14-3-2012 - 71/2 weeks

My mood while writing this blog: okay

Well I made it to 7 1/2 weeks so far. Last pregnancy I lost my bb tenderness in my 7th week and that has happened again but find I do have a little tenderness that comes and goes. I am still encouraged because I feel a little more sick every day and I am guessing that to be a good thing. It must mean my hormones are increasing. I think everyday how last pregnancy I lost my symptoms one by one until the day I started spotting. I lost my baby at 10 weeks and every day I am more encouraged that maybe this pregnancy is going to be different and maybe I WILL have a baby.

So far I don't really FEEL pregnant. Feel kind of empty and yet I feel whole and complete inside. I am done with crying and grieving over my loss on a daily basis and the pain I felt when I got my bfp is receding a bit. I feel kind of numb about being pregnant still and am okay with whatever God has. Sometimes I feel guilty that I haven't really connected emotionally with my baby yet. I just can't help it right now, after a loss pregnancy seems so unreal and a real baby at the end seems so far away. I am sure if we make it to the end by the time my baby is real and the bonding starts the pregnancy will almost be over and my head will be just spinning that I have a baby already.

I have gained about 5 or 6 pounds. My last full pregnancy I gained over 60. I have started off 20 pounds above my "regular" weight already so I'm worried but trying to remember right now my job is having a healthy baby and I can lose weight in another stage in life. If I have a m/c I will have about 30 pounds to lose which is scarry.

I am still breastfeeding my 21 month old. I am worried that it may not be good for the pregnancy but am just not willing to wean if it can't guarantee a baby at the end. I don't want to let go of this relationship with my son yet. I think he's going to self wean soon because sometimes he just looks at it and laughs and won't nurse.

Me and dh don't talk about this pregnancy, we just kind of live our lives. I had my first midwife appointment, they accidentally miscalculated and gave me my first appt at 6 weeks. She wrote a requisition for an ultrasound to help my fears but I think I have decided not to go. I know if something is wrong I'm not going to have a d&c and will let my body do what it's going to. Also there are so many stories of people who were told something was wrong and everything was fine. Do I need that kind of stress? Even if I have a perfectly healthy looking ultrasound I could still lose my baby so I'm wondering what's the point? I decided to trust God with whatever is going to happen in this pregnancy. Maybe I am finally healing and finally growing.

I miss my friends in ttcal but I hope not to end up back there. The weeklies are really quiet and I guess that's good so I can be a better mom to my kids and less on this site that I've become addicted to.

Trying to enjoy every day of being pregnant even if I don't feel like I am.