12-1-2009 - Trying for Darwin - June/July 2007

My mood while writing this blog: same

June 7th, 2007

08:05 pm: CD 94
This is the never-ending cycle. And I am kind of glad because I was dreading starting before I got approval from my insurance for the IUI. I still haven't gotten the approval, so I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping it won't be too much longer. I called the insurance company a couple of days ago and got transferred several times before they finally transferred me to a nurse that wasn't my nurse, but a nurse, and she was going to leave a message for my nurse, but I still haven't heard back. I'm going to call tomorrow.

I have other plans for tomorrow too. I am going to take an HPT tomorrow morning. I had EWCM when my DH and I BD'ed back on the 20th of May. Then I had very brief red spotting on the 29th. If I had ovulated around the 20th, I would be roughly around cycle day 30 if I had normal cycles. Which means that I should get an accurate test tomorrow. I'm not excited. I don't expect to be PG. I'm just testing more to make sure I'm not so my after work beers won't result in a baby with FAS.

I really want my insurance to get this IUI approved so I can get on with the process. I'm really becoming detached emotionally from the whole TTC process. It is difficult to keep myself emotionally involved when it is so drawn out and painful.

My best friend is now in her second trimester. She's doing great, feeling good, and looking wonderful. What they say about pregnant women glowing is true. I just wish I could be happier for her. I'm excited, don't get me wrong, but I'm also sickeningly jealous. They want a boy and I keep telling her I think it's a girl, not because I really think so but because part of me wants it to be a girl. I mean, they got pregnant so fast, it doesn't seem fair as it is let alone if they have the gender they want and everything. I know it's petty. I don't know how to squelch these feelings of envy and inadequacy. I wish I were PG so I could stop feeling sorry for me and be happy for her...

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June 10th, 2007

06:33 pm: CD 97
I got a BFN when I tested Friday morning. It was no surprise and therefore I am not terribly upset as I have been in the past when faced with a BFN.

I did get some good news. I called my insurance company and found out that my Letter of Predetermination has been approved. I am officially pre-approved by insurance for fertility treatment. So this means I can call my doctor tomorrow and as to be put on Provera to get my cycle started. I am within weeks of my first IUI attempt. It is exciting and nerve-racking at the same time. I just really want it to work.

My best friend found out she is further along than they originally thought. She had had a period three weeks before she found out she was PG, but I guess they're thinking that last period was her body flushing out the birth control and she was actually already PG. She thought she was 14 wks but her doctor is now thinking it's more like 17 judging from the size of her uterus. She will have her ultrasound in 4 weeks. She's already getting a belly. I want the best for her. I hope that I'll be joining her in the land of the expecting soon enough...

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June 17th, 2007

03:13 pm: CD 104 - Provera day 7
So I'm more than halfway through my 10 days of Provera to get my cycle started. Once I start we will finally be officially in our first round of IUI with gonadotropins. I am so excited I can hardly wait. We will be going on vacation to Florida on July 28 to Aug 1, so we will probably find out if our first cycle was a success right before we leave for vacation. I would give ANYTHING to be able to spend my week in Florida knowing that I'm pregnant. But all I can do is wait and see...

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June 22nd, 2007

05:02 pm: CD 109
I took my last dose of Provera Wednesday night. Now I'm just waiting for AF. Hopefully it will be here really soon so I can get first IUI cycle going!

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June 24th, 2007

08:32 pm: CD 1 - FINALLY!!!
AF is finally here and I am going to be back in the TTC world again. It has seemed like forever waiting for the insurance approval and through the 10 days of Provera and then waiting more through the nearly 4 days for AF to start... And after all that waiting, it is finally time to get my first IUI cycle going. I plan to call the clinic on Monday (tomorrow) to inform them that AF is here. From what I've read online, I can expect that they will want me in there this week (ideally on Tuesday, CD 3) to examine me and to start me on the injections. I will be taking Follistim for 6-10 days and will be closely monitored through blood tests as well as through ultrasound. Then, once my follicles are mature (18 - 22mm), I will get one injection of hCG in the evening and then go in two mornings later for the IUI procedure. I am really hoping it works on the first try. I'm hoping, but not too hopeful, as I fear that getting my hopes up too far will just end in another disappointment. Please please PLEASE, let this work!

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June 28th, 2007

04:20 pm: CD 5
I gave myself my first injection of Follistim last night. I was sweating and nervous and put the needle just millimeters from my skin and pulled back again about ten times, but I finally did it. The verdict is... It didn't hurt at all! And I'm not bruised! I just have a teeny tiny red dot. So I'm terribly impressed that it went so well. I should be a nurse or something.

My exam went well on Tuesday. I had a vaginal ultrasound done, which I thought would be really gross since AF is still here, but it wasn't bad at all. Turns out my ovaries look like "chocolate chip cookies" to quote the NP. They are very cystic, which she says is normal for someone that doesn't cycle frequently. She says the goal is to get all the tiny chocolate chips to go away and one or two great big chocolate chips to be there instead. My DH and I watched a video on giving the Follistim and HCG injections and then the NP met with us again.

The deal is, I'm supposed to take 75u of Follistim each night around the same time from Wednesday through Sunday. Monday morning I will go in for another vaginal ultrasound and bloodwork to test my estrogen levels. Hopefully, things will be looking good. They will call me in the afternoon with the results and let me know if I should increase/decrease/keep the same the Follistim dosage. I will continue taking it until my follies are the right size. Hopefully this will go well and I won't overstimulate because overstimulation means canceling the cycle. I would be super-bummed if we had to do that. We are supposed to continue to BD through this whole thing in case I spontaneously ovulate. Then, if no spontaneous ovulation occurs and I don't overstimulate and the follies get big enough (many ifs), my DH will administer an HCG injection in my buttocks/hip region. I will go in for 2 separate IUI's in the next 36 hours after the HCG injection. Then, around 7 days after the IUI, I will get an additional progesterone injection to make my body extra baby friendly. And hopefully then I will be PG! All we can do is take it one day at a time and see what happens...

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July 1st, 2007

01:39 pm: CD 8 - shooting myself...
I've been shooting myself every night between 8:30 and 9pm. OK, giving myself shots, which I like to call shooting myself. It is not painful and decidedly not horrible, but I still get nervous before I do it every day. I have only bruised myself once in 4 days, so I guess that means that so far I'm doing pretty well. I have an appointment tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork. More needles! YAY!

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July 2nd, 2007

06:12 pm: CD 9
I had my first checkup since starting the Follistim today. I had a vaginal ultrasound and bloodwork done. The ultrasound shows about 10 follicles in each ovary, with three looking like they may possibly become dominant on the left side. My estrogen levels are still low, so they are going to keep me on 75u of Follistim tonight and tomorrow and I go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork on Wednesday morning.

They are bringing me in on a holiday, so they must consider it urgent to check me again promptly. I guess because I have so many follicles? They probably want to make sure I don't overstimulate. She said they want me in on Wednesday and then they will probably want me in again on Friday. I'm hoping this means that things will progress quickly and smoothly and I will be undergoing the IUI within the next week and a half or so.

I asked her if my vacation would interfere and she said I would probably be getting the results back around then and if it is not a successful attempt, I could possibly miss my first scan to start the next cycle. So, in other words, I could be on my period. That implies to me that they expect the IUI to take place next week sometime, as the luteal phase is usually 14 days or so.

As far as how I'm feeling, I've had a dull headache off and on. That first day, I had a severe headache, but since then it's been bearable. It could also be related to the fact that I've cut caffiene completely out of my diet so as to make my body a healthy and hospitable place for a baby. I feel a bit bloated and today I've been kind of crampy in my ovaries. I look a little bloated too. I was sick to my stomach and a bit dizzy this morning, but I'm feeling better now. My breasts are showing the tiny little red veins all over them clearly. My skin is breaking out, although not too badly yet. My lower back was hurting last night. Overall, I'm not feeling too badly as of yet. I keep expecting to blow up like a balloon from hyperstimulation and my lungs to start filling with fluid... OK, I'm paranoid, but I can't help it. My ovaries feel like they're already full. I don't know how much more of the Follistim I will be taking, but I sure hope I'm nearly done.

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July 9th, 2007

04:53 pm: CD 16 - IUI #1
OK, so last night was traumatizing for me. I was increasingly nervous about getting my HCG shot, more so because of my DH's lack of medical expertise than anything else. Well, when it came time to get the shot I freaked out. I was sobbing hysterically and telling my DH that I don't want to have to do this and that it isn't fair that I have to do everything and he doesn't have to do anything. Needless to say, my reaction was a bit over the top. I cried as he gave me the totally painless injection and then cried for nearly an hour straight afterwards. I would venture to guess that hormones had a lot to do with my reaction, as once I calmed down I was instantly able to laugh at myself.

So I called my sister and told her about this experience and her response was, "It was probably that you were starting to get stressed about as to whether you are REALLY ready for this..." And I'm thinking she couldn't possibly be farther from right. Why would I be going through all this if I weren't ready to be a parent? This kind of thinking is exactly why I really didn't want my family to know I was TTC anyway, but my best friend leaked it to my sister and now everyone knows. So I have to put up with comments that are less than supportive. I know my sister didn't mean for this to be unsupportive, but it felt to me like she was saying SHE didn't think I was ready... Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Anyway, on the the important stuff...

I got the first IUI done today. It was not painful, although I had some cramping afterwards. I commented about the semen solution being pink meaning that they're girl sperm and the nurse said she's heard that before. So I'm totally unoriginal. LOL I was glad that it was a comfortable situation where even my DH felt comfortable. It didn't hurt at all. I still feel a bit crampy, but rather like when I'm on my period so nothing too drastic. I couldn't believe that unlike when I had my HSG done, I didn't even feel her insert the catheter at all. I'm telling you, my nurse is amazing.

So that was my first IUI experience. I get to do it all over again tomorrow. I really hope that it works. I don't want to have to go through the TTC thing much longer. I really don't know how people who have been at it for years and years can do it. I've only been TTC for a year and seven months and I feel like it's been eternity...

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July 10th, 2007

01:56 pm: CD 17 - IUI #2
Well, I had a little more cramping with this IUI, as it was more difficult for the nurse to get the catheter in. She said it was stuck halfway in and wouldn't go in the rest of the way, but as soon as she got done saying it she had gotten it in. She patiently waited for me to stop the unpleasant but not particularly painful cramping before she began injecting the sperm solution. Surprisingly, despite the discomfort during the procedure, I have had less discomfort afterwards than I had yesterday. I also have had no spotting whereas yesterday I did have a couple of drops of blood. I go back next Monday for bloodwork to check my progesterone level and another ultrasound to see if I did indeed ovulate. I will also likely receive a booster HCG shot to ensure that my body is prepared for pregnancy. I will be ready to test on July 26th, two days before I leave for vacation. I pray that it comes back positive...

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July 16th, 2007

08:02 am: CD 23 - HCG Side Effects
I am devoting this post to talk about the side effects of the HCG injection. The first day after I had the injection, I thought I was in the clear. I wasn't having a whole lot of side effects and I figured it would be worst right after the injection and get better after that. Well, that's not true. Now, mind you, it hasn't been horrible at all, but I have had a few side effects...

1) Tender breasts - This got worse each day until about 6 days post-injection and has been improving off and on since. This isn't just your normal PMS tender, this is, oh-my-God-it-hurts-to-move tender.

2) Dizziness - This hasn't been too intense, but definite at times. On day 5 post-injection it lasted all day and I had a difficult time being productive at work because of it.

3) Feel like AF is here - Except for the leaking sensation, ever since post-injection day 6 I've been feeling intensely like AF is here, complete with lower back pain, mild cramping, and that raw sensation in my lower abdomen.

4) Headache - I have experienced a dull headache off and on that I am pretty sure is hormone related. This is improving the further from injection day I get.

I am now 8 days post-injection and I have another checkup this morning. I will be getting bloodwork and an ultrasound again. This is to determine if the egg did in fact release as well as to check my progesterone levels to see if I'm progressing in the right direction. It is likely that I will also receive a booster HCG injection...

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July 18th, 2007

09:37 pm: CD 25
I'm feeling pretty much the same. The booster HCG shot hasn't really changed my symptoms much. It actually helped the premenstrual-like symptoms. I still get the occasional overwhelming feeling that I am having AF, but it isn't constant like it was the two days before the booster shot. My breasts are so incredibly sore, I never would have thought it was possible. Just tugging my shirt down to make sure my belly isn't hanging out HURTS!

I'm working a lot of hours right now and I'm thankful for it because it is helping the 2ww go by a little faster. Tomorrow I will be down to 7 days until test day. I alternate between incredibly hopeful and totally convinced that I'm not PG. I try not to dare allow myself to get excited. I dread the let down. And that's what I mean. It's like I assume that it didn't work so I can protect myself emotionally, like I wouldn't be a complete mess if the HPT was negative no matter how much I tell myself it will be. I can't help allowing little glimmers of hope to sneak into my overall pessimism.

All of my female coworkers in my department know about what I'm going through, so I obviously had to tell them when my test date is. They're more excited about it than me, because they don't have to worry about their levels of emotional investment. I'm glad that someone can be excited for me, but if it didn't work, I don't know how I'll be able to handle going to work and telling everyone the news.

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July 22nd, 2007

08:52 am: CD 29 - Waiting...
I'm 12 days past IUI and 6 days past the HCG booster, which means only 4 more days until test day. I'm still feeling pretty good. The only symptoms I am having now are incredibly tender breasts and I'm still having the intense AF sensations periodically. They are more intense than when AF is actually here. The booster shot lessened this symptom for a while, but it has been noticeably back since Thursday.

I dreamt last night that I started AF. There was so much blood I was horrified. I cried in my dream. I felt such a horrible loss. I really don't want that dream to be a reality. It is getting difficult to keep from getting a little excited to find out either way if I'm PG. I don't feel any more pregnant than I've felt since I've been on HCG shots. I don't really feel any less so either, so I guess all I can do is wait and not read too much into anything.

I've been keeping busy, but this is still such a LONG two weeks...

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ADDED INFO THAT I DID NOT BLOG:

I started AF on the 23rd before I was even supposed to test. I started while I was at work. I kind of was nonchalant about it and I went straight to one of my coworkers and quipped, "Well, I just started my period, so this cycle is a bust." It was supposed to come across as funny and care-free and possibly would have if I didn't burst into loud, hiccuping sobs right after I said it. My coworker led me by the arm through the office to a private conference room. I wailed the whole way there. I was humiliated but couldn't control it. When we got to the conference room she hugged me and I just laid my head on her shoulder and cried for over a half hour straight. Finally, I was able to get it together enough to talk to her about what I was feeling. Thankfully she has had a lot of female issues and is very possible infertile so she was very understanding of my very over-the-top reaction.