17-9-2009 - Things are getting uglier as ever

My mood while writing this blog: depress

Hello to all of my mommies friends,

As many of you ladies know about my marriage and how it's turning out. I'm so sad and depress right now. After my parents kicked my husband out of the trailer, he moved to another place to share room. Share room is when the owner has a house and he let people pay for a room. That is very common among the Vietnamese communites.

He stopped calling me but for me on the other hand, keep on calling him. I know that I shouldn't be doing that, I'm just so upset and distraught at the same time. He's calling the girl in Viet Nam again! Now he's using a different long distance services, now he's buying phone cards and used a different phone other than his cell phone to call her.

I'm so upset about the situation that after all of the things I have done to him and now he's betraying me and completely erase Victor out of his life. It had been more than 2 weeks he haven't visit Victor or even ask about him!

When Victor was a week old, I took a picture of him holding Victor, and do you ladies know what he did? He used photoshop and erase Victor out and put in some text to woo the girl in Viet Nam. He was using a fake name as Tommy, and the girl was Elena. He erased my Victor, his blood, his son out of the picture, and drew a circle and inserted this text : " I would like to invite everyone to come and visit our house, the story of Tommy + Elena"

Now he is blaming on me for causing our marriage to fall apart. As soon that he got his green card, he immediately said he wanted a divorce. He said both of us can't trust each other, and since I withdrew the money from the bank, causing the loan mortage to stop, so we can't be together any more.

It's not that I want him back, I am just so upset about the whole situation. I don't want to brag about all of the things my family and I had help him, he don't even thanks us or appreciate us. I'm the one that sponsored him to be able to stay in the US. My brother was the one that taught him the skill for his job, if don't, he might still be a waiter right now. My parents let us stay in the trailer for free and each day, my dad would bring over 10 gallons of water for us to drink/use everyday. When the AC was not working right, my brother came over and fix it. My dad also hired some people to cut down some big trees for us. All of the good things my family and I have done to him, and now he's hating us...

I feel so sorry for Victor, that poor child. I feel bad that Victor had such a bad father. Everyday as I got home from work, Victor would lighten up his eyes and smiled at me. He would raised up his body as if he wants to get up and hug me. I love my Victor so, so much. He is my star, my sun.

I blames myself for being weak and not moving on. I hate myself for keep calling my husband while he don't ever call me. He doesn't love me or Victor, why do I have to be so hard on myself? I keep telling myself what he's not worth it for me to cry over him, he haven't shed one tear for me, why am I torturing myself to think about him.

I've been praying to God to give me more strength for me to get through this crisis. I need to stay healthy so I can take care of Victor. Victor needs me more than ever. I have to make a promise to myself not to call him anymore. I need to be strong and stand up for myself.

I'm sorry, I know that most of words doesn't make sense at all, if I get too annoying, please tell me. Thank you all of you ladies for your kind words, supports, and encouragements. I really hope and can't wait for this divorce to be over with.

I hope all of your babies are healthy and wish your family lots of happiness.