25-10-2009 - My not so little rant

My mood while writing this blog: frustrated

I just wanted to say, before I start my little rant, that by no means do I not love my mom or not appreciate everything she does for me its just, as I'm sure you all know, when you live with someone you are not going to see eye to eye on everything.

I don't know if its the hormones or something but lately I have just been angry all the time. If anyone who is reading this has read any of my previous blogs than you know all about the troubles I am having with my "partner". Although he isn't always the most sensitive person towards me all the time, we seem to be falling into a better pattern and I feel like the only time I am myself and not insanely angry for no reason is when I am with him and his family and I have no idea why that is.

Anyway, I was a bit of a party girl before I found out I was pregnant and the minute I found out I made a huge effort and haven't had a drink or smoke since. Well my mom said that she would quit too which I really appreciated for one because it is healthy for her and a better environment for everyone that lives in our house.

A few months go by and she is still smoking in the house, and not just cigarettes either. It really bothered me, not just because the smell of pot is gross but also because I still crave cigarettes and it is hard to live with. Also, it feels like because I am still around second hand smoke sometimes that my effort to quit smoking was useless because I am around it anyways.

So two weeks ago she was going on a religious retreat and said that when she returned she wasn't going to be smoking anymore. I told her that it is her house and she has the right to smoke in it if she wishes but to tell me so, so that I can make arragements to move out. She said that even IF she were going to continue to smoke she would smoke outside. So that lasted about two days after she got back and she is smoking in the house again. She is not smoking on the main floor, she hides out in the basement, but it is more that she lied and now she expects me to believe that she will smoke outside in the winter when she won't smoke outside in October. I am sorry but I have trouble believing that.

Now, if she refuses to quit or at least take it outside, I can't stay here. It is not just that as well. The doctors have been telling that there is a minor concern in my sons kidneys and so they wanted to keep an eye on them. They made me an appointment to see a urologist at the children's hospital so the doctor can check on them closely and without even asking me my mom call and cancels the appointment! She didn't ask me or anything! She said that she thought that it was too early and I wouldn't want to get up. Shouldn't that be my choice. Now who knows when I am going to get in again. It is hard to get into see specialists. Along with that she can't seem to understand that my room is private and I don't want her in there expecially when I am not home.

Now I understand that I still am a little young but am old enough to be making my own decisions and also old enough to be out on my own. My original plan was to move out but she is having a really hard time and she really wants me to stay with her. She lost her other daughter (my sister obviously) a few years ago and her father the year before that so she gets very lonely and depressed. I want to be here for her but don't want to put my son in a bad situation. I don't want to be angry around him all the time, in pregnancy or otherwise and surely don't want him to be around smoke at all. Just now I am freaking out on the inside because I just a few hours ago I lost it and screamed really loudly at her and he is always so active and has been quiet since. I am so worried that I am just going to get so stressed out that I hurt him or even worse, lose him.

I don't know what to do. I want to be here for her and once again don't want to sound unappreciative for all the things she does for me because she doesn't even charge me rent or anything! Also though, I am starting to think that it might be worth paying rent and moving out to finally be able to control my own life and have a little space that I can call mine for once. I am scared because I do have a boyfriend but consider myself single because I don't know what is going to happen and don't want to be lost if he leaves.... so I would be out on my own for the first time, with a baby that I am scared I won't know what I am doing, although I am taking prenatal and group parenting courses right now, I have never done this before. Also I have a history of depression and hate being alone in general, just the thought scares me. I know I wouldn't be alone, I would have my son, but it just really makes me nervous but I just don't know if I can live in this situation anymore....

I just want to know what would be best for everyone. My mom, myself and my son. I want to know what will cause the least stress. I really don't want my son to suffer, none of my problems or my moms is his fault and I just want him to be as happy and healthy as he can be. I also hope I didn't hurt him from my little temper tantrum today. I am kinda hoping he is just trying to scare me to teach me a lesson and he is really fine. *sigh*

Okay my rant is finally over. If anyone read this whole thing (bless you , lol) I would love to hear any opinions. Hope everyone else is doing well and you all have happy and healthy pregnancies :)