Nonsense and drivel:

5/2/08

Trying again as of yesterday. I bought my man some boxers, finally...

4/26/08

AF here again. Sigh...

4/16/08

We've done the bd 8 out of 9 days so far. Based on my mood/level of irritability (for me, getting agitated easily is a really strong indicator of having ovulated), I'd say ovulation already occurred. AF due between next Wednesday and Friday and I'm totally not sweating it.

4/7/08

TTC round 4, commencing momentarily. I don't want to jinx myself, but I really, really, really, really, really hope this time works.

4/2/08

AF here. Round 4 coming up soon.

3/28/08

I'm not even putting much emphasis on testing or anything, even though AF is due Monday or Tuesday. I refuse to make myself crazier than I already am. I don't really feel symptomatic either way, so I'll just see what happens. I anticipate being in the red, to be honest. This is our 3rd month of trying since the m/c and I guess I feel more hopeful than I had been. So many people reassured us of how "extra-fertile" I'd be after the D&C and I'd also read as much--having not conceived during this allegedly hyper-fertile time has been discouraging. I've had to really check myself recently and come to terms with the fact that it will not happen when I want it to. I'm done being a brat, being so ego-centric as to think that I have control over my eggs being fertilized when I press the button on my master control panel. You know, the panel that also controls the weather...

3/17/08

The BFB (Big Fat Birthday) came and went, I had grad school ALL weekend long, and things are quieter now that I refuse to be maniacal about conceiving. Maybe I'll just be maniacal about sex. Hmmmm.

3/13/08

It's the day before my 37th birthday (ugh) and I've made a conscious decision to not be so baby crazy--it takes away from my peace of mind, being present for my son and partner, and the mountains of school work I have to get done. I'm shifting my focus to my passions: my son, my fiance, music, art, etc.

3/12/08 (part two and less gloomy)

My OB doesn't think I had a chemical pregnancy. I don't know what to think... I'm never late for AF (I was almost 3 full days late) and I really felt pregnant, the symptoms of which are totally identical to PMS--I know this. So I'm not going to see her this month. Her advice? "Just have sex." Sounds good.

In the meantime, I am not buying any hpts and I'm not going to track my ovulation. We have sex almost every day, if not every other day, so I'm not going to continue being all gestapo about this. I was, literally, driving myself insane, which is totally not conducive to ttc. I'm just gonna have lots of sex with the man I love and hope that we get the baby we want so badly.

3/12/08

I'm in a hell of a rotten mood. I'm meeting with my OB on March 27th to discuss what to do next. I feel like giving up on this whole ttc thing. How do some women hang in there for years, trying? I don't think I have the emotional stamina to do that. Today is one of those bleak, rainy days, just like my mood.

3/11/08

I definitely have my period. I just spoke to my doctor's office and they believe I had a chemical pregnancy. The part that troubles me is the faint positives I was getting. They were soooo faint over a 3 day period. Even now I question whether or not I was seeing faint positives. Which leads me to this: if it was a chemical pregnancy (my hcg levels are below 5 as of yesterday), then I should have further testing because it is my 2nd consecutive miscarriage. However, if it wasn't a chemical pregnancy, then I would wait until June, if I haven't conceived by then, to talk about further testing (because of my age--37 this Friday). I guess it doesn't really matter if I have testing done in March or June, right? I guess my hesitation is in having to have any testing at ALL. I wish this could be a normal process, that age wasn't an issue, that I could just blink and be pregnant. Yes, I'm a bit cynical right now. F*CK.

3/10/08

Moderate to heavy bleeding today, starting with a pinkish tint last night. I'm waiting for my doctor to call me back. This is either a case of me wanting to see a positive, though I don't think I was totally imagining them, or a chemical pregnancy. Either case sucks.

3/9/08

No AF, symptomatic, another faint + yesterday of a different brand test. I'll wait until Thursday to test again.

3/8/08

Make that 4 very faint positives, in addition to my 1 control study where I used water on a stick to see if a line appeared. It didn't. So, five sticks, three days, faint lines and increasingly sore and tingling breasteses, sore neck and back, cramps, frequent bathroom jaunts, mild nausea, fatigue, moodiness (but I'm moody to begin with, hormonal surges or not), etc. And, but of course, no AF. I guess I'm gonna have to buy one of those digital deals, though my friend, Vivian, says they "mock us." (The hourglass, that is.) That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

3/7/08

3 VERY faint positives and more symptoms that may or may not be pregnancy. I don't trust the faint lines--I'm wondering if I'm seeing something that is kind of there to begin with. I dunno... Ugh. I feel like a lunatic, completely consumed by this whole thing. If I am not pregnant, I have to have a serious talk with myself.

3/4/08

I tested again yesterday and, again, BFFN (you figure out the other "F"). I've got the premenstrual malaise, cramps, moodiness, and sore breast (yup, just one--the left one). I kind of miscalculated by a day, so I should be in the red on Friday.

3/2/08

BFN this morning at (I'm guessing here) 8-11 dpo, give or take a day or two. What a guessing game this all is. I should invest in an OPK, but I feel like I'll become even more consumed by ttc. I just wish it could be easy. Don't we all? AF should be here on Thursday, then back to trying. Then back to waiting. Then...

2/26/08

Sunday is the day to test... In the meantime, I like distracting myself:

2/21/08

Still trying...

2/17/08

We are now actively trying... It's probably a day or two too early, but we are "enjoying" the process.

2/15/08

I can't wait to start trying again. I got smart--I ordered pee sticks online to satisfy my cravings. Mid-stream sticks are the new, fashionable drug. Forget heroin chic, it's 'stick chic.' It rolls off the tongue... ;)

2/13/08

I'm definitely not pregnant. I'm in the red, just in time for Valentine's Day.

2/12/08

Weird...I feel pregnant, but the results are coming back negative. I'll test tomorrow morning if I don't bleed by then.

2/7/08 (part three)

I definitely feel like I'm pregnant--I have some mild nausea, heartburn, cramping, tiredness, increased appetite, and the kind of "different" feeling you get when pregnant. My breasts aren't sore like they were the last time, though. (Bonus!) It's the big "wait and see."

2/7/08 (part two)

I peed on the stick, against my better judgment. It was negative. I am going to try to not test again until Monday, the day of, or before, my period is due. That's 4 days from now. Time would be better spent hibernating until then. The drama...

2/7/08

I'm going to buy some HPT's this morning. Sigh... Is there a 12-step group for women who obsessively pee on sticks? If so, I probably need to join.

1/31/08

Waiting, waiting, waiting. Impatiently, I might add...

1/28/08

I got my period on the 20th, so I hope I'm ready to go now...

1/18/08

The mood is better, though I just looked at the photo section at a woman who is as pregnant as I would have been and I started to cry. Ugh. As soon as I see a pregnant woman, I lose it.

1/10/08

1/2/08

The new year has been difficult already. I'm totally up and down, all over the place, my hormones making life a bit crazy and my mood unpredictable. I had a D&C on December 27th, which made an already stressful holiday season that much more stressful. I guess the good news is that we can try again soon. We're definitely still grieving the loss, but eager to try again. I hope to have some good news in the near future--a healthy, viable pregnancy.

12/19/07

My fiance, Vin, and I are going through a miscarriage right now, though I am still carrying the baby and, as of yesterday, he/she still has a very weak heartbeat, at 55 bpm at almost 9 weeks gestation. It's a difficult time for us and we know how common this is, which is helpful in a lot ways because there is a tremendous amount of support.

We really want to start trying again after my cycle is regulated and when we are ready.