12-1-2009 - Trying for Darwin - 2006

My mood while writing this blog: wistful

November 21st, 2006

08:53 pm: Here goes...
So this is my first entry to livejournal. I am using this as a trying to conceive journal mostly. I have found that I could use a place to talk about my spouse's and my efforts trying to conceive where I can get some hopefully positive reinforcement. It is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with emotionally. I know it may sound trivial, but unless you've been there, you can't possibly imagine how trying it is. So let me get you caught up...

My husband and I made the decision to start trying to conceive in January of this year so I went off of the pill. I was naive enough to assume that I would probably be pregnant within six months or so. I didn't even have my first period after going off of the pill until July. I was frustrated, but everything I read online about going off of birth control basically said that sometimes it takes up to six months and all you can do is wait. So I did just that. Once my first period started, I thought, "OK, now we can get started!"

August came and went with no period. I decided to schedule a pre-pregnancy exam to see if something was wrong. I saw my doctor in early September. She did an exam and said that everything looked normal. Because of my periods, she decided to put me on Provera and wait until day 3 of my cycle to run some hormone tests. Ten days of Provera, five days on waiting for my period, and then three days into my period I went back. The bloodwork was drawn.

I met with the doctor again to discuss the results. She said that my hormone levels are right around where they should be. There is no physical reason why I shouldn't be able to conceive, but given that my periods are once every four or five months on average when I'm not on birth control, it would probably take a long time unless I get some medicinal help. She told me to wait two weeks with no intercourse, take a pregnancy test, and if it came back negative, to start Provera for ten days again and then we would try 50mg Clomid on cycle days 3-7 and see if it induced ovulation.

I followed her instructions. I was really hoping that since nothing was physically wrong with me keeping me from ovulating, that maybe the slightest nudge would make it happen. I went back on cycle day 23 for more hormone testing. The tests came back on the borderline. They couldn't tell if I had ovulated or not. I spent several days playing phone tag with my doc to find out what the next step is. We finally talked last week.

She prescribed another 10 day supply of Provera and 100mg Clomid on days 3-7. I started this round of Provera on Saturday, so I'm on day 4 of Provera waiting for my next chance to try to conceive. That should bring everyone up to speed on what's going on with the whole process.

The whole thing is so frustrating. I thought I would be pregnant by now. Here it is, going on a year since I went off of birth control and I feel like I still have such a long way to go. We haven't even figured out how to get my body to ovulate yet. I want a baby so badly. I just keep hoping that each thing we try will work. I know I've only been on medicine for one cycle and I need to patient, but it can be so difficult getting myself in that mindset. Anyway, I hope that anyone that can relate will read this journal and let me know about your experiences. I'm sure it would help hearing from others that have been through the same thing.

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November 26th, 2006

07:39 am: Provera misery
I hate Provera. For me, it is ten days of misery. I spend the first couple of days so damned horny it is painful and then the rest of the time, my breasts hurt, my head is pounding, and I'm starving CONSTANTLY. Not to mention being completely emotionally spent and turning into a total crybaby. I really hate Provera.

Did I mention that I hate Provera?

But it is necessary if I EVER want to start the next cycle. Without it, my cycle averages 130-160 days. Hell, right now I'm at day 39 even WITH Provera!

It will all be worth it if I get pregnant this month. :)

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November 27th, 2006

07:11 pm: Today was my last day of Provera. Now, I'm waiting for my period. :(

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November 28th, 2006

07:39 pm: I started very light spotting around 2:30 today. I just took my last dose of Provera yesterday, so I was surprised that things are starting so quickly. My body is even abnormal on medication! I guess today is officially day 1. This is the start of Clomid cycle #2.

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November 29th, 2006

06:44 pm: I've been feeling crampy today and generally tired. I know that having a period is necessary in order to even attempt to ovulate, but it sucks, especially when you're accustomed to one period every 5-6 months and now all the sudden its coming every month. I'll feel better once I start Clomid for this cycle. I want to get the trying started for the month. The sooner we start trying, the sooner I can find out I'm pg...

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December 3rd, 2006

06:15 pm: Clomid Day 3
I had the Clomid headache yesterday. Where if I hold perfectly still I can almost forget that my head hurts, but as soon as I move my head, it begins pounding in time with my heartbeat, sending a half-dizzy, half-nauseous feeling spiraling through my entire body. Luckily, I was able to get a pain reliever in my system early enough to keep it from lasting all day. I was better by noon.

I went in to work for five hours once my head was feeling better and actually got quite a bit accomplished. I am hoping that I will continue to have a productive week.

Today I'm feeling good. Just a little tired. My husband told me this morning that he thinks it would be neat to have twins. I was happy to hear him say that, since Clomid does give me a slightly increased chance of multiples. I don't care how many babies I end up with, as long as they are born healthy.

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December 7th, 2006

07:18 pm: Well, it's coming up to my favorite time of the whole TTC process. Cycle day 10 is tomorrow. You know what that means!

My Clomid this time has made me feel pretty bitchy and I'm SO bloated. I look like I'm about 4 months pg! But no weight gain and no pain, so my doc says there is nothing to worry about. I hope I ovulate this time. If this doesn't work, I don't know if I want to go to a higher dosage of Clomid. This dose was about as much as I think I can take and stay level-headed. I was fine while taking it, but the three days since my final day I have been in such a HORRIBLE mood. I get pissed off at the tiniest little things. I hate being that way. I know my dh doesn't appreciate it.

I say that, but I know that if the 100mg didn't work, I'd go right along with trying 150 if my doctor thought it would help. But hopefully that won't be an issue... I won't know for sure until my CD21 bloodwork results are back on the 20th or 21st. But I am charting, so hopefully I will have a good idea before then. Last month, I didn't need the hormone tests to tell me I didn't ovulate. It was painfully obvious from my BBTs.

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December 10th, 2006

05:50 pm: Feeling low
I've been feeling pretty down today. Tonight my husband is going to a concert with friends. He asked me if I wanted to go four months ago and I told him no because I didn't want to be in the smoky environment since I would probably be pg by December. Here it is, the day of the concert, and I'm not pg. I don't even feel like I'm anywhere close to getting there. It is depressing.

I honestly thought I would be pg by now. I thought I would be announcing it to my family at Christmas. When I went off bc in January, I never thought a year would go by without getting pg. And here it has been nearly a year.

I don't know what brought me to this point where I want a baby so badly that I am upset about my struggles at getting pg. I guess since my dh and I have been together for nearly 8 years now and I've been ready to have a baby for about the last three, it makes it seem like it's been longer that we've been trying. It just hurts when you've come to a point where you are ready in every way and it took so long to get to that point and then you think your efforts will pay off right away and they don't... Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

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December 12th, 2006

07:43 pm: Ovulation?
I think I may be getting ready to ovulate. My temp was at 97.23 yesterday morning and rose to 97.49 today with EWCM all day long. We didn't BD until this evening after the last time being Sunday AM, so I hope that we didn't miss the window of opportunity. I'm going to be so excited if I just ovulate! That would be at least a step in the right direction! :D

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December 13th, 2006

10:10 pm: Or not...
OK, so maybe I got my hopes up for nothing. The day before yesterday, my temp plummeted and then yesterday I had EWCM all day long, so I honestly thought, "This is it! I'm ovulating!" I fully expected to wake up this morning with a high temp. Then, my BBT this morning was barely higher than it was yesterday and my EWCM has dried up and turned creamy. So much for that, I guess...

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December 27th, 2006

09:44 pm: Good news
My doctor's RN called today to let me know that my CD21 bloodwork shows that I did ovulate this cycle on 100mg Clomid. I am very happy to hear this, although, once again, my charting made it to where it really wasn't surprising news to me. I am a bit disappointed that I got a BFN on my pg test that I took on Christmas Day. I had been having so many symptoms for the past two weeks that I was convinced I was pg. This is the first time a BFN has made me cry. I was so let down. I guess I shouldn't have let myself get so hopeful, but I just thought it would be such a great Christmas present for my hubby and I. At least I know that the 100mg Clomid works, so now I can focus on timing and know that it isn't all wasted effort. My husband really thought I was pg too, so I can tell that he is disappointed, but we're far from giving up.

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December 28th, 2006

12:22 pm: Drops of blood
I have a few drops of pinkish blood when I go to the restroom. It hasn't made itself clear yet as to whether it is a period or something else. I guess if I were just now implanting, that would explain why the HPT was a BFN on Christmas. It's probably my period though. I have to quit getting my hopes all up.

07:45 pm: Definitely a period
I've definitely started my period. Cycle day 1. Yet again.