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03-12-2008 - My third BFP- Happy ending this time!

My mood while writing this blog: happy

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So we lost two babies in 2000, one at 8-9 wks, and one at 23 wks. Finally, in April of 2003, my husband was willing to try again. I was ready a year before, but you know, the whole it takes two thing. Our first official month of trying was July. I was so sure it would happen on the first try since we got pregnant so easily the first two times. It didn't happen and it broke my heart. Then August and September and still no BFP. Three months didn't seem like a long time, but I have been waiting since Dec. of 2000, that's nearly two and half years. After my last BFN, I lost it. I got so angry with God and I wanted to walk away from Him. Silly thing is, that even if you say He isn't real, doesnt' mean it's true. I knew that, I knew He was real no matter how much I wanted to stop believing. I really just threw a temper tantrum for not getting my way, in retrospect. I gave up praying for a baby. I used to read everyday the part in the book of Samuel in the bible where his mom asks God for a son. I stopped praying since He was going to do it in His good time and He didn't care about what I wanted at all. TTC is really emotionally hard. It was suppose to be fun and exciting, but it really is just an emotional roller coaster. So I gave up and in truth I "let go and let God". I was being a control freak thinking I could tell God what to do. After I gave up, I got pregnant that month. I remember it so vivdly. I had one test left and I was determined that that test was going to be a BFP. So I waited until I was nearly ten days late to test. I think I made it to a week or so. I went to a chiropractic appointment and found out the dr.'s wife was pregnant with their second child while their first was still a little baby- oops! So it inspired me to test. When we got home, Tom was getting the cutting done to make chicken curry and I went and tested. I wanted us to see the results together. I tried to cover up the window with toilet paper and brought it into the kitchen. Neither of us were really surprised it was a BFP. We didn't jump up and down, it was more like sweet relief. I kept that BFP next to my bedside table for months and just kept looking at it. Still have it and still look at it sometimes. Since I had two losses in a row, I was considered high risk so I had to go to a high risk specialist. They didn't know exactly why I lost Thomas Hunter, but probably an infection since it never happened again. I had more sonograms than I can count, like 16. They did one every week for the entire second trimester to watch the cervix. Really made the pregnancy go by fast. On June 29th, I had my beautiful baby Ethan who was truly the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. Finally, that hole in my heart was filled. I realized with him that having a child wasn't a right because I'm a woman, but a privledge and shame on me for expecting it like a spoiled brat. I tell him all the time that he is a gift from God to me and daddy. I love him so much- just like I always wanted to.

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2 Comments on My third BFP- Happy ending this time!


femi - Friday, 5 Dec
it happened like that for us; when we decided to stop trying so hard and just let life be, we got our bfp. :o)

ihave6kids - Thursday, 4 Dec
im glad your story has a happy ending.i have 6 kids,but i to had 2 misscarrages 1 was with twins.so i know how painful they are.there is nothen in the world like holden your baby in your arms