23-11-2009 - 30 weeks

My mood while writing this blog: can\'t complain

Well, I haven't updated in a while so I thought I would now. I can't BELIEVE im 30 weeks! I thought this would never come. I feel like I am now finally on the homestretch with a little less than 10 weeks to go. This site feels like a second home to me and although I may not be as much of a blogger as some...is that the right word, blogger? I don't know, lol. I still enjoy reading what everyone is going through and feel like I celebrate with some of your joys and suffer with some of your disappointments.

I feel like I have been being very selfish lately. I am still having troubles with the father (currently my boyfriend) and it is taking up most of mental and emotional energy. I really just want to be happy and excited about my baby but I feel like he is taking away a lot of this joy because of how negative he is being about the whole thing. I feel so blessed about how healthy I am and the baby and about how well this pregnancy is going and I feel angry with him because he still acts like he doesn't want the responsibility. Just a few days ago he brought up the posibility of adoption which I quickly dismissed but that didn't change how much it hurt my feelings. I told him that I feel that I can provide for him and that I know he will be a good father as well, he just doesn't even want to try. He is worried about the money situation and so I told him if it was too stressful for him that I wouldn't bother him about money until he felt secure enough to be able to help me out, that it was more important to be there in the emotional aspect than any other.

The weird thing as well is that if I did give my son up for adoption (which I had already made clear that I wouldn't) he would be mad at me later on in the future. He gets excited about it sometimes and then other times gets so mad and throws temper tantrums. Luckily he has been smart enough not to let me be around when he has these tantrums because I don't how I would react but he has told me about how he has them as has his family. It also has me worried that I won't be able to leave him alone with his son. I don't know what to do about that. Sometimes I think life would be less stressful without him and then again I think about how much I care for him and would do almost anything for him, short of putting myself or my child in harms way of course. He is just having a hard time dealing with his bi-polar and I pray everyday for him that he finds peace and can see that this is a blessing and not a burden. Other than a minor problem with my son's kidneys he is in prefect health and my boyfriend just can't understand what a blessing that is, a miracle really. I am having such a hard time convincing him that everything is going to be ok when sometimes I would like some reassurance as well. He is only thinking about how this is going to affect his partying and that he won't be able to do whatever, whenever he wants anymore and I feel isn't being very mindful about how much effort I am putting into trying to keep this a healthy pregnancy. I know he cares about me he just has never had to be responsible in his life before and this is kind of a wake-up call for him. He is sticking around he for me and if he didn't care about me I don't think he would he is just having trouble and lots of internal turmoil about how his life is going to change and that there is going to be a little someone who looks up to and depends on him. He may still leave though and if he does I can't say it won't hurt my heart but it would be his loss I just hope whatever decision he ends up making he doesn't regret it in the end.

Okay, enough about him. I rant and rant and rant because I just don't know what to do but there are other important things going on as well. I have an appointment at the childrens hospital at the end of the month with a urologist specialist to check on my son's kidneys but at my last OB appointment she said that although his kidney's are still enlarged they haven't gotten any worse since the very beginning of my pregnancy and if it was going to be a major issue that would require surgery or anything like that then they would have gotten worse by now or there would have been an effect on my amniotic fluid, but she still wants me to attend to appointment to make sure everything is fine and and ultrasound on December 10th to check on things again. Do you ever get the feeling that the doctors aren't telling you something? Why would they already schedule two follow up u/s and an appointment with a specialist just as a precaution. If that is the real reason then I am greatful that they care so much about his well being but it almost sounds like they are down-playing whats going on not to worry me. I know they are not allowed to do that just chalk it up to me being paranoid I guess.

I only have 20 days of school left!! I will finally be done high school. I am so embarassed that it took me so long to graduate high school because I was such a trouble maker as a young teen but it is finally coming to an end and good thing before the baby is born. I am kind of worried about how bored I am going to be for the last month of my pregnancy though. My last day of school is December 18th and then Christmas comes and then New years and my baby shower so that is fairly good but my due date is the end of January and since they say the last month goes by the slowest it is hard to believe that I will be doing nothing that whole time. I would hate to be sitting at home for a whole month just waiting fo the baby to be born. I will have to think of something to keep me busy....maybe I will get lucky and he'll be born around week 38-39

Anyway I guess I am going to end it here, I said at the beginning I don't blog very much but I guess once you get me started I can't stop, lol. I hope you all are doing well in your pregnancies and hope to hear from you all soon about whats going on in your lives. Goodnight all:)