March 2 2008

Well I woke up depressed yet again........my family is torn apart and there is nothing i can do about it......so i guess i have to just sit back....and pray that it wont be torn apart for to long......but knowing my brothers it aint getting back together.....So now my baby has one uncle......wat am i supposed to tell him when hes old enough to understand all this...about a father about his uncles i am at such a loss on wat i am going to tell him...hell i am at a loss on wat to tell myself........I know this hurts my mom not talking to them....but wat hurts her more is wat they are doing and they cant even become wise enough to own up to hurting her...she is thier mother she gave birth to them she does not deserve to be called a dumb bitch.....and it just plain hurts me to see her hurt....and yet some people cant understand why @ 22 i still live with my mom and dad...well lets see i dont have a job....and a place to live ......but the main reason is my mom needs @ least one kid she count on to not hurt her...i know some people will never understand this......and thats okay. it just pisses me off that i get judged. for still living at home.. my whole idea to go back to how i used to be backfired i cant be that way with a baby so now i have to find ways to let feelings out instead of having none.......I cant be cold hearted like i used to....I wish i could it made my life so much easier to show no feelings what so ever.....but its over and done with. so now i have to find different ways to cope with these damn feelings...............alll i know is that my brothers brought this on themselves so why i am i depressed by it....better yet why in the hell do i feel bad that my family is torn apart? some one some where some how explain this to me please ....cuz no matter how much i run this through my head i cant think of a reason........

well imma go lay down and read so my feet dont swell so bad
~Aggie~
February 24 2008
The following is a convo that my stupid Ex started .....He must think im stupid or something lol i was pissed at first then i started laughing lol
James Rossi (2/23/2008 9:07:00 AM): Want a cookey
ummm umm (2/23/2008 10:46:02 AM): want to F--off and leave me the helll alone?
James Rossi (2/23/2008 12:35:53 PM): Sure not a problem
ummm umm (2/23/2008 3:27:14 PM): good that means also to stop trying to get ur stupid friends or wat ever they are to trying to get info out of me for you
James Rossi (2/24/2008 1:59:20 PM): No i dont have to
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:01:05 PM): Are you there?
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:01:17 PM): yes y?
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:01:57 PM): I just got out of jail
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:02:06 PM): k
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:02:29 PM): for?
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:03:25 PM): On the 14 last week
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:03:41 PM): for wat?
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:03:52 PM): Pot
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:03:55 PM): With johnie
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:04:09 PM): On the 14 last week
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:04:19 PM): Weed
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:04:30 PM): yea i know wat pot is
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:05:13 PM): so y you contacting me?
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:05:20 PM): Can we at least be friends
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:05:29 PM): why?
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:07:16 PM): So why did your brother say i hit u
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:07:20 PM): Thats why
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:07:42 PM): I just want to get on the right track again
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:09:09 PM): there is no right track
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:09:14 PM): leave it at that
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:09:34 PM): K
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:09:46 PM): Fo sho
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:10:09 PM): so im gonna ask again Why are You contacting me? im sure you have all the info you want from other people
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:12:29 PM): What ever i just fill that i wanted to talk to u
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:12:38 PM): why
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:12:53 PM): why do you all of a sudden want to talk to me again
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:13:38 PM): Cause i miss u k
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:13:48 PM): why all of a sudden tho?
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:14:52 PM): I miss just talking to u
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:15:25 PM): All of a sudden you miss talking to me????? now why do i find that fishy
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:16:49 PM): I want to make up as friends again
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:17:07 PM): for wat reason?
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:17:27 PM): i dont like friends they cant be trusted
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:19:17 PM): I dont know i just miss u
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:19:41 PM): i thought ashley didnt want you talking to me
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:19:46 PM): K
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:21:17 PM): I dont care what she says
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:21:32 PM): I want to talk to u
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:21:55 PM): y dont you care? arent you afraid of losing the love of ur life?
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:22:26 PM): No
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:23:18 PM): umm ok
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:23:31 PM): Why would i be scared
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:23:55 PM): What
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:24:26 PM): i dunno why you would be scared ......
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:24:33 PM): it was just a question
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:24:38 PM): Did u get snow
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:24:55 PM): K
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:25:10 PM): yes
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:25:55 PM): Cool
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:26:05 PM): i guess
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:28:08 PM): I go to trucking school next week
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:28:14 PM): kool
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:28:48 PM): Im going threw the army
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:29:00 PM): I go to trucking school next week
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:29:37 PM): and how exactly is that gonna work through the army .....you kinda have to go through boot camp and the army before they will send you to a school
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:29:51 PM): Im going to irac
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:29:55 PM): Im going to irac
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:30:07 PM): have fun
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:32:11 PM): I know well im scared
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:32:33 PM): why u scared
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:33:47 PM): I dont want to die
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:34:11 PM): why do u think ur gonna die?
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:39:59 PM):
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:40:11 PM):
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:41:08 PM): I have to go
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:41:41 PM): k
ummm umm (2/24/2008 4:42:12 PM): enjoy ur life. dont contact me again.
James Rossi (2/24/2008 4:42:40 PM): K






February 22 2008
Well right now life is even more interesting...today my 20y/o brother called my mom to tell her that he is going to utah cuz of my spermdoner to go to job corp from there because he said he give my brother a car..now i am afraid for my brother ..cuz of the fact that spermdonar is abusive whether he still is or not i dont know but i really dont want to find out ya know? so now my mom is feeling even more betrayed and hurt ...and now she is talking about all of us moving to new york so she doesnt have to see either my older brother or the 20y/o i just dont know what to do anymore...the one thing i know is that my A--hole of a spermdonar will have nothing to do with my baby....or me......i have made that promise to my mom and i will not break it..for some one that was never really there and when he was abused us ....people like that in my book do not deserve second chances...well anywho im still sick feeling a little better me and my mom think we figured out why i was so bad to begin with....i can not have stuffed animals anywhere near me at night....i have been this way since i was little but we thought i outgrew it so yea .....after taking them out im a little bit better :) wich i am glad for.... and today i am 31weeks and 1day :D i want him to come out but i am scared lol .....i hope that this is normal!!! i keep having dreams that he comes out a she though lol....my mom keeps saying that wont happen ....my 8 y/o brother says it better not lol ummmm other than wats going on i have my dog acting wierder and weirder everyday....i hope he goes back to normal soon cuz he is driving me up a wall lol........well i guess i am gonna go for now
~Aggie~
February 20 2008
Well a lot has happened since the last time I wrote...first thing that happened is that my 20y/o brother told my mom he might be moving in with our older brother for job corp....which was semi okay with her...but the he came up to her and told her that our sperm donar is going to be giving him money every month for job corp well that was not okay at all and still is not....so she went off on me about all this that when i move out im gonna get in contact with him also and i kept telling her no that wont happen....so that resulted in a huge war between me and my mom .....well the same day we found out my mom might have lukemia we dont know for sure yet....but that had to top it off....I was crying for 4 days straight.and i dont normally cry....well after the war between me and my mom got settled.....then i went through more to get my little 8y/o brother to be able to go skating..i did it but it took awhile...he wasnt gonna get to go because of my spermdonar...long story made short he hates my brother and wants him dead because he isnt his......and now after all this shit im sick and haveing a hard time trying to breath......my mom this all this flaird up my bronchitis :( and i cant use anything to help me breath wonderful huh?
well im gonna go for now sorry this is so long :(
~aggie~

February 8 2008
Well lets see today i slept most of the day.off and on i am hurting so bad right now..and i hate these antibiotics..i got woken up to finding out that my ex and his g/f have my w2's and plan on having me jumped if i go get them.....so i have no idea wat im going to do because i am the type of person that if im challenged to a fight i will fight and if i am pissed off enough i wont think about it i just do it ....i have a tendency to black out....and as pissed as i am at them i dont want to end up killing them let alone hurt my baby boy GRRRRRRRR why cant frickin wait until im not prego to mess with me ..............I DONT KNOW WAT IM GOING TO DO everyday is some type of drama with them no matter how much i ignore them i still get drama........well i guess im gonna go now
later
~Aggie~
February 7 2008
Well lets see Not much has changed except these antibiotics are giving me really bad heartburn and alot of acid...my back is killing me...i still am having the period like cramps and i turned 29wks today :D I am really tired but cant sleep. and it feels like my boobs are squashing my poor kid cuz of how big they are when i sit up they kinda rest on my tummy...and he uses them as a punching bag i swear lol....my dog petey is acting weider and wierder every day lol i he'll kinda dig at my belly stop look at me sniff it and then dig some more..i think he wants this baby out lol........other than that i am pretty bored :(
Later
~Aggie~
February 5 2008----11:00am

Well its 11am and im sitting here cuz i just got the crap scared out of me :( i cant get back to sleep....when i woke up i had to lay there and try to calm myself down and still trying lately all my dreams have been about kidnapping ...the kids i like around here getting kidnapped and then my baby and my lil brother :( and i think the reason behind all these dreams is my EX and his threats not sure tho...but imma go for now

later ~AGGIE~

February 5 2008---3am

Well i did have a blog up but somehow deleted it oops ..so i guess ill start again...well 4:00pm on the 4th i had to go to my docs as a walk in because on the 3rd my pains like i pulled a muscle really low became like really bad period cramps then i started leaking.. i soaked 2 pairs of under wear and 5 of the really thick overnight pads.....and i was in horrible pain to the point i was cryin and i dont cry....so i ended up going in and telling them instead of calling just in case they sent me to the hospital...which they ended up doing......an then i ended being sent back to O.B.and they did a test to see if it was amniotic fluid they came back and said well thats not it....and i started crying cuz i felt like an idiot for going in there....then they came back in and said that i have a U.T.I. this is my first on in my life..... and they said that baby is probably laying on my bladder so basically im pissing myself without knowing man do i fell dumb.....but the whole we were in there i ended up getting yelled at for not going in sooner....and the nurse kept laughing cuz baby decided he wanted to try and kick the monitors off lol and kept moving away....lol my best friend was with me and finally got to see how baby is at night while im trying to sleep... then i called my mom to tell her everything and felt and still feel hella bad cuz shes been wanting to see him move around and kick and she didnt get to i feel bad to the point ive been crying the rest of the nigh and early this morning and its now 3:05 A.M.Maybe i should have just my mom take me in i dunno anymore what to do:( but i do know im relived cuz baby is fine :) im just at a loss on making everyone happy ya know? well imma go and try to calm myself down...

so night everyone

~AGGIE~

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Pregnancy Survey
About You
Name?:	Ashley aka Aggie
Age?:	22
Height?:	5'4"
Pre-pregnancy weight?:	175
About The Father
Name?:	dunno
Age?:	dunno
Height?:	dunno
Are you still together?:	nope
About Your Pregnancy
Is this your first pregnancy?:	yes
When did you find out you were pregnant?:	in august
Was it planned?:	no
What was your first reaction?:	scared then happy
Who was with you when you found out?:	me
Who was the first person you told?:	my mom
How did your parents react?:	mad @ first now they are excited and over protective
How far along are you?:	28wks
What was your first symptom?:	getting sick
What is your due date?:	4-24-08
Do you know the sex of the baby?:	yes
If so, what is it?:	boy
Have you picked out names?:	yep
If so, what are they?:	baby Michael
How much weight have you gained?:	41lbs
Do you have stretch marks?:	on my hips
Have you felt the baby move?:	yep :D
Have you heard the heartbeat?:	yep :D
About the birth
Will you keep the baby?:	Um DUh
Home or hospital birth?:	Hospital
Natural or medicated birth?:	Natural or @ least try
Who will be in the delivery room with you?:	my mom,susan,hope liz, and my dad maybe lol
Will you breastfeed?:	im gonna try
Do you think you'll need a c-section?:	no
Will you cry when you hold the baby for the first time?:	more than likley hes my first :D
What's the first thing you might say to him/her?:	I have no idea
Would you let someone videotape the birth?:	UMm NO
Are you excited about the birth, or scared?:	Both
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