12-1-2009 - Trying for Darwin - Jan/Feb 2007

My mood while writing this blog: same

January 1st, 2007

11:12 am: Clomid Cycle #3 - CD 5
So here I am again, on another round of Clomid. At least this time I know I will ovulate, so that's a comfort. The DH and I just need to stick to the schedule and we should be good. At least then, I will feel like I did everything I could. Last month, we got off schedule a bit, BD'ing in the evening on my 14th cycle day when if we had just done it in the morning, my chances would have been much better... But we were tired and decided to put it off. Then, as I had EWCM all day long, I was sick with knowing that I had probably missed the window.

This New Year brings so much hope that by the next one, I will either have a baby or be about to have a baby. I don't know how reasonable the hopes are, but I am cautiously optimistic that since I'm now ovulating, my chances are pretty good.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year and that everyone in the world that is trying for a baby gets what they want this year! :)

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January 9th, 2007

09:21 pm: Clomid Cycle #3 - CD 13
I think I ovulated today. We did the BD in the AM on CD 10 and 12. I hope we timed it a little better this time. I'm not sure.

Last time we did it in the AM of CD 10 and the PM of CD 12 and 14 and I ovulated on CD 14, so the last try was too late and the first and second likely too early. This time, it seems a little better, although not as good as it would have been most likely if we had done it this morning.

It's difficult to time everything perfectly when I can never be sure exactly when I will ovulate. This cycle's ovulation was a day earlier than last time. And I'm not 100% sure I've ovulated, but my chart seems to have a pattern when compared to last month, which is the first time I've had any kind of pattern whatsoever, so I'm pretty convinced I did ovulate. I guess I should check my CM to confirm. Ugh.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'm totally preoccupied with BD'ing, but not in a good way. Instead of thinking about it in any kind of sensual way, I'm thinking about it in terms of time and frequency and whether or not both are good enough to get me PG.

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January 17th, 2007

06:19 pm: CD 21
So I ovulated again this cycle. I'm not stressing the TWW this time, though. I've decided to just relax and not let myself think about it every minute of every day like I did last cycle. I don't plan on testing, either, unless I go over 14 DPO with elevated temps and no period.

I usually break down and test at 10-12 DPO even thought my luteal phase is only 14 days, so if I would just wait a couple of days I would have a good idea if I was PG or not.

I temp every morning still, but I try not to over-analyze my BBTs. I've learned in the past and it has become even clearer in the past couple of weeks that it is impossible to get any definite info from temps and I can't put a whole lot of stock in what my BBT does. I can tell if I ovulated or not and that's the main purpose. I hope one day I will be 16 DPO with high temps and then the temping will serve it's other and more exciting purpose...

Anyway, that's what's up with my TTC journey right now. Hope everyone else out there is having success... :)

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January 20th, 2007

04:04 pm: CD 24
If I'm going to get a period this cycle, it's only five more days away. In five days I will know if this month was a success or another failure... I am trying not to count, but it is so hard not to!

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January 24th, 2007

06:50 am: CD 28
So I said I wasn't going to stress this time, but it is SO DIFFICULT not to! I am counting down the days until I can accurately test. Friday is my test day. Every morning when I temp, I'm trying to relax as much as possible, but my heart is racing to see if it has dropped or stayed elevated. I keep telling myself to relax. Relax. Just relax.

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January 26th, 2007

10:25 pm: CD 30
BFN. That's all.

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January 27th, 2007

08:17 pm: CD 31
My temp dropped to 97.99 this morning. AF should be coming anytime now...

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January 30th, 2007

07:40 am: Clomid Cycle #4 - CD 3
I haven't taken my Clomid yet today as I'm trying to get my membership on my husband's insurance straightened out, but I will take it before the day is over.

I got new news when I talked to my nurse practitioner yesterday. She said this will be my last cycle on just Clomid. If I don't get pregnant this month, they are referring me to a fertility specialist and my DH will have to get an SA done. He isn't thrilled, but willing to do what he has to. I don't know what the next option will be, but I'm glad that my doctor is taking an aggressive approach. I really don't want to still be trying a year from now and if we waited until I was on Clomid for six or more months before even examining my DH, we could potentially find out that all this trying was for nothing. I just hope that it won't come to this, but I don't feel terribly optimistic that I will end up PG this month...

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February 2nd, 2007

10:24 pm: CD 6
Three weeks ago I learned that one of my coworkers, the closest in age to me, is pregnant. She and her husband are happy, but hadn't been actively trying to conceive.

Today I learned that another coworker that has been trying to conceive for only five months is now pregnant.

For the first announcement, I congratulated her and was excited for her, but a little part of me that I was able to bury was jealous. Today, I couldn't muster up the slightest bit of happiness or excitement for my coworker. I mean, I don't wish any harm on her and I know that neither of them have anything to do with my struggles with fertility, but I can't help feeling a little ripped off.

I've been trying for over a year now. Over a year. My husband and I are about to celebrate our 8th anniversary and we still aren't parents. Not only that, but there is such a long way to go yet. Each month stretches on for eternity. When will it be our turn?

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February 4th, 2007

10:47 am: CD 8
I took my Clomid in the evenings this cycle instead of in the morning. Only because I had to wait until the evening on CD3 to get my prescription filled, since I had to wait on my DH's insurance to activate me. It only cost $10, not the usual $55, so that was a plus. I am encouraged that I now have insurance that covers fertility treatments. So if it comes down to IVF, it will be covered and the debt accumulated will be minimal.

I hope that because I took my Clomid in the evening that it won't delay ovulation by a day or so. Or maybe that would be a good thing, since I obviously haven't been timing BDing very well anyway.

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February 12th, 2007

06:08 pm: CD 16
I don't know if I've ovulated yet, although it is possible that it happened today. My DH and I are trying a new BD schedule this time (well, he's trying it because I'm dictating when...) Instead of doing every other day from CD 10 or 11 to CD 18 or 19, we're doing it every day from CD 14-17, since I have ovulated on day 15 or 16 for the past two cycles. I'm hoping that we will increase our chances by increasing the frequency of BDing around O time. I've read that it isn't good to BD more than every other day, but as we don't know yet if my DH has any problems (therefore I assume he doesn't), I am following the advice I've read online that BDing every day doesn't reduce the production that much and therefore may actually be beneficial... We'll see.

My best friend in the whole world and her DH have decided to start trying. I took the news with mixed emotions. I am truly happy for them and hopeful that they will not have as difficult a time as my DH and I have had, but at the same time, it nearly makes me sick to think of her possibly getting pg in a month or two while we're still trying... Anyway, I just need to think positively and not worry about others and their successes at TTC.

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February 13th, 2007

08:52 pm: CD17
So I'm hoping my temp will go up tomorrow morning so that it will show on fertility friend that I O'ed on day 16... All I can do is wait and see...

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February 14th, 2007

09:40 am: CD 18
OK, so this sucks. I was really hoping my temp would be up this morning, but instead, it dropped to 97.24! WTF is going on? I know I should keep BD'ing as if I didn't ovulate (especially now that my temp is down again), but I'm so TIRED of it at this point, and I know my DH isn't going to want to keep going like this... Grrr... It's so frustrating!

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February 16th, 2007

05:15 pm: CD 20
My second coworker to announce that she was pg miscarried today. I feel so bad for her. I feel guilty for ever being jealous. She's a really nice girl and didn't deserve this at all. I hope that she gets pg again really soon.

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February 17th, 2007

12:55 pm: CD 21
My ff chart still doesn't show that I have O'ed. I am hoping that a couple more days of temping will change that. This is the first cycle that I have been on Clomid where my temperature shift is not blatantly obvious. I would be worried that I haven't ovulated, except today I woke up with my breasts hurting SO BADLY that I know I must have ovulated at some point! I'm just waiting for ff to figure it out, though.

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February 21st, 2007

07:30 am: CD 25
Fertility Friend finally shows that I ovulated back on CD 15. I thought I had, but I am always hesitant to assume by temps alone until FF puts a coverline on there. Now that it shows I ovulated when I did, I feel confident that our BDing was timed as well as it possibly could have been. Now we just have to wait and see, as always!

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February 22nd, 2007

07:49 am: CD 26
I woke up this morning with anxiety. It is what woke me up. I had a faint feeling of my stomach in knots and it got more and more intense the more I woke up. Finally, it got to where I was all cramped up and fully awake. Ten minutes after getting to my feet, it was gone. I'm not sure what I was dreaming about or if it was even dream related, but it was awful.

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February 28th, 2007

01:27 pm: CD 31
Today is the day I started my period last month and my temperature was still elevated this morning. I took a ptest at 15DPO and it was negative. I'm trying not to allow myself to get hopeful because I don't want to set myself up for the disappointment I felt last month... If my temp is still elevated tomorrow morning, I will take another test.