........Glitter Graphics..

I had to delete my updates b/c it just looked like clutter to me. And I'm nesting ;)

Anyway, I'm Laura, and I am expecting Cooper Gavin Helton on April 1st 2008. I am 24 weeks pregnant as I type this, and little Coop is doing somersaults in my belly. :)

I love this site, and I love talking to everyone on here. I have a very good sense of humor, so bring it on.

My Rants for 24 Weeks....

(Disclaimer: These rants are RANTS. It's fun for me, and fun for you. You do not want to read about the yay and happy parts of my life. Take all of this worth a grain of salt, and don't come bitchin to me about how I should be grateful to be pregnant. B/c I am.)

1. How can some of you say your sex life is better? I know this is actually common, but I just don't see HOW. Finding a comfortable position to EXIST in is hard enough without trying to be all sexual and penis-y.

2. Stretchmarks have moved in. They are disgusting, but a small price to pay for creating a human being. So lemme share this with you: You CANNOT prevent stretch marks. It is genetic. Creams are only gonna go epidermis deep. Stretch marks start in the dermis (underneath the epidermis). So give up already.

3. Most of us in my week have moved beyond this, but I still see a sprinkling here and there. Gender Prediction Quizzes DO NOT WORK. Some people are desperately like "Ok, the Chinese Gender Prediction quiz on such and such website is different than the one on this website, and it was right for me!". People are desperately seeking the most accurate gender predicting quiz. Are you really gonna finish a quiz online (or especially after handing over some moola? How dumb) and go "Ahhhhhhhhhh now I finally know my baby's sex. Let's go shopping." With a 50% chance, some of these are bound to be right.

So there ya go. My little Deuce Coop (our highly original nickname for Cooper) says "Thank You for letting my mommy rant! She can only complain to Daddy so much before he rips the hairs out of every head in sight!"

Rants for 28 Weeks

*WARNING: Graphic Content!!*

I Do Not like to be pregnant. This whole past month I have vomited a lot like it's first trimester all over again. Well, I go to the Dr. Thursday and hop on the scales thinking I'm gonna impress the nurse with my stable weight due to a severe lack of appetite. Yeah, no, I gained 11 lbs in 4 weeks. That would be all fine and well (well not really) if I had been pigging it up lately. Here I was about to ask for some more Phenergan. How the heck ya gonna ask for nausea meds when you packed on an incredible amount of weight?!?

Truthfully, I think I need people standing to the side holding up my tata's while I weigh. I have ran down the alphabet to the letter "G" in my bra size. That is not a letter that boobs should ever see. The booby alphabet should be A,B,C,D, and sometimes E. That's it.

Now this next part is digusting. And if it's too disgusting for you to handle, you either have a penis or should never have a child. But here it is. 2 words. Vaginal Secretions. Like a damn clear period. It is disgusting and weird and totally unexpected to me.

Which brings me to the next sexy thing. I decided I had to shave "down there." Either that, or get a time machine back to the 1970s so I could fit in. ;) SO I did. And of course I can't see down there at all. So I'm shaving along, and look down, and all of the shower water is bloody like someone was murdered. Moral of the story, make somebody else trim the hedges if you can't see them anymore.

Alright now, who wants to do it, now that I've turned you all on?

WTF? If I hear/read one more pregnant chick say, "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl as long as it's healthy..."I'm gonna flip my freakin lid. What if it's NOT healthy? No love for baby? Stop saying that shiz. It makes you sound dumb and shallow, however well intentioned it may be.

Yay

Here are some pregancy pains that I actually DO NOT currently experience. Knock on wood...

I have no heartburn.

My baby doesn't wake me up at night.

And...um...well that's it. I've come down with all other pregnancy symptoms. Damn, I really thought I was gonna be able to list a few.

Labor

My thoughts on Labor, and I've never done it, so what do I know:

1. You ARE going to crap yourself when you push out your kid. If you don't, your doctor will immediately diagnose you with an eating disorder. (I kid, I kid). And an enema before labor isn't gonna help. Then instead of a nice little turd, you can squirt watery diarrhea on the hospital staff. Nice.

2. You seriously have a birth plan? Yeah, me too. It's called me and Cooper come out of it alive. I REALLY don't get setting yourself up for some disappointment with a list of dreamy ideas for labor. It's LABOR. It's not gonna be fun or comfortable no matter if I give birth in a hospital or at home, with a random doctor or a midwife. My dream labor involves smart people who can keep me and my baby alive with lots of medications nearby.

3. Water births are absolutely disgusting. I'm not talking about using the water bath a bit while in labor. I'm talking about a full on, "Baby Story" water birth. Where you and your husband sit in some water, you push out a kid (along with blood, secretions, and poo), and you and your hubby just sit in it and then kiss your baby. Get me a loofah and some antibacterial soap STAT.

I'll let you know in a few weeks if I change my mind on any of this. (i.e. if I was crying out for enemas and some stagnant water to plop my baby into)