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22-9-2009 - When's it gonna be my turn again?

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

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I'm bouncing back and forth between complete optimism this cycle, thinking this month will be IT, and complete dejection feeling convinced that I won't be lucky enough to get pregnant again. Can you guess which mode I'm in today???

I'm so FRUSTRATED with ttc right now! I hate my body (the piece of sh*t that doesn't work properly) and I hate that I don't have the money to get the treatment I KNOW would work (IUI). Instead I'm wasting my time with Clomid, which didn't work for me last time so why would it work this time? The one year mark of ttc is sneaking up on me and I'm still not pregnant! And it's even worse that if Clomid doesn't work this time, there's no next step. If Clomid doesn't work, I won't have any more children. It makes me sick to even think that ALL of my hopes are in something that's already failed me in the past.

I'm just SO READY to be done with ttc, but I can't bring myself to stop trying short of success even though I know it would probably be beneficial for my mental well-being to do so. But that biological clock is tick, tick, ticking away... PLEEEEEEASE let this cycle be it!

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16 Comments on When's it gonna be my turn again?


ttcbby1 - Wednesday, 23 Sep
Girl I feel ya!! I've been TTC for a little more than a year and still nothing! I hate my body for not letting me get pregnant yet.. IDK I really hope you get your BFP SOOOOOON! Good luck hun!

amy011 - Wednesday, 23 Sep
Hey Hun, I'm sorry you're feeling down. I really have everything crossed for you, stay positive and it's not over yet. Clomid may still pull through. Good luck, you deserve this so much. XX BIG HUGS XX

SunshineBaby1 - Wednesday, 23 Sep
I know know why I read this and then went back to read you birth story about D. I just did and thought the ending was quite perfect to describe what you felt then but at the same time, what you're feeling now. You KNOW how badly so many of us want this for you!!! Because we do... I do! And I'm so sorry for the heartache that keeps cycling through you... but I thought your own words were rather fitting..."To this day, when I look at him I feel complete. My life is so much better now. He is healthy and handsome and I feel so very lucky. He is worth every ounce of despair, bitterness, and emptiness I felt during my journey of trying to conceive. He is worth every bit of pain, illness, and fear that I had during my pregnancy. I feel like deciding to have Darwin is the best decision I have ever made in my life.I'm happier than I have ever been. I hope his life is full of the greatest joys possible. I have so many hopes for him, but more than anything that he will be healthy and happy throughout his life. I adore my little man. I am so blessed."

ANZEL - Tuesday, 22 Sep
Hey dont give up! u are only 28! I had Tayla at 32 and my friend just had her little boy at 37! My folks TTC for 7 years before they had my brother! So there is always hope! My mom said as soon as she stopped trying so hard, they booked a holiday overseas, and voila she was pregnant.I'm holding thumbs for you.

military~mommy - Tuesday, 22 Sep
Hmmm, have you considered home IUI? I am pretty sure you get some tubing, attach it to a syringe, VERY carefully insert the tubing into your partially opened cervix, and voila! You will still need to buy stock in OPKs, because you would have to know EXACTLy when you O, (though why in the world women don't have a viewing window into the abdomen to check on these things I don't know...) and DH would have to be willing to put his spermies into a cup (Maybe the glass would break as our bellies grew in pregnancy?) isn't it weird what we are willing to put our bodies through for babies but men seem to recoil at the idea of coming into a cup?! (we are suposed to be evolving, so maybe the window could be plexiglass?) Well, I am all done for the day. Big hugs and hope this makes you smile!

TaniamommyX3 - Tuesday, 22 Sep
I really hope this month is it for you! Keep positive and have fun when having sex!! ;)

nmck - Tuesday, 22 Sep
I SOOOOOOO hope this will be it too. I am crossing my fingers big time! I wishe there was something more I could do!

biziemom - Tuesday, 22 Sep
awe hun, i hope this is your cycle, jeff and i have been at it for forever it feels like but not that close to a year!! i hope this is your cycle, we have relaxed a bit on ttc we are doing the "we'll see" kind of thing, cuz with every BFN i get i get so depressed

cpalmer - Tuesday, 22 Sep
aww hun, im so sorry u feel this way, TTC sucks when ur body doesnt work, u cant be more right about that, but i do belive that u will have another one day, if not now then later, sooner is always better tho lol hang in there hun! xxx

Cherryb0m - Tuesday, 22 Sep
oh yah one more thing then i'll shut up LOL, when i get really down i always tell myself that if we cant have any more kids atleast we have little wild sassy girl Elizabeth. There are some couples out there who never even get 1 little bundle of joy, so i do feel lucky in that way. we really want to give elizabeth a little brother or sister to pick on (LOL) but she might just have to settle for the little boy next door :-)

Cherryb0m - Tuesday, 22 Sep
i know how you feel girl!!!! it sucks pretty bad and it's not fair. one more reason to add to my list of "if things are meant to be they will be, if not you are just shit out of luck"... finding out hubby has lazy sperm. well we have no idea if he had this problem when we were TTC the 1st time. if he did have this problem then 1. my cycles were not regular then (nor are they now) 2. is's a real miracle that i even did ovulate on my own ( around CD28 ) 3. somehow his lazy sperm found my egg 4 long days after we BD!!! (we BD 4 days before i ovulated). so my only conclusion is that Elizabeth Marie is suposed to be here, it was meant to be so it was. We dont have the $$ for IVF, we might be able to do 1 or 2 IUI if it comes to that but that is pushing it. it really blows big time and i can really say that i know how you feel. my hopes go up and down. one minute im all excited thinking this is it, then the next i figure why bother i'm not going to get PG anways.... hang in there girl!!!!!!

jrsully24 - Tuesday, 22 Sep
I know it is easy for me to say but don't give up hope. your turn will come and it will be so worth the wait. I know it sucks but we are blessed and your little man is adorable. you will be in my thoguhts and prayers and I wish you the best!!!

soon2be3 - Tuesday, 22 Sep
I want to scream for you and say every bad word in the book (but I refrain, because I lack a potty mouth...lol). BUT the urge is definately there. Throw that clock against the wall or remove it's batteries...you have several more good years left in that body to conceive. Perhaps a year or two down the road, you might even have some money to do the IUI. In the meantime, I am crossing every single body part possible, in the hopes that it will be your time, this time. You are an amazing mommy and I would love to actually be part of your pregnancy this time.

BraxtonsMommy0516 - Tuesday, 22 Sep
Kate-that gave me goosebumps. I don't know why, but it did. I want this for you so bad!!! You need to be a mommy again and I will pray and send good thoughts your way that you are pregnant. I want this so bad for you because you deserve it.

monkeymamma - Tuesday, 22 Sep
I hope this is the time for you!!

Amanda-is-Rebekahs-mommy - Tuesday, 22 Sep
I really hope this month is it for you!!!! I'm sorry you're so frustrated!! If I win the lottery I'll send you a big fat check for your IUI for as many babies as you want!! Maybe Darwin's pregnancy kick started your body enough that the clomid will end up working for you this time? I hope you get your BFP soon!!!