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16-7-2009 - On the verge of splitting up

My mood while writing this blog: tearful

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Hello to all of the sexy mamas and healthy babies!

I just want to share something quick to you ladies, it's not a good news, it's rather a sad news to be exact. Sorry I might have to take a long time to explain my story.

My husband and I are on the verge of splitting up. Ever since Victor was born, we have had many arguments and fights, he said that he didn't want to have kids, he was just pleasing me. I can't believe he can say such thing because Victor is an exact replica of him, there's no denying about it, I can't believe he doesn't love his own son!

Whenever he holds Victor (like every now and then, not everyday), he hardly look at Victor or talk or communicate with him. It breaks my heart. Yes, he will take Victor to the doctor and stuff, and go buy formula when the supply is running low, other than that, he pretty leave Victor in my hands. I guess that one of the reasons why I keep posting questions to you guys what's this and that going on to a baby. I'm alone with Victor all the time!

I feel so unfortunate, at first, I thought I had married the perfect man. Well, he was very loving to me when we didn't have Victor. We were very happy for 4 years before I got pregnant, and now things are falling apart on us.

I hate it to talk bad about my husband, but he's really lazy, I mean super, duper lazy ever since Victor was born. He had no motivation for striving higher in life.
He started to go to work late on purpose. He had to be a work at 1:45 and would not leave until 1:15 or 1:20pm! He said that they are not giving raises and cutting back hours, why should he put so much effort into work? I told him that if he got fired, it will be his fault, because I don't make enough to take care of him and Victor at the same time.

For 4 years with him, we just rent houses, and move around as needed. Ever since I was pregnant, my parents told us to move in their old trailer and let us live for free. Well, I gave them money because it doesn't look right to live off on your parents.

Since the trailer was old and was abandoned for a year or so (my oldest brother's family lived there before they bought another trailer and moved out) there was a lot of grass and pretty much very dirty and old.

My husband and his nephew(who got a super rich mom that lives oversea, he moved out already) were very lazy, they wouldn't mow the grass or clean up the place! My dad warned that if they don't keep the yards clear of grass and bushes, snake will come in the house, and they laughed it off.

Well, the snake did come in the house on Sunday morning! I was terrified, it was slowly crawling at the bathroom sink, I shrieked and called my husband. He ended up killed the snake and took it outside.

After that, I was so scared, I didn't leave Victor for a minute. I called my second older brother (my parents live with this brother, not the oldest one) and asked if I can take Victor in and stay for a month or so because I'm scared another snake might come in and harm Victor. He said yes immediately.

When we just moved in the old trailer, I told my husband that why don't buy a small trailer for ourselves, so we can have our own place. My parents have a piece of land and they let my lil sis's trailer parked there, there's enough room for another one too. They told us to buy another trailer and park there, so 2 sisters can live together. That is like a living will from my parents. They said they want us sisters to be settle so they don't have to worry so much for us.

My husband said my sister and I don't get along, so we shouldn't be near each other!
I told him then let's rent an apartment, he said it's not safe. I said let's buy a house, he said we don't have enough money. Whatever I said, he would have a reason for it, damn him!

So I said if he want us to stay here and wait for another snake to come in and harm Victor, he said buying a property required a lot of waiting time. Gosh, I was beyond furious. He basically doesn't want to do anything, just want to stay at this trailer when it's not even ours!

I told him that I'm giving him 2 months to either buy a new trailer or buy a small house, whatever if don't, we will break up. I can't stay at my brother's house forever. He has his own family too. His wife just gave birth to their third child on Tuesday.

I moved in with my brother/sis-in-law and parents on Monday night, and he didn't call me to check on Victor, he didn't even come over to see Victor, while we are only 2 minutes away!

I think I have come to a point when I have to decide whether to stay or leave this guy, because he doesn't even love his own son! It's only 2 minutes away and he don't bother to come over and look at his son to see if he's growing or eating well. I dropped by the trailer and saw him playing the damn online games again, I asked how come he don't come over and see Victor, he said he will come over on the weekends. What the f is that? I said if he don't come over and see Victor, we are splitting up. So he finally came over yesterday and look at Victor while he was sleeping for 30 seconds or so, then left.

I think he doesn't love me anymore so he's purposely being lazy, not wanting to go to work and just play games all day long. He got an I-phone just to play game and have to pay monthly service on it, while he has another phone already! He keep saying I'm wasteful and spending a lot of money, while he got a freaking phone just to playing games!
He would go to work late just because he's on that damn I-phone. The internet game is not enough, he keeps himself busy with game all the time!

I'm sorry for writing so long, it's just so devastating because Victor is not even 3 months yet and already he don't have a dad.

My husband keep saying this and that is dumb, this and that doesn't know much stuff as him, but himself, he has nothing! He doesn't have a real place to live, his job is lousy and he doesn't love his own son. His mom and sisters are a lot well off than my family, but they don't help us out at all. Well, they have never help us in the first place. I told him that if he don't find us a shelter in 2 months, prepare for a divorce.

I'm just not sure how emotionally and financially I can be ready for this, for me and for Victor. But I can't live with a man like this anymore.

It's a shame that we have had many ups and downs to be together in the beginning and now, in our 5th year, things are drifting apart. I guess my parents were right, he was just using me. He was an international student and need to marry someone so he can stay in the US. Now that he's fixing to get his permanent green card and now he want to ditch me. I thought it was true love, I wasted my youth, my everything on this guy for 5 years! If I have to choose, I will choose Victor over him. I really don't want too, but it seems like things are heading that way...

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15 Comments on On the verge of splitting up


bjh - Tuesday, 21 Jul
I'm sorry you're going through all this.. it has to be so hard.. you have a new baby.. your body and hormones are getting back to normal.. that's all you should have to deal with right now.. not lazy game playing husbands and snakes!! Well.. we are all here for ya when you need to talk! Hope you're doing alright... Victor is such a lil cutie... just focus on that lil man!
(seriously.. I would have peed my pants if a snake climbed out of the sink at me!)

leelers - Friday, 17 Jul
I'm sorry you are going through this! Seems I am too, ever since we had our little girl all we do is fight. We used to be so happy together and now he is so selfish and doesn't appreciate how hard it is being home with a baby... I'm not sure what advice to give you being that I'm not sure what to do myself, just listen to your heart and do what is right for you and sweet little Victor, I wish you the strength you need to overcome this! :)

Baby Bliss - Friday, 17 Jul
Tiff- i am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I must say that the moment I had Azia things were different. It has been constant arguing and fighting and just plain ignoring each other. Sometimes I feel like there is no love left and like you that he doesnt spend time with his baby and everything you are feeling. I just realized that a baby is a huge change and we adapt to it alot easier than our husbands/boyfriends do. I do believe that he loves his son but he may not know how to accept everything. You are super mom and he doesnt know how to ease into his role. Man this is probably why i miss pregnancy so much. Things were great between me and my fiancee and I couldnt feel like I loved him any more, and now just last night he was talking about moving on and closing this chapter in his life and we are two different people that cant even talk with out saying horrible things. I infact started crying at 2 am this morning because I thought I cant give my daughter what she deserves: a loving family with her mommy and daddy. I dont know I am hoping things work out for the both of us. Just remember and keep me posted as i will with you. You are not alone and I do think there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the both of us. Sorry for the rambleing.


Phoenix39 - Friday, 17 Jul
I think you really need to sit down and talk to him about love, is there love left between the two of you. Some men just don't get attached to the baby as much as the mom of course. The majority of men have different ways of thinking, saying and acting when sometimes the responses they give are wrong, they really don't mean them to come off that way. Maybe, something else is bothering him. Anyways, take the time and do what you have to do for your baby, and don't beg him to come and see his son. I am sure he will come on his terms, he needs time to realize what is important to him I think. You will see that he possibly misses you and the baby and will wake up to his stupidness.

I don't think he has stayed with you that long for a visa to get into the USA. International students usually get a visa from the education in the USA and being here that long, if it is anything similiar to Canada. I know I had a friend ask me to marry him, I would keep joking not until he gets his citizenship. I have no intentions of marrying him. Notice I said HAD a friend, he would ask me to marry him like 5 times a year and when he found out I was pregnant he asked me to abort the baby lol I was like ok I gotta go and hung up on him. I mean I don't even have a relationship with this guy and I remember him telling his mom that my daughter's father died that is why I was a single mom, like it was an embarassment to him lol. Anyways, it doesn't matter other then they can get their citizenship on their own usually after taking a university program for a few years, then getting a working visa while they wait for the citizenship.

I hope all goes well for you either way, with or without your husband's support. I am going at this baby as a single mom and really doing quite well other then being tired. If I can do it with any older child and run with her and still keep up I am sure you can do it with the support from your family. Sure it is tough, but with a routine and no fighting around you will feel alot better. Let him play his games and lose what is the most important things in his life over his stupidity. See is someone can watch the baby long enough for you to go and have a serious talk with him, you do need answers and you do need to sit down with him to see what he wants in his future because now you and the baby are a package deal.

About the free trailer, might be cheaper to remodel it and seal up all the areas that a snake or other creatures could get into it from while you are living at your brother's.

happyinvention - Friday, 17 Jul
make sure your son is safe, no matter what is costs you. in the end you brought him into this world and it's you who has to care for him. unfortunately men do not, and will not, ever have the bond we do with our babies. my husband is great with temperance- but it's just not the same. be safe, and i hope things smooth out for you- whether you stay with him or not! being emotionally healthy and happy is more important to victor than having a dad- having two parents that are constantly upset will make HIM upset! follow your instincts, ill be thinking of you!


meisha2001 - Thursday, 16 Jul
hi honey i know a little on how you are feeling just be strong for little man and every thing we work out fine for you all. If your husband dont step up and show little man some attention he will know and your husband is going to disapoint himself in the long run my baby daddy has a baby mama and three (four) other kids and they dont know about my baby or their little brother yet but you know in the long run he will get his so just stay strong and keep your head up

sandy127962 - Thursday, 16 Jul
i am sorry Tiff. Some men are liker that. If you truly feel its over then find a man who will give you and Victor a good life..

mcmommy1 - Thursday, 16 Jul
Im sorry to hear that this is happening to you. If its meant to be it will work out. It will be his loss if he isnt around for you guys. Good Luck

Kathren - Thursday, 16 Jul
Sadly, he sounds like my ex-husband. Is he an only child? Because it seems like he is jealous that his wife is not paying enough attention to him. I hope things get better for you really soon sweetie. Stay strong and give Victor much love from all of us ladies here.

mommylove01 - Thursday, 16 Jul
Hello, when theirs will their is a way! God never gives us what we cant handle... I was 14 & pregnant with my first, everyone always said I was going to be a failure & nobody would take care of my kid & myself! Just think 14 & noone would give me a job! Now thats hard. My mom took care of me I started working when my little girl (who now is 7 1/2) was 5months. I struggled SOOOOOO MUCH! I wouldnt eat to feed my daughter etc ETC.. I went trough a lot you wouldnt believe it (im going to be short cause baby is getting fussy ..lol) But now I have an amazing husband who LOVES my daughter. everyone ate their freaking words cause of all they told me! I stay home shop all the time get what I want! I think gd is rewarding me for all I went through! Dont give up... You dont need a man like that. THeirs plenty of men out their.. I mean im not telling you to go find one but only God knows what he has planed for us! Good luck sweety I will have you & Little Vicot in my prayers!

karolina2306 - Thursday, 16 Jul
Listen, I left my husband when my son was only 7 months. I was 21 years old, and didn't even know how to write out checks to pay my bills 'cause I never had to! I was completely lost. 6 years later, I'm happy, successful (though not rich :D) and fulfilled. You can do it. Just ask your family to help you out at least in the beginning, with the baby etc. so you can work. You and the baby are going to be alright, you'll see.

happyforest - Thursday, 16 Jul
i think its so sad that he is acting this way. and also it is bad when families have to split up, but i do think it is better to grow up with no father than to have a father who is constantly hurting you and letting you down all the time. he makes you feel bad enough, dont wait around for him to make your son feel bad when he is older also. im sure it would hurt his feeling so bad to see every day how much his father doesnt care or love....

8thmaydueday - Thursday, 16 Jul
I feel so bad for you, but if he's not prepared to work to support you and victor, emotionally and financially, then he is no use to either of you. My hubby and i have argued more since our wee one arrived too, i think it is a big period of adjustment for everyone, but he needs to be able to see he's in the wrong and work on it. If you decide that it's the end for your marriage, i'm sure you'll be fine. You sound like you have a great supportive family around you, and Victor will be much loved by you and them. Good Luck x

jessicahan - Thursday, 16 Jul
I cant believe how stupid your husband is acting!! Doesnt he get it, if he would just step up to the plate and take charge of his life then he wouldnt loose everything (wife, son, place to live)! My husband and i have almost gotten a divorce since the baby has been here too.. I have herd that the first 6 months of bieng a parent is the hardest. On you and your husband. I can relate to you on your husband not wanting to hold victor, becuase myn doesnt either. He is getting better though, I will just leave the baby alone with him now so he has to pick him up and comfort him if he crys. Does your husband say that he doesnt love you anymore?
Not like my advice is something that should be taken to heart... but if I were you I would throw away (or hide) the computer that he plays his games on, and hide his phone from him. Then when he didnt leave for work on time I would push him out the door! And say go make some money!!
I do think it is important for babys to have both there parents so try not to give up to fast. You should look up male post pardum depression (there actually is such a thing) Good luck.. be strong

TinYtots - Thursday, 16 Jul
I just read your story and lost for words... What kind of human being would not love their own child and act the way he is.. I can't really tell you whats best for you becuase I'm alot younger then you and only starting in life so Have no advice. I'm so sorry to hear your Husband is the way he is when you need him most with a new Baby. Congrands for being so strong for sake of Victor.. He Is proud of his mammy and always will be. xXx I wish you the best of luck xXx