22-10-2009 - 25 weeks

My mood while writing this blog: Kinda down

Well it has been a stressful ew weeks but nothing out of the ordinary. I am working really hard to get my last 7 credits or high scholl before my due date of Jan 31st and its going really well. I think I am going to make it. I am trying to stay positive about everything in my life but it just feels like, lately, life is just becoming all so real.

I am so tired this morning. I have church in an hour and then go for my glucose test at the hospital. I just hate going to hospitals in general, they all have that eerie, distant feel to them. I am not going to school after but do plan on finishing a credit when I get home.

I think the reason I am feeling so down today is probably because it is the anniversary of my sisters death. My sister was three years older than me which would have made her 22 right now and when she was 19 she was in a fatal car accident. We didn't have a lot of money growing up and when my mom was working all the time she pretty much raised me and my brother. I think about her everyday and I guess just being pregnant and emotional I am really feeling it today. Also, she also got pregnant when she was 19 but unfortunately had a m/c three days before she died. So at least she got to be with her baby soon after he decided to leave.

Everything just seems to be hitting me kind of hard and I know God has blessed me with being healthy and able but sometimes, for no reason, I find that I am feeling sorry for myself and I wish I wouldn't. I used to be a heavy drinker and smoker before I found out I was pregnant and having to quit that on a days notice and leave all my "friends" and change my lifestyle so quickly put me into a depression.

I also had only been dating the father or a few months before we found out I was pregnant and so it has been hard on him as well. I guess I put too much pressure on him though because since I couldn't relate to any of my friends anymore and was feeling very depressed I kinds of clung to him a bit more, which is really not like me at all. He left me when I was about 3/4 months for about a month and since has decided to come back but seems kind of distant sometimes. We don't live together and I mostly only get to see him on the weekends but even that I feel bad about because I don't want him to just freak and get mad one day because he is spending all his free time with me and still wants to hang out with his friends. I let him do whatever he wants but a lot of the time I really just want to open up to him but don't want him to think that I am trying to push something that intense too soon. He is the kind of person that tends to pull away from intimate relationships, especially ones that are starting to get serious. He will be 31 next week and says he has never been in a relationship (other than with me) that has lasted more than 6-12months.

I don't know what he is afraid of but I care about him very much and hope that if he wants to leave that it is not for the wrong reasons. I believe he will be a good father to his son but I could also use the extra support and he has been there. Maybe not as much as I would like, not because he is not trying or doing the best he can but just because we are so emotional in this time that we pretty much want more attention than even they can give when the two are married and living together. I suppose it was fairly selfish of me as well to expect so much from him. I mean, as much when I found out, that I was thinking that I didn't know if I want ties to this man for the rest of my life and what do I do, what if it doesn't work out, I guess its only fair that he be thinking the same of me. I guess just because he is older I figured he should be more mature but thats not fair because this is a first time for both of us. I was just super depressed about everything going on and just wanted someone to be around me and I do care very deeply about him. He is a wonderfully passionate man, very intelligent and has a good heart. I guess he just frightens easily, lol.

I guess I am just scared to be alone. It has been a big fear of mine since I was a little kid and even though I do care so much about him its not that I am scared I will wither and die if he leaves, I am just so scared to be alone in general. I guess it is something that I will just have to get over. Don't get me wrong though. I am not with him just because I want someone around, I do still care about him in that way and want it to work, I just wish I was more self reliant and if he does leave I don't want this to be an on going pattern for me.

Anyway, I am going to stop complaining now, I just really wanted to get this off my ever expanding chest, haha.

I suppose since this is a pregnancy blog though, I should probably let you all in on how the baby is doing, after all, thats what is most important right?

Well I am about 25 and a half weeks and he is kicking up a storm. Once or twice I actually let out a little yelp because he kicked me so hard. Good news is that he is not as low down as he was, they were worried I was going to have him early because I have a short cervix and he was sitting right on it. What a lazy bum, lol. They are still worried about his kidney's though and are sending me for regualr u/s. I love being able to see him all the time but am worried that they find it necessary to keep so a close watch on him. They say that although his kidneys are not going down in size they are not enlarging anymore either, so everything should be fine as long as they stay stable.

I am getting very anxious to meet him already. I am very nervous about possibly doing this without teh father and how my depression is going to be after he is born. When I feel him kick it all makes it okay though, I know that I will find the strength somewhere to keep going for him. I made it 6 months I can make it another 3 and then maybe even a lifetime:)

I already love him so much and nothing that can happen can take that away. Not the father, not my social follies and not my stupid depression.