Members

As a member you'll be able to receive and send messages, keep your own photobook, agenda, ask questions, participate in the chat, and make new friends. All is free and you don't need email.
Sign up (free & anonymous)

Name: Password:

---

Activity
• Now online | Member search | New members | Comment Spy
• New blogs & Questions | Recently updated profiles
• New photos: Pregnancy | Babies | Bellies | Ultrasound | Member pages
• Latest comments: Forums | Week by week | Baby development

Angel Sex: boy Born: 05 October, 2009 Age: 2 years & 134 days Birthday in: 231 days Starsign: Libra Development: See the 28 months page. Biggest achievement so far: -

Birth details

Original due date: 7/26/2009
Type of delivery: Cesarean section
Duration of labor: No labor
Weight @ birth: 5,11
Length @ birth: 20in

`s birthstory

I don`t really know how to write this birth story without anger leaking into and prevading it. I don`t want to write that here, though, so I have to find a way to not give the real details while sharing my joy. The terror and trauma of my experience can`t be filtered out, however.


On October 5, 2009 I was scheduled for an induction. I was 37 weeks along and being told I had preeclampsia- I did not and do not believe that I had the condition as my tests went back to normal after two weeks, but it did not matter to my doctor who did not even bother to ask what my concerns were when I asked that we at least wait until 38 weeks.

My darling man and I were very doubtful and nervous but what were we to do? at 34 weeks and being diagnosed as preeclamptic I didn`t have a lot of time to find a new doctor, a lot of options or much chance of being seen by one before that point. Drs are booked with third trimesters!

We did our research but couldn`t stop waffling. In the end we decided to trust the doctor and go through with the induction, especially since if I WAS preeclamptic it would likely worsen after 37 weeks.

So, back to Monday. We arrive at the hospital in the early afternoon and it takes a while. My darling leaves to pick up his son from school and finally I am given my first doses of medicine.

Within half an hours my baby`s heart beat was gone. When they couldn`t find it on the monitors and pulled out an ultrasound I said only two words upon viewing his heart- `That`s slow.` No one looked at me, no one addressed me, nothing. I had been doing two weekly NSTs for a little while and knew what my baby`s heart should look like.

I called my fiance and told him to come. Come immediately. Just come.

I was wheeled across the hall and into a room that fillled me with dread. I kept asking people questions and no one would answer me. They kept telling me that I was going to be fine. I wept and told them just to save my baby, I didn`t care, just save my baby. I had never really believed throughout my pregnancy that I would get a child out of it. I always believed I would miscarry or end up with a still birth. I also very specifically had addressed with my doctor and hospital staff that I did NOT want a cesarean.

Now both fears were coming true and no one would even address them. I was going to have my dead baby cut out of me. I had gone to term just to have it all fall horribly apart.

Finally I looked at a man standing next to the bed I`d been placed in and asked, `Is this surgery?`

`Yes.`

I was trembling head to toe and going in and out of fits of tears. I remember looking at the ceiling after they stuck a needle in my back and thinking, `I am going to have nightmares about this for the rest of my life.` The lights above me were a horror. I kept pulling my oxygen mask on and the man who`d told me it was surgery kept putting it on again and telling me not to. I felt like I was suffocating, like I was blind and deaf because of that damn mask. I couldn`t BREATHE. I couldn`t see!

My dr arrived and looked at the monitors. I heard the man addressing questions, he said that it was my heart beat each time they would say, `is that the baby?` Finally he said that the baby`s heart rate was found at 90bmp, mine was 120.

She (my Dr) came to the bed and looked me in the eyes- all she was were eyes. All anyone was was eyes. You couldn`t see anything else around their masks, outer face shields and surgical caps. I was told my baby`s heart rate had been down for 9 minutes, they were going to do what was best for me. I begged for two more minutes- he`ll be here in two minutes. He has to see his baby being born. I can`t do this alone.

No one listened. They told me I would feel pressure and touch but no pain. There was tremendous pressure, pressure of my body being cut open and my uterus and baby being pulled out from inside it. Pressure pressure pressure. I wept and moaned.

Finally my nurse from my labor room (which I never labored in) was holding my hand and telling me I was doing great, everything was going great, it`s almost done...

I couldn`t see much and focused on her, I stroked her gloved fingers and wept intermittently. I kept asking myself why I was crying and stopping. I wasn`t really all there.

`It`s a boy.` We`d not been able to see our baby`s gender all pregnancy. We assumed it was a girl because of that.

A beautiful, perfect, angelic wail echoed through the room. My baby was alive. A few more cries.

I couldn`t see him. He was rushed out of the room. I laid there helplessly. No one told me anything. Someone told me finally that my beautiful man was there, he was scrubbing in. I waited, terrified.

He walked in, looking ridiculous. He`s very tall and masculine and was wearing surgical scrubs and one of those puffy caps- he shaves his head. It was funny now that I look back.

He took my hand, I said `It`s a boy.` We had no names for boys, we had been brainstorming for the last few weeks `just in case`. `What about Angel?` I said. He received it. There is no explaining my son`s name. He was my miracle, my first beautiful darling child. He was not supposed to survive, but he expelled his first breaths with fervor and expressed to the doctors everything I was feeling.

My fiance went to check on our son. I looked around and asked the man in the surgery finally, `What`s your name?` `Dr. Johnson.` ... `What`s your job?` `Anesthesiologist.` `Oh... .`

Someone tells me, `You`re going to feel pressure, it`s ok.` he tells them, `She doesn`t like pressure.` I must have said it a thousand times during the procedure. I felt relieved to hear someone finally acknowledge something I`d said.

Someone brought him and his father told me to look. I was fighting sleep with every fiber of my being. I was exhausted. I just wanted to let it wash over me, I was so heavy, but he was breath-taking. I marvelled at him. I wanted to take him back- this time place him warmly in my heart and never let anyone tell me what was best for my son.

Surgery was finally done. It didn`t take all that long... .

Dr. Johnson asked me, `Can you walk?` `I can`t feel my legs.` I guess it was a joke. I was too tired to realize it at the time. His tone had no humor to it and he didn`t brush it off after.

I was wheeled back to my labor room. I had a catheter, an IV and someone put pressure cuffs on my legs. I couldn`t get up to go check on my baby. He was cut out of me and left in the hands of unfeeling strangers.

His dad went to him. I told him alternatingly `Don`t leave me` and `Go stay with him.` I was a wreck. I wished i had spent the $1,100 to fly my mother out the night before. If only I had known.

I called my mother and told her she was a (first time!) grandma. There were tears in her voice as she asked, `What? ... What?` It was supposed to be a good 24 hours before he was born via the induction. `Does he have hair?` `I don`t know- I don`t think so? I don`t know. His head was covered.` I then texted her to please make the rest of the calls for me, I didn`t feel up to it.

I don`t remember exactly what happened when he was finally brought to me. I was in another room. My recovery room I spent 4 days in. Someone finally wheeled him in, placed him in my arms and I met my amazing son. He had a head full of black hair that stuck straight up all over. He was fantastic. So unbearably small. He was born at 5 lbs 11 oz but he dropped a lot more weight that `normal`. Part of that due to c-section, part of that due to the fact that he was personally premature. His little self needed more time inside me, and I was manipulated out of giving him that. My dr had tried to assure me he would be 7 lbs- I told my fiance the weekend before the induction, `This baby won`t be 7 lbs. He won`t be anywhere near that. He`ll be less than 6.`

He dropped all the way to 4 lbs 13 oz. We fight each day so far to get him to eat enough. I nurse him, pump, and feed him either my expressed milk when I have it or formula when I don`t to make sure he is eating.

We are home and he is stunning. He has a second appointment tomorrow with his pediatrician to see if he has gotten back up to 5 lbs.

After all we went through, together and apart, I couldn`t be more attached to my tiny little man. He is just amazing.

Amazing.


Notes -

The Amazing: My recovery has been beautiful. My dr even came to see me before my discharge and while looking over my incision said, `Wow, you don`t have a tummy at all.` My stomach is FLATTER NOW than it was BEFORE pregnancy- just one week after major surgery I`m smaller than I was a year ago in the waist. Who would`ve thought pregnancy and delivery could offer a woman such a thing?

There`s been very little pain. The nurses kept pushing and pushing narcotics on me but I just didn`t need them. I feel rather fantastic. Of course my mobility is limited and I feel sore, but I feel far better than I ever could have imagined.

The Things The Things No One Tells You Books Don`t Tell You: Uhm, alright- after my catheter was removed I discovered I couldn`t feel my bladder until I had just SECONDS to make it to the bathroom. I had to schedule myself for urination. Jeez!


I`d like to say congratulations and good luck to all of the other new and expecting moms. I`ve sure got my hands full with my new son, but just his sweet scent makes it all a joy... .

---