost 2 yr old that i had to wake up 3 times a night just to pee...then he didnt sleep all the way through the night till 2 days before we brough jacobi home!!! so then i brought home jacobi and still get up 2 times a night to feed him!!! but i do have to say my body has adjusted somehow...it no longer effects me like it used to...and now instead of getting stressed about it...i find it kinda fun to sit there in our dark and quite living room at 1 and 4 in the morning and i just talk to jacobi and he will just stare at me!!! You will get through this i promise!!! and i know at times it can be overwelming and i wish i had great advice but i dont...i had yelled at my middle child when he was a baby a couple of times...and then spent the rest of the night crying...one other thing that i do...is get a cd that i really like ready and then when i get up to feed him i play it...and waalaa i havent gotten stessed at all now...so if anything you will adjust or he might start sleeping through the night...and if not then just try and enjoy the quite time with him...the world seems so quite and peaceful at 1 and 4 in the morning!!! good luck