12-1-2009 - Trying for Darwin - March/April/May 2007

My mood while writing this blog: same

March 1st, 2007

03:11 pm: CD 32, 18 DPO
I took another ptest yesterday after work and got another BFN. My temps are still elevated around the 98.3 - 98.4 range. I try not to get too hopeful and I feel disappointment every time I take another ptest and get another BFN, but at the same time, every day that goes by with my temps still up makes me think that no matter how many BFN's I get, I could possibly still be pg. I saw some charts on FF where some women tested every day and didn't get a BFP until 19 or more DPO, so it isn't totally hopeless yet. I just can't believe that I am this far past ovulation with temps up and no sign of AF getting ready to start, but I'm still getting BFN's. I thought that if I was officially late I would get a BFP, but I guess not. Every month I wait later to test and every month I still get a BFN. So my cycles are longer and longer each month I'm on Clomid. I wonder why...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

March 5th, 2007

05:02 pm: CD 36 - 22 DPO
So, here I am, still no AF, and my last BFN was on 20 DPO. My temp dropped yesterday morning significantly, but still not below the coverline and it edged down slightly more again today. I'm waiting for AF to start. I keep thinking it is just a matter of time. I sent my DH to buy more HPT's just in case my temp isn't any lower tomorrow morning. If it is the same as today or higher, I will test again. I am torn between wishing so hard that I could be PG and feeling sure I'm not and just wanting AF to start so I can move on and do whatever comes next.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

March 7th, 2007

08:15 pm: CD 2
OK, so I guess I wasn't pg! I spoke to my nurse practitioner and she set up an appointment at 7:30 Monday morning to get an HSG done. I'm a little scared, but hopeful that it won't be too awful.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

March 30th, 2007

06:18 pm: Left out again..
My best friend in the whole world told me she's pg today after ONE MONTH of trying to conceive. I was so jealous that I was finding it hard to even pretend to be happy for her. And then when I turned to my DH for consolation he said, "Don't be selfish." I'm like, WTF??? If I can't tell him how I feel, who can I tell? I guess I'm on my own.

My HSG went well and everything was normal, so no blockages and nothing else to report there.

We got his SA results on Thursday of last week. His count was over 90,000,000, so good, but his motility and morphology weren't great. I don't remember the exact numbers, but the motility was about half where they wanted it to be and the morphology was less than that.

We have an appointment with a fertility specialist to go over these results and discuss treatment options on April 11. I'm worried about what we will find out and what it will mean for us. My DH really doesn't want to do more advanced fertility treatment and he said after his SA that he would "never do that again and I mean NEVER". He's worried about the money and even though fertility treatments are covered by our insurance, he doesn't like the idea of spending any money to get pregnant when most people do it for free... He feels like it's putting a dollar value on your child's life... He feels like it wasn't meant to be if it doesn't happen naturally...

So I'm going to be encountering resistance from what should be my biggest supporter. So I'm like, "OK, maybe we'll just adopt." But he says he doesn't want a kid that isn't his and he will not adopt. Period. So great. Just F-ing great. What does that leave me with when his swimmers are all but paralyzed and I can't ovulate without meds????

This is just all too depressing. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I don't want to be with my friends (ESPECIALLY now that she's PG!) and I hate my coworkers asking me anytime I say I have something to tell them, "Are you pregnant?" It just sucks. I just want it all to be over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 14th, 2007

06:31 pm: Off Clomid - CD 39
My DH and I went to our appointment with our RE this past Wednesday. Overall, it was a great appointment with great news.

The RE says that because I have normal hormone levels and have healthy anatomy, I am what the FDA approved Clomid for. However, he says that there are many drawbacks to Clomid. It works toward giving you a baby while simultaneously working against it. He said taking Clomid for infertility is like taking a baby aspirin for a bad headache. Yeah, great if it works, but you're probably going to have to take some extra strength Tylenol.

He said that although my DH's motility and morphology are below normal, they are almost normal, so therefore should not be the main focus of the treatment. My annovulation is the thing to focus on. He said that we haven't gotten PG because "you haven't had a fair chance with your periods being so irregular".

So the game plan is, he is going to put me on injectable fertility drugs to get me to ovulate. Then we will do our first IUI cycle. He said my DH can produce his sample at home, so he won't have the discomfort of "producing" in the office again. I'm supposed to call on the first day of my period to schedule a time to go in and have a TVU and learn how to give myself an injection. I'm excited about this plan of action because I feel that it is aggressive. The doc says that with injectable drugs and IUI he would place my chances of getting pg between 35 - 45% per cycle, since I'm young, healthy, with normal anatomy, and normal hormone levels. He said he has every confidence that I will get pregnant, it's just a matter of how and when. :D

I'll keep updating as I find out more.

Oh, and by the way, I started lightly spotting today so hopefully my period is on its way and we'll be getting this thing started soon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 23rd, 2007

07:07 pm: CD 48
So, this is a typical cycle with no meds and I'm totally hating it, but I guess I should feel blessed that this gives my insurance company time to preapprove us. I would feel horrible if I started and weren't preapproved yet and knew I would have to wait at least another whole month to start treatment. So once I get notification that I've been preapproved (thinking positively), I will as for a Provera prescription to get things going, providing that I don't start before then. My temps have been really low for three days in a row now, but that doesn't mean anything when I'm not ovulating. I just need to patiently wait it out. I'm so filled with hope and excitement over it that it is hard to wait patiently...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

May 29th, 2007

09:01 pm: CD 85
I'm still waiting for the insurance company and my doctor's office to get their asses in gear and preapprove my treatments. I got the certificate of coverage back from my HSG and I still owe (gulp) over $400. I'm hoping the IUI won't set me back that much every month or we'll only be able to afford one or two tries. Anyway, I'm getting frustrated and a bit discouraged. I keep waiting and waiting for the next step to come, but it is taking so long. It has been nearly two months since my initial appointment with the fertility specialist and I am still waiting to even start this process. If I have to go through this every time, I don't know if it is going to be worth it. Anyway, I've stopped temping. I've stopped taking my prenatal vitamins. I've stopped abstaining from alcohol and fatty foods. I figure, I may as well have a good time while there is no hope and save all the good behavior for when there is some hope to be had...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

May 31st, 2007

09:13 pm: CD 87
I spotted very briefly Tuesday evening. This is the second time this cycle when I've had a random bout of sparse spotting. It is very unusual for me to have that. Usually, if I do, it's very brown thick blood, not the red, slippery blood I've been getting. Anyway, I know it's almost too much to hope for, but it is right around when implantation time would be had I ovulated around the last time my DH and I BD'ed. I don't dare even allow myself any hope. I know I'm not PG. I couldn't be that lucky.