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Jordan Sex: boy Born: 30 August, 2003 Age: 5 years & 99 days Birthday in: 266 days Starsign: Virgo Development: See the 32 months page. Biggest achievement so far: He can spell his name!!

My Jordi Pordi!!

When i found out i was pregnant with Jordan it was 24th December 2002.

I had recently lost his brother Brock in May and since my partner had become controlling and abusive. About a week after the pregnancy was confirmed i had an argument with his father and to cut a long story short i left him and returned to my fathers house in Sydney (as i was only 17).

I truely believe that Jordan was sent to me at that time to give me the strenght to leave the toxic relationship that had consumed my life!! I have always considered Jordan as my special gift, my saviour and we have a very special bond with one another.

When i was about 20 weeks pregnant i moved into my own unit just me and my big bump who at the time after an ultra sound i thought was a girl!! I started buying my baby girl lots of pink stuff and had even named her Gemma Rose.

When i was about 28weeks pregnant Jordans father made contact with me and i told him i was having a girl, he was thrilled and asked if he could bring his other son Stephen up to Sydney to see me. Ofcourse i said yes i loved Stephen with all of my heart, I had raised him from when he was 2 weeks old and i missed him terribly and would have done anything to have the chance to see him. When they arrived ofcourse Jordans dad manipulated me back into being in a relationship with him again and he and Stephen never left. He was no longer violet towards me but was still very controlling.

One day Jordans father bought a car from a guy around the corner and that is how i met my bestest friend Shan. I started attending a young mums play group and finally realised just how bad my relationship with Jordans father really was so a few weeks after the birth of my SON (not daughter as first thought) i once again ended my relationship with Jordans father and continued happily with my life as a single mum!

Jordans labour was horrific to me a 17 year old girl! I was in active labour for 36 hours and Jordan became stuck after his head came out! They tried to pull him out and then they tried to push him back in and he was not going to budge so they called for more midwives who held my legs near my face while the other one stuck her hands in and popped my pelvis and yanked my baby out!! OUCH!!! He weighed a very healthy 9lb10oz!! And as soon as i saw his little face the pain all went away! He was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen and i promised him on that day that i would love and protect him forever.

The single life with him was great! I loved it just being me and him and he made lots of very special friends along the way. He has always been a very inteligent child and excells in almost everything he does! He is very creative and very intouch spiritually. He has always had special friend that no one else could see and he could describe to me perfectly what they looked like! My mother thought he was a little crazy but my father who is very spiritual told me that he thought Jordan was an indigo child (a child that is psychicly aware). I didnt really pay much attention to it until Jordans best friend D passed away early this year and Jordan would say things to me and D's mum that he should never have known. We were told later that Jordan and his D had known each other in a past life and that D was now his protector or guardian angel. That was very comforting to me and makes me happy that although D has gone to "be a star" (as Jordan says) he will always be around and Jordan will never be lonely.

I love Jordan more than any single thing in this world and he truly is and has a special gift!!

Not Jordan but anyone that knew him when he was one would know he was a little chunk like this cute kid!!LOL!!

JORDAN'S FAVOURITE THINGS:

Movie:

i hope!

Food:

Day:

Animal and thing:

Song: "I like to move it move it!"

Saying: "you smell"

Jordan says when he is older he is going to be a Police Man and a Doctor!

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Ryllie Sex: boy Born: 14 March, 2006 Age: 2 years & 267 days Birthday in: 98 days Starsign: Pisces Development: See the 32 months page. Biggest achievement so far: He can say big sentences!!

Being too Small!

As I watch you play,
I see in your eyes
The impatience of being too small.
Always wanting to be bigger,
Having what the other kids have.
Enjoy these times of being too small...
Having someone to give you a hand,
To pick you up when you fall.
Because before too long,
These days will be gone.
And all you'll have are the
Memories of being too small.

Almost from the time he was born Ryllie has be annoyed at being too small! He just wants to do what his brother does and does not understand why he cant! He wants to climb the stairs and ride a big boy bike and use a knife and fork! He hates it when i say "stop Ryllie let mummy help you" and always yells back a no in reply!

Ryllie has always been a perfect baby and has just an amazing soul! He has a magical way of telling me things just by looking into my eyes and i love him with my whole heart! His beautiful blue eyes and sweet little smile lights up the room! He is a very clever little boy and learns very quickly and i just know that when he is all grown up he will make his mummy and daddy very proud!

RYLLIE LOVES:

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Brock Sex: boy Born: 05 May, 2002 Age: 6 years & 216 days Birthday in: 149 days Starsign: Taurus Development: See the 32 months page. Biggest achievement so far: -

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born, That something stopped my heart, I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start. Although my body you can’t hold, It doesn’t mean I’m gone, This world was worthy not of me, God chose that I move on, I know the pain that drowns your soul, What you are forced to face, You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace. You’ll hear that it was “meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes” But that won’t soften your worst blow Or make your heart not ache. I’m watching over all you do, Another child you’ll bear, Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there. There will come a time, I promise you, When you will hold my hand, Stroke my face and kiss my lips and Then you’ll understand. Although I never breathed your air, Or gazed into your eyes, That doesn’t mean I never “was”… An Angel Never Dies.

My post on misscarriage forum: younghipmumma(Vip) - Wednesday, Sep 26th
Well hi there ladies! Just wanted to share my story with you all and let you know that there is hope! When i was 16 i fell pregnant to my partner of two years. All was going well at eight weeks i had an ultrasound and i saw my little babies heart beating on screen and it was then i fell in love with my little baby. As the weeks progresses i began to feel it move around inside me. It was amazing. My morning sickness was so bad i could hardly eat but was assured all was well with baby. A week before my 18 week scan it all stopped, My morning sickness and the babys little movements but i could still feel it inside me and asumed all was well. I went for my 18 week scan and the radiographer did not show me my little baby on screen and i knew something was wrong. When i returned home my doctor called and said i had to come in straight away. As i sat in my doctors office and heard those words 'Im sorry stef but the baby has died!' I just wanted to curl up and die!! The following day i was induced and after 12 hours of intense pain i delivered a beautiful little boy! He was just perfect. He had eye lashes anh hair on his head! He was 18cm long and weighed just 150g. When i saw him an amazing peace came over me and i knew he would be in my heart forever! 5 years on and i have two healthy boys and am expecting another little bundle of joy! If you loose a baby please dont loose heart, stay strong and try to feel comfort knowing that any other children you have will have a beautiful little guardian angel watching over them to keep them safe!! BROCK JACKSON WAS BORN AND DIED AN ANGEL 05/05/02 TO MY PRECIOUSE LITTLE GUY: MEMORIES MAY FADE BUT I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!

Brock Jackson

Born and Died an Angel

05/05/2002

Our joys will be greater

Our love will be deeper

Our life will be fuller

Because we shared your moment!

Baby Brock

We pray you know

how much we care,

And how we wish

that you were here.

To see us through

these lonely hours,

when every happyness

Should be ours.

If only you were

here to see,

what happiness

in our hearts there'd be.

To see your face

to feel your touch,

we pray you know

it would mean so much.

We pray you know

how much we care,

And how we wish

that you were here.

Loving you always and forever

Your Mummy!

Memories May Fade But I Will Love You Forever!!

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Stephen Sex: boy Born: 24 June, 2001 Age: 7 years & 166 days Birthday in: 199 days Starsign: Cancer Development: See the 32 months page. Biggest achievement so far: Surviving the life he has had to live so far!!

Stephen Shane Williams!

Although he is not my biological child he is MY SON!

Here is our story!

When i first met Stephen he was 2 weeks old! I took this tiny restless baby boy into my arms where he nestled his head and slowly drifted off to sleep. His father Shane (Jordans Father) commented that it was the first time he had seen Stephen look so relaxed for quite some time.

The next time i saw Stephen he was 3 weeks old at his natural mother Cindy's house. When i got to her home her front door was wide open and Stephen was in his capsule in the middle of the lounge room floor and Cindy was no where to be found! Shane went off to find Cindy and i stayed with Stephen. Whilst i was there i noticed he had no nappies, clean clothes or formula and i knew his mother was not B/feeding him. 2hrs later after calling my sister to go get nappies and formula Shane and Cindy finally returned! They were fighting and Cindy stormed into the room and grabbd Stephen off my sister and threw him at me saying " I dont want him, you take him, he is not my son!" and stormed out!

I could not believe what had just happened and after a few hours and lots of hugs and kisses to Stephen and a few loads of washing it was time for me to return to my home! While i was not with Stephen or his father i would call every day to hear how he was going and we would see each other as often as possible. I soon noticed that Stephen was not gaining any weight and took him to a doctor who said that Stephen had obviously not been fed very often for those first 6 weeks of life and that i needed to get some one to Breast feed him to reduce the risk of him dying! I did just that! I asked Shane's Aunt who had just had a baby 8 weeks earlier her self if she could express for him for a few weeks. We stayed at her house and for the next few weeks she fed him and i topped him up with formula and his weight improved.

I was there when he held his head up for the first time at 1 week and 5 days old and i was the first person he smiled at when he was 2 weeks old. It was then that i made the decision to leave school and my family and move into Shane's other Aunts house where he and Stephen were living in a rumpus room. I was appaulled when i got to my new home and saw the state of the house my little Stephen had been living in! He was sleeping in an old fashioned porta cot with no mattress, there were no toys and no where to put his clothes! The very next day i went out an got Stephen a proper cot with a real mattress and a cupboard for his clothes and a whole bunch of baby toys and things that i thought he needed. From the day i moved in with Shane i became the sole care giver to Stephen and we built a great mother son relationship, which resulted in him looking up at me a 6 1/2 months old and saying his first word "Mum". That was a very special day for me and one i will not easily forget! I taught him to roll over and sit up. I was there when he clapped for the first time at 6mths and got his first tooth at 5 1/2 months and it was me he first ever reached his arms out to!

On the 7th Feb 2002 Shane was sentenced to 2 months prison and i was left to raise Stephen totally on my own. I had also recently found out i was pregnant myself and the thought of being alone at 16 with 2 babies to care for was scary to say the least but one that i embraced whole heartedly! Stephen became very clingy and would only sleep if he was on my tummy. He built up a great relationship with my mum and cousin and we would often go out to the park and the beach together and i was very proud to show off the little boy i had adopted as my own.

We never had contact from Cindy until one day when Stephen was 6 months old, i was getting his photo taken at a stall in a shopping centre and She came up and asked if she could give him a little hug. I reluctantly said yes and handed Stephen over. Stephen became upset and held his arms out to me crying "Mummy" so Cindy handed him back to me and said "you had better take him".

I had a very difficult pregnancy and 2 weeks after Shane was released from prison i had an incomplete miscarriage and had to give birth to my premature, still born son. This was a very hard time in my life but i had made a promise to Stephen that i would always be there for him and to take care of him always i continued on with my daily motherly duties and i tell you now i know one thing for sure and that is, my little Stephen is the reason i kept going through the pain and darkness! His smiling face was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel!

We eventually moved to our own house and things with Stephen were going great! Stephen started to stand up holding on and then walking whilst holding my hand. He and i were inseparable! Soon Shane became jealous of the relationship me and his son had and eventually after weeks of emotional abuse, Shane hit me for the first time. Stephen was in the room and the look of horror on his face broke my heart. Soon the slaps turned to punches and the threats of rape and sexual humiliation became reality and every day it was Stephen that i lived for, Stephen who i felt i needed to protect and Stephen that kept me going.

Stephen became very ill in September 2002 and i rushed him to the ER where i was told he had Gastro enteritis(SP?) and to give him gastro lite and go home. The following day his condition had worsened and we returned to the hospital. I spent many nights in the hospital with Stephen while he was on a drip and medication to help make him well again. Shane would visit his son during the day for and hour or so and Cindy did not come at all, however i later found out that Shane spent those nights with Cindy and got her pregnant while i was in the hospital taking care of their son!

We eventually returned to Shane's Aunts house to live and after a short time i found out i was pregnant with my son Jordan. I took much joy in telling Stephen that he would be a big brother! Stephen was very loving to my tummy and would kiss it good night and good morning every day! The violence from Shane had completely stopped and he was very supportive until one day when i was three months pregnant, when he decided to kick me in the stomach during an argument and then he took Stephen to his dealers house and told me to be gone when he got back! I did leave Shane after all the safety of my baby was very important and i knew Shane's aunt would be there to take care of Stephen.

In March 2003 i moved into my own unit and kept close phone contact with Stephen through the Aunt he was living with. I missed him very much and i know that he cried for me every night so when Shane knocked on my door one day with Stephen in toe i could not turn them away! I had my little boy back safe in my arms and Stephen soon settled in again with my routine and again started to gain some weight he had lost while i was not with him. Stephen was very concerned about me when i went into labor and kept rubbing my back saying "it's k mummy, it's k". When he later came to the hospital to see me and meet his new brother he ran for me and gave me a massive hug and then asked me, "where tummy gone?" i pointed to his little brother and he said "oh wow, my baby!" He was a very good big brother and helped me out a lot! I was told i had to have 6 weeks bed rest due to complications. Of course out came nasty Shane who got tired of Stephen asking for mummy to do things instead so he just stopped doing anything! so 2 weeks into my 6 weeks bed rest i was up attending to the boys and the house work in absolute agony!!

After many more arguments and beatings from Shane he eventually left again but this time he left Stephen with me! We had a great time just me and my two boys! Stephen finally made more progress with his speech in which he had a massive delay and his weight was going great! After 3 months with no word from Shane he knocked on my door and demanded i give him his son back! We argued for hours and eventually i had no choice but to hand him over! I was very upset that he had taken my little guy away but all i could do was call social services and tell them my fears for his health and safety, which i did every day!

In June 2004 Shane again knocked on my door and told me that he had court in a few weeks and that he needed to stay with me until then. He also told me that he would most likely be going to Jail and that he wanted me to have Stephen while he was away. I agreed. Shane went to court and then Jail and me and my boys had our lives back! We went to playgroup and play dates and did all sorts of crafting and played together and our days then were filled with nothing but love and happiness, after the initial hell off getting Stephen settled back in! When he first got home again he was a very frightened, lost little boy who seemed incapable of having a good time without being fearful of what was on the other side. Bath time was an absolute battle! He was so afraid of water that he almost pulled me in with him when i tried to wash his hair. He did not know how to brush his teeth and hair anymore and he was no longer toilet trained. It took a really long time but i did eventually get my little boy back out of the shadows!

In early November Stephen began having bad dreams and yelling out things that are to painful to write and not appropriate for this site! I was shocked and immediately called social services to find out how i could help him and to get to the bottom of these shocking dreams!

On the 29th November the most unexpected and shocking thing came between me and my little Stephen. At 9:30pm a social worker and 2 police officers knocked on my door. They told me they were here to collect Stephen and take him to foster care!! I was astounded! These people i had called to help my little boy had become our enemy! They told me that they believed that Shane had sexually abused Stephen and because i was not his biological mother and because Stephen was part Aboriginal and i was not then he was to be placed into foster care and that i could fight it out in court! I packed Stephen a bag of his clothes and grabbed some of his favorite toys that i could see through my tears. I wiped my face, took a breath, sat Stephen on my lap and i told him that i loved him with all of my heart and that he needed to be a very big brave boy for me. I told him that he was going to stay with a very nice lady for a little while and that i was sorry i couldn't keep him safe! I told him that i didn't know his daddy was hurting him and that i was so, so sorry and that he would have a great time at the lady's house and that i would see him soon! He hugged and kissed me and he promised to be good, then he held on to the police mans hand and slowly walked down the drive way. I fell to the cold pavement outside and i cried and cried! He looked back at me and i heard him say to the officer "Is my mummy ok?" to which he replied "Yeah mate your mum will be ok" I cried myself to sleep that night and when i woke the next morning i knew from how sore and puffy my head was that it was not a dream! I spent all day on the phone to social services and solicitors and got myself a court date to get my little boy back!

I had a meeting with social services who had taken Stephen for some tests to find out if he had indeed been sexually abused by his father and they told me in that meeting that the tests had all come back positive! My little baby had been violated by the one man who was supposed to love and protect him! They also told me that they were not able to charge Shane with the abuse because Stephen was too young to testify at court and they had no DNA evidence! How Fucked is that! They can come into my home and take my little boy because he did not grow in my Womb but they cant charge the man who violated him!

I fought for months and months at court and got no where! His natural parents who both destroyed him in the first place would not agree for Stephen to be placed in my care and because of Stephens Aboriginal heritage i was unable to become his carer through social services! In the end they were unable to place Stephen in a permanent home until court proceedings were over so he was being moved from home to home, which was no good for him, so i agreed to stop fighting for my son so he could have a stable and permanent home to feel secure in. It is a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life! A decision that i did not make lightly and a decision that i hope he can forgive me for!

I have a box of his things and i still celebrate his birthday in my own secret and special way and at night when i feel he needs me i look out at the stars and tell him i am still here for him under the same stars he is and i will be his mummy for ever!

I will never forget him and one day i know he will be in my arms again!!

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Charlotte Grace Sex: girl Born: 12 March, 2008 Age: 0 years & 268 days Birthday in: 97 days Starsign: Pisces Development: See the 8 months page. Biggest achievement so far: I smiled at my mummy at three weeks!

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