12-1-2009 - Trying for Darwin - Sept/Oct 2007

My mood while writing this blog: same

September 8th, 2007

09:53 am: CD 2 - Starting again
I took prometrium after two BFNs and I just started full flow yesterday. My cycle day 3 ultrasound is scheduled for Monday at 11am.

I am feeling some of the old hopefulness coming back again now that I'm going into another IUI cycle. I don't know what it is that makes not trying at all so much worse than trying and failing, but for some reason it is. I guess at least when you're trying, there's a chance, albeit a small one. But when you're not trying, there's no chance. Nothing to hope for. It becomes depressing.

I can't begin to explain what I've been through this past month. The sadness and hopelessness I've been buried under has been stifling. I've been hardly able to breathe through it. I have never experienced anything like it. I thought everything worth hoping for, everything worth working for was gone. If I couldn't get pregnant, or at least have a chance at it, I didn't want to be alive.

Now that I'm starting a new cycle with new hope, I suddenly have optimism again. I have the glimmering hope in my soul that there is a chance. I could get pregnant. I could BE pregnant by the time this cycle is done. It makes the fall so hard when I set myself up like this, but at the same time, this past month I've learned that to NOT have the set up is worse than taking the fall. So fuck it. I'm going to let myself hope for this with all my heart and see where it takes me.

10:05 am: Forgot to mention...
I forgot to mention that my coworker had her baby on August 24th. It is a beautiful baby girl. Mom and baby are both doing great.

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September 12th, 2007

01:16 pm: CD 5 - Needles, oi!
I'm back to the Follistim injections as of yesterday. I am supposed to stick to the 75iu dosage and go in on Sunday for another ultrasound to check my progress. My appointment is 8:30am Sunday morning. I know that having one follicle is considered ideal, but I really hope I have two or three this cycle to boost my odds at success a little. I really don't know if more follicles increase my chances by much, but I really just want this to work and be over with.

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September 15th, 2007

09:21 am: CD 9
Yesterday, at two different times in the day, I had a great deal of EWCM when I wiped. I have only seen that much on a few occasions in the past. Then, last night, I started cramping on my left side. This morning I am still cramping on the left side. I am wondering if I could be ovulating and I'm worried if I am because it would be premature. I've only been taking my Follistim for 4 days so far. My appointment isn't until tomorrow. I'm thinking the DH and I should probably BD to be safe. I would rather BD just in case than go to my appt tomorrow and find out I had ovulated and hadn't even tried to get pg... I'm confused. What is my body doing? The dosage on this cycle is the same as last cycle. I don't know why it would work differently.

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September 17th, 2007

05:37 pm: CD 12
I had my appointment yesterday morning for my Follistim day 5 ultrasound. Turns out there's not much going on in there. I have a bunch of little follicles on both ovaries, but nothing dominating yet. I got a call back and was told that my estrodiol level is only at 89.2, so they increased my dosage to 100iu. I will go back for another ultrasound on Wednesday morning. I hope there's progress by then...

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September 19th, 2007

07:30 am: CD 13
I'm getting ready to go to my appointment. I hope I get good news...

07:30 pm: CD 13
Correction: My estradiol on Sunday was 82.9, not 89.2.

I had my ultrasound today and another estradiol check. I have two follicles at roughly 11x9mm. My estradiol hardly moved. It's now at 85.1. They have increased my dosage to 125iu and I am supposed to have another ultrasound at 7:45 Saturday morning. I don't really understand the relationship between estrogen and follicle stimulation. I thought that follicles needed estrogen to grow, but my follicles seem to be growing fine despite my low estrogen. I joked with a coworker that maybe I injected the Follistim directly into my ovaries because my ovaries seem to have plenty, but the rest of me doesn't! I'm hoping the estrogen makes a recovery quickly. I am going to do some research regarding the relationship between estrogen and follicle stimulation...

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September 20th, 2007

06:49 pm: CD 14
I already feel a difference from my latest dosage increase. This morning I woke up to an incredible amount of EWCM. I've been having it off and on all day. This evening, I've been cramping on the left side pretty intensely (the follicles are on the right side). I'm hoping these are good signs that my estradiol is rising. I can't wait for my next appointment. I really hope I'll be ready or almost ready for IUI.

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September 22nd, 2007

11:40 pm: CD 15
I had my appointment this morning. I have three follicles on the right side that are all around 14mm. I have one on the left that's around 10mm. The nurse doesn't think the one on the left is going to do anything. They had me do 100iu of Follistim today and I'm going to do the HCG trigger tomorrow at 4:30pm. I have the IUI procedures Monday at 10:45am and Tuesday at 9:45am.

I've been pretty crampy off and on today. It isn't the usual cramping sensation. It's more like a deep bruised feeling that smarts when I sit down too hard or move too quickly. I'm feeling generally emotional and tired. I can't wait to get the IUI procedures done. I really want this to work.

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September 23rd, 2007

04:11 pm: CD 17
I am concerned that I may have ovulated before the trigger. Today, I have creamy CM, not EWCM. I'm feeling the premenstrual kind of sensation I felt last month after the trigger. I'm really REALLY worried about this. The concept that I may have missed the window makes me sick to my stomach. DH and I haven't BD'ed in several days, so there's no way I can get pg if I o'ed already...

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September 24th, 2007

07:46 am: CD 18 - Stressed out!
I am allowing myself to get really worked up thinking that I already ovulated. I'm freaking out for a couple of reasons. The first and obvious reason is that if I already ovulated, then this cycle is done and there's no way I will get pg. The second reason is that if I did already ovulate but still go through the IUI's, it is a total waste of money. I wish there were some way for them to check to see if I've ovulated or not before going through with the IUI, but I don't think there is. I kept waking up last night all stressed out. This morning when I got up I was thinking, "PLEASE let the EWCM be back so I can feel good about this again!" It isn't back. I'm hoping my nurse will find some in there when she does the procedure, but to be honest, my hopes have already been deflated. I could go so far as to say I'm feeling pretty depressed now.

04:50 pm: CD 18
The nurse didn't run any tests or do an ultrasound to check for signs of ovulation, but she said that she's confident that we are doing the IUI within the window of fertility. Even though I know there is still a chance I may have already ovulated and she is totally guessing here, I still feel better hearing those words coming from her.

She mentioned that my estradiol had gone from only 85.2 up to 660-something! She said this was a great response to the medication and she seems optimistic. I mentioned that I've had an upset stomach for the past three days. She thought the high hormone levels might be contributing to it. I just hope I'm not overstimulated, but she didn't seem particularly concerned. I trust her judgement, so I'm more confident overall that things are going as planned.

Who knows? I had three follicles. Maybe I'll have multiples! I know this isn't a good thing for the health of me or the fetuses, but it sure would be nice to have a ready-made family and know that I won't have to go through all this again to have more than one child...

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September 26th, 2007

07:01 pm: CD 20
I had my IUI's done yesterday and the day before. The first one was minimally uncomfortable, but the second one caused some cramping and discomfort. I am experiencing some symptoms now that may not be exactly what I was feeling last time, possibly because my HCG this time was Ovidrel, not standard intramuscular HCG.

My symptoms now are:

1) Cramping - Oh, the ache in my ovaries! It feels like I got bagged or something.

2) Tender breasts - The worst it has been in a really long time. Ouch!

3) Nausea - Every day since my estradiol spiked on Friday. I can't remember ever having so many occasions when I was hungry and nauseous at the same time.

4) Exhaustion - Yesterday and today I've felt totally drained, like I can't get enough rest. It is taking a lot of will power today for me to not go straight to bed.

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September 27th, 2007

05:49 pm: CD 21
I'm still feeling generally like crap. I am so fatigued and my breasts hurt so badly. The nausea has gotten better, but has been replaced by a monster appetite. I just can't get enough to eat!

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September 30th, 2007

06:09 pm: CD 24 - 5 days past IUI
I'm not having premenstrual like cramps this go round, but I also have absolutely no CM either. Ever since Thursday, my stomach has been feeling better. I haven't been as starved and I also haven't had any nausea except for one intense bout of nausea on Friday night that lasted about a half hour. Saturday morning I woke up cramping more intensely than I have ever cramped before. It wasn't just in my ovaries, but in my cervix as well. It was so uncomfortable, but after laying in bed for an hour or so, I finally felt better. Today, I'm doing well. My breasts aren't as tender even though I am still a bit fatigued. I don't know if the IUI worked or not at this point. Part of me is optimistic because I don't feel like I did last time, which was not a success. Part of me doubts because I don't FEEL pg. In fact, all of my symptoms are going away as the Ovidrel wears off. I have an appointment tomorrow morning for progesterone levels, ultrasound, and possibly HCG an booster shot.

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October 2nd, 2007

05:59 pm: CD 26
I had my exam yesterday. I was unable to get the booster HCG shot because my ovaries were too stimulated. They are double the size they were on my last IUI cycle. I was told to take it easy and not to overexert myself. I felt optimistic when I left the appointment because it seemed to me that my being so stimulated had to be a good sign. My nurse called later in the day to tell me that my progesterone was only 6.3. She said this high enough that I definitely ovulated, but not high enough to support a pregnancy. My doctor prescribed prometrium vaginal suppositories to try to boost my progesterone. The nurse said that this does not mean this cycle will not work, but almost in the same breath said that next cycle they will have me start this medication directly after IUI to support my progesterone levels. So, in other words, don't lose hope, but when it doesn't work, here's what we'll do... Yeah, so I'm feeling pretty discouraged about this cycle. I still can test on Sunday, so we'll see what happens.

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October 5th, 2007

06:29 pm: CD 29
The vaginal suppositories are not fun. They make my CM really thick and gummy. I've started to itch a little down there the past couple of days, so I'm wondering if it isn't giving me an infection. ICK!

I'm feeling fine. I've still been crampy and I've had occasional 'AF about to start' feelings, but nothing like the last IUI cycle. Mostly, I feel fat. I haven't gained any weight, but I'm packing on the inches it seems like. I really need to start eating healthier. (I type this as I wait for the pizza delivery guy to get here!)

I told my husband that I don't think I'm pregnant. I don't feel pregnant. Not that I know what pregnant feels like, but I guess I'm just saying that I feel normal for this time of my cycle. I feel like I'm waiting for AF just like always...

My best friend's baby shower is tomorrow. I'm excited. I have her presents all wrapped beautifully. For some reason, though, I am unreasonably worried about AF starting while I'm there. I just think, what would be worse than AF starting? AF starting and then having to sit through a baby shower... That's definitely worse.

Sunday is my test day if I make it that far with no AF. Fingers crossed.