Members

As a member you'll be able to receive and send messages, keep your own photobook, agenda, ask questions, participate in the chat, and make new friends. All is free and you don't need email.
Sign up (free & anonymous)

Name: Password:

---

Activity
• Now online | Member search | New members | Comment Spy
• New blogs & Questions | Recently updated profiles
• New photos: Pregnancy | Babies | Bellies | Ultrasound | Member pages
• Latest comments: Forums | Week by week | Baby development

Write a new blog

---

05-11-2008 - My BFP with my very first child

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

---

So I have been feeling particulary nostalgic about child bearing lately. We only planned on two children and two we have. But I think I might want more. Anyway, I decided to indulge and reminisce about each of my pregnancies.

The first one was back in March of 2000. Seems like forever ago and I hate that. We weren't trying or even ready for a baby. That was years away. I was 24 and my husband was 32- plenty of time. We never had enough money so I would stretch my birth control by not starting a new pack until a week after my AF. Well, I must have lost track of time because I think I waited two weeks. I didn't get my AF when I expected but was really just confused about why. I told my mom about it and she asked me some questions and told me she thought I was pregnant. I was at work and couldn't do anything about it. I was going to go visit her at her house the next day and she wanted me to take a test while there. Well, of course I couldn't wait that long. So the next day my best friend came over and I took the test. I still remember jumping around saying "I got two lines! I got two lines!" It was so exciting. There's nothing like your first BFP! Especially a surprise BFP! I went up to my mom's house later that day. I took another test at her house and had to pretend that I didn't already do one. I'm not a very good actress. We went to the book store and she bought me a comprehensive book about pregnancy and delivery. I went home with my book in a bag. Before I had a chance to tell my husband about being pregnant, he saw the book and asked who it was for "It better not be you." he said. Of course it was. We sorta fought because I wanted him to be instantly elated, but that isn't my husband. I was too young to realize that at the time. He thinks about reality and I think about rainbows and butterflies! Well, soon we had our first appt. When she did the pap smear, I started to bleed. The doctor didn't say anything about that. It continued and I miscarried. It was May 19th, the anniversary of our first date. I was devastated of course. I cried and cried and was so brokenhearted especially since we weren't trying. I didn't anticipate getting pregnant again anytime soon. So my dream come true slipped away. I saw my husband shed a tear- one of the very few times I ever have seen him cry. We named our baby Morgan T. We'll know what the T is when we get to heaven. It'll be either Morgan Thomas if it was a boy or Morgan Taryn if it was a girl. I know so little of this child that it is hard to feel like I ever had a child leave me. It's hard to think about him or her because I don't know the baby...and greater tragedy was to follow. I have a few outfits for the baby and an unfinished cross- stitch picture and the original BFP. That's all I have left. But I will always have the joy in my heart of when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child. I hold on to the hope that when I get to heaven I will meet my child and finally get to love him or her the way I should've been able to. I hate that mothers loose their children sometimes. I hate that this happened. But I am thankful for the child no matter what. Even if all we could ever have is two children, I have the joy of four pregnancies. If I could choose to do it all again knowing I would loose him or her, I would still do it and just try to enjoy it more.

---

1 Comments on My BFP with my very first child


femi - Saturday, 8 Nov
wow. i didn't know this! thanks so much for opening your heart and sharing this. i'm sorry for your losses. the way you write about it is an inspiration for moms who have also miscarried, it's a sign that things can get better and there is hope to meet your first little one someday! :o)