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27-12-2008 - My BFP surprise

My mood while writing this blog: Happy

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Don't know if I can get this all written in one shot or not, so it may be in installments.

After Ethan was born, he was very colicky and a very difficult baby. I felt guilty because I wanted him so much and then he gets here and life is miserable. I cried so much because I couldn't stop him from crying! But eventually, he got over it and life was good again. Around two or three years old, I remember thinking how perfect life was for us. Time could freeze at that point and I couldn't be happier. You know, like cartoons never age. The Simpsons are still in second and third grade for over twenty years- time could've frozen like that. That would've been great.

I knew I wanted another child, but Tom wasn't so sure. Pregnancy is still scary since we had two disappointments. Money is always an issue. And did we really want to have to split our time and money among two children instead of giving it all to one? I did, because I knew the richness that siblings add to your life. Tom has three brothers and a sister and they are all in one town- so he knew it too. It took a while for him to agree to another kid. I prayed either God change my heart or his, but it would be hard to be happy with us wanting different things- not these big things. So God changed his heart. I was happy enjoying Ethan growing up still with the promise of another child on the horizon.

I was planning on another child to be concieved in the summer of 2008 so that he or she would be born in the spring and I could take the rest of the school year and summer off. But you know what they say, you want God to laugh, tell him YOUR plan. I wasn't on BC pills because they made me feel sick. We were just trying to pay attention to my cycle- not any signs of ovulation like temps and EWCM, just what CD it was. And then had to back off of writing it down, because I became obsessive about it. So it was more or less just a guess! Well, that works unless you out of the blue ovulate a week later than usual. And that's what must've happened. My cycles weren't exactly regular, so I never really knew if I was truly late or not. Frequently, I would be later than I thought I should be and would test just to check. So when I realized in Oct. 07, that I was at least 7 days later than I should be, I thought maybe I should test. I totally expected a negative.

I know I'm getting indulgent with the story telling, but hey, it's fun and you don't get to do it that much in a whole lifetime. So, it was my sister's birthday and we are out to dinner, except my husband is stuck at work. At dinner, they again began encouraging me to have another child. I keep telling them, we can only afford one in daycare at a time so we need to wait until Ethan is ready for Kindergarten. But then, my mom offers to watch the baby for a while. So that got my wheels really turning and really worried about being late for AF. Before I left their house, I decide to test and drank a big glass of water. I stop at the store to buy a test and some decoy grocery- apple juice since Ethan was with me. I didn't want him asking questions. He's a smart little booger. I get home and Tom is home from work. I went to the bathroom and secretly took the test. It was positive. I still remember the tingly feeling in my abdomen as I realize there is a child in there. But my next thought is for my best friend who lost her pregnancy three days ago at fourteen weeks due to a placental abruption. That really was a terrible time for her and I felt horrible accidentally getting pregnant. That's another story. I didn't want to tell Tom about the test until Ethan was in bed, so I let him get him ready for bed and I planned to go to Walmart to buy some cute little way of telling him I'm PG. But, I realized he isn't that kind of guy and I would only be disappointed. Instead I drove around to figure out how we are going to pay for this baby who is a year early. I figured it out and went home. I sat him on the couch and turned off the tv. I told him I think we are going to have another baby. He asked if I was sure and I told him I got a positive. He wanted me to test again in the morning. Of course, positive.

It was a fun day- it isn't everyday you get a surprise baby. The weird thing is somehow he already knew I was pregnant. I never even suspected it or mentioned my cycle being late. I guess God prepared him ahead of time. Whatever, I was happy. I love the fact that it was a surprise from God. I wonder, why now? What is it about Michael that we needed? What is it about us that Michael needed?

I've heard the baby after a loss is called the Healing Child, that's my Ethan. But my MIL called Michael my love note from God. So that's how I see them, my Healing Child and my Love Note.

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