December 2, 2007

Things are okay...still up and down right now. I don't know what else to do to keep myself busy. I guess thats why i'm always so tired now because i'm too busy lol. My baby shower is in two weeks. I'm so excited for it...yet i'm also scared that only 5 people will show up lol. Even if it's only 5 people i'll still try to make the best of it. I've been more and more worried about my baby this past week. I just wish i knew what was going on in there. Reading all these books doesnt seem to help either because all these potential problems can arise and you may never even know its going on. I have a ob appointment on thurday, i'm going to plead with whoever I have to to have another ultrasound soon. I just wanna know whats what and if everything is okay in there as far as fluid levels, development, and potential umbilical cord problems go. Since I haven't had any major problems yet I don't know if they will actually give me one....but it's worth a shot to try. I might just break down and get a 3-d/4-d even though I really didn't want to have to pay that much money for only a few minutes. The problem with that now is how to squeeze it in my schedule, how I would get there, and of course the money thing lol. Also i've been wondering if I should start to think about putting in my maternity leave for work. It seems as though instead of reducing my hours they've added on more lol. In some books i've read they suggest maternity leave after 20 weeks if your on your feet for more than 4 hours at a time. Other say its okay to work up to your due date. Its all so confusing. I guess I should ask the Ob on thursday about it. As far as my ex goes...he called me last weekend and we talked for a short time. He wants me to allow him to be involved in the baby naming process and he wants the baby to have his lastname. He was trying to make me feel bad saying that other couples decide together and blah blah blah...I'm guessing because his brother's girlfriend is due around the same time as me. I replied that our situation is completely different than other people's, and he shouldn't compare us to them because i'm sure that they've never attacked their pregnant wife/girlfriend. He got pissed off and threatened to take me to court for visitation right after the baby is born. I really don't want my child to have any crazy names so I've decided to myself, and have made up my mind about the name(s) i've picked out. I'm sticking with them weither he likes it or not. He hasn't helped me out at all yet--not like i would have accepted it, but still he could have sent me money to help with something or atleast paid me back the money he stole out of my bank account! That financial loss is still putting a dent in my pockets. Also if he is granted visitation I would worry about it so much because I don't trust some of the people he lives with. They could be potential molesters--i know its irrational to think about that but i've seen some questionable activity (not even among adults!!) and don't trust it. A lawyer i talked to also said it would be hard to get supervised visitation in my county. Ugh....instead of getting less complicated its getting worse.

February 8, 2008

My Birth Story/My Birth Drama

I had my baby girl! She's so beautiful. I have been really busy so i'm going to start my update from the week before I had her. Well being as though I had developed gestational hypertension I had to go to do my non-stress test twice a week. The very first time I went her heartrate wasn't accelerating like it should have when she would move. So they decided to give me an ultrasound to make sure everything was on the up and up. I asked the lady very nicely if she would be able to tell me the sex of the baby. She was very sweet and told me she could and if i would like to know would tell me. After she did all the testing she needed to do she discovered my water levels were low. They were at 7.9...which was not high but still not low enough to be alarmed. She searched around for the baby's legs. Just in the knick of time she got a look and she told me the baby was a girl. I was so excited I wanted to cry! I wanted to tell any and everybody! I even called my ex and told him....i was in such a good mood i told him he could help come up with one of her middle names. Ok so the next week when it was time for my ultrasound i had decided to invite my ex so he could share the experience with me. During the visit the tec discovered my water levels had dropped even more to a 6.04 and she was really worried. She called a Doctor and then the Doctor said they were going to induce me. I was excited but scared because if i would have never developed hypertension---something serious could have happened to my little one. So they started me on pitocin and my ex stayed with me for awhile and decided to leave and get some items he needed and come back. So after I had been on pitocin for awhile they checked me and there was no progress. The most painful part of the beginning of labor was those doctors shovin their dam fingers up my vageegee!! They decided to insert this device that was supposed to help me dialate more. Some sort of balloon object. The first time it didn't work but the second time they tried it i had dialated to 4 cm's and they broke my water. They increased my pitocin and waited. Eventually I was at the max dosage before things would get dangerous and they decided I needed to have a C-section because I was in labor for about 2 days almost. During that time since my ex had been really nice and acting civil I told him I would like him to go in with me for my C-section. So my mom left to get some sleep (because they werent doing it for a few hours). Then the drama Began......

So my ex started bugging out on me because I had a baby shower and birthing classes and didn't invite him. I tried to explain to him that I just didn't want to be around him inbetween contractions but he just kept stressing me more and more. My whole thing was she won't even remember any of those things...plus there are many many important events coming in her life that he could be apart of that she will actually remember that it was riciculous for him to even be mad about a baby shower and a birthing class. For one thing...my family hates his guts from what he did--so it would have been a really awkward shower. He said his family would have liked to come...I would have liked them to be there but not him. Plain and simple.....he was acting like a real ass throughout my entire pregnancy so why would i want him to be around my family which know about everything?? It would have brought the mood down. Eventually I started cryin hysterically because I was in so much pain and was pissed at myself for tellin my mom it was okay to leave and letting his jerky self stay. The doctors came in and thought it was just because of the pain but it was other things too. I wanted to tell him to leave but it was like 3 in the morning and he would have had no way to get home. After awhile he apologized for stressing me out while i was in labor. I was still mad at him though so i spent the rest of the night acting like i was too drugged up to interact with him. So then the C-section time came.....

I was so nervous because I had never had major surgery before. They had given me an epidural because the pitocin was to the max and i was having back to back contractions. Plus they said it would work good for me while i was under the knife. The Epidural guy took forever....i had like 5 contractions in the amount of time it took for him to get everything in order. So when i went into the room....they hada prep me and then they let my ex in. He was tryin to take pics of it but they kinda told him it was nono because they were performing major surgery.....I swear the most painful parts was the pushing and tugging...and then when they were pulling my daughter out....OMG! It burned so bad. I don't think they expected her to be so big so maybe they didn't make a big enough cut and i probably tore. My boyfriend was crying and junk and I was trying not to puke. The epidural guy was the main one supporting me. He kept saying it was ok to vomit because the meds would make me do it and he was holding the vomit tray for me and just trying to keep me calm. My ex went and took pics of the baby and stood with her while they sowed me up. That took the longest. Afterwards they showed her to me and I was so excited i cried. She looked so much like me...I just couldnt believe it. She weighed 9lbs 1oz and was born on Feb. 2nd. Eventually they had to rush her away because she was having some problems. While i was in the recovery room the pain of everything started to kick in. They gave me some morphine but that crap didn't work. I was supposed to press a button when the pain got too bad but it didn't help. All it did was make me itch. I was squeezin the crap out of my ex's hand...he eventually felt sick from seeing all the blood and stuff from my c-section and hada throw up. The funny thing is the nurse said some other ladies husband had passed out during her c-section lol. So the day after that......

I didn't get to see my daughter right away because she was suffering from low blood sugar so they had to feed her formula. I was kinda upset about it when i heard because I wanted to breastfeed her but of course i couldn't do anything about it because i was in recovery for an hour and she needed to eat immediately. I asked my ex to take pics of her so i could see because I couldnt hold her or anything. Eventually I had to call it a night and go to sleep. The next morning....I finally got to see her. My sister came to see me from NYC and my mom came back from going home to sleep. The baby was in my room for most of the day and I had tried to get her to breastfeed but it wasn't working--she just wouldn't latch on. They had to give her another bottle feeding. Eventually my ex came back from doin whatever it was he was doing at home and the baby had to be taken back to the nursery because she was havin problems breathing. He was getting mad because he wanted the baby to stay in the room that night. It was so stupid--why would you not want her to get help if she needed it??? So many doctors and nurses came in to talk to me about her condition. I was getting so scared i just couldnt help but to cry. My ex was being a jerk to the Doctors and stuff for no real good reason. He was talkin all this crap about not wanting her to take formula. His dumb-ass was just not getting the point that if they didn't give her formula she would only get worse. They said she could have suffered brain damage if she got too far gone. I wanted to punch him in the face because its like...u don't go to a resturant and piss off the person making ur food. The same applies to a doctor---you don't piss off the person taking care of the one you love. Later they took me down to the neo transitional unit and I got to see that she was ok. She had all these iv's and wire things hooked up to her. It was painful to look at. More drama......

So the next morning my ex kinda woke me up and was asking me about the baby's last name. I told him I was giving her my last name and that I had discussed it with him several weeks previously. He was sayin that it was a slap in the face to him. I said what you did to me earlier in my pregnancy was a slap in the face to me. He then said I deserved it and all this other crap. I told him to leave and not to come back. But he kind of refused. He started going off and screamin at me and what not. I told him i was going to file for custody and he was saying that i had been plannin on my mother being her dad.....I was kinda bewildered like he was just saying all types of nonsense out of his mouth. I told him to get the f out again and he went into the bathroom like he wasnt going to leave. I called the nurses station for them to call security and they came rushing in. They told him he had to leave and he wouldn't. When security came up there they told him he had to leave and he acted like he was on the phone and watever. I thought they were going to have to forceably remove him. He walked out and started walking toward the nursery and they told him he couldn't and he had to leave. He started screamin and yelling he wanted to see his daughter and all this crazy stuff. It caused such a big scene. They had to escort him off the property. A bunch of nurses came in my room and they talked to me while all of this was going on. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Eventually I was calm enough to try and call my mom and I told her she needed to come right away. The nurses explained what happened and she was there in 15 mins. Soon after that a security guard came in and said he wanted his stuff back that he bought. His dumb-ass spent $60.00 on stupid flowers and candy and junk after she was born and then wanted it back because he couldn't have his way. I felt like it was dumb for him to spend that much on flowers when for one he still owed me money and for two he hasYET to help buy ANYTHING for the baby. He could have bought $60.00 worth of diapers for all that--ya know? After that I decided that I had had enough of his crazy fits and i wanted to contact the police about some sort of restraining order. They told me I could file for a Protection from Abuse against him. I did through the help of my domestic violence couselor. The next morning while i was in the nursery again trying to breast feed in vain lol, he called and asked if he could come see the baby. The said yes but he had to check in at the nurses station first because of the incident that happened the previous day. So he came back up there with his mother later on that morning. He totally disregarded the instructions the nurse had stated and when told he was supposed to check in; They said he asked why--and they explained that I didn't want to see him and didn't want to run into him while i was there breastfeeding the baby. Because he had a security bracelet he was allowed in to see the baby. The nurse in there overheard their conversation a little and told me what she was able to hear. She said him and his mother were kind of being shady and talking under their breathes like they didnt want anyone else to hear and what some of the things she did hear was that they were planning to take the baby home with them and all this other crap. They then demanded to see the birth certificate so that he could sign it. The nurses told them that I had the papers and it was up to the mother if he could sign it. Then his mother had the nerve to get uspet because she brought in a teddy bear she wanted to keep in the baby's crib thing there but they wouldn't allow it. Mainly because she was in a special care unit and they were worried about the germs, also it was a suffocation risk. The nurse told me they got upset and left out of the room. I guess after that they had contacted a social worker and she came to talk to me. She told me that they wanted to sign the birth certificate and parental acknowledgement papers. I told her I didn't want his information on any of the babies documents. Then she asked me all these other questions in which they had been inquiring about. Of course what the baby's name was going to be was one of them. I told her that the baby was going to have my last name and i didn't put the middle name he picked out on her birth certificate. I decided that I didn't want him to be allowed to see the baby anymore because it sounded like he was going to try to take her or something. Since he wasn't recognized as her father on the paper work--the hospital complied and when he came there again two days later they sent him away. Well anyway...Now we have a court date next week about the PFA. I'm really nervous because I don't know whats going to happen. My main concern is my child....I feel bad because I hate having to play the bad guy role now--but I have to worry about my child and not his feelings anymore. So I hope everything works out.

April 25, 2008

Well my baby girl is almost 3 months old. I'm so shocked at how the time flys by. She's growing so fast--She's 23 inches long and weighs 13 lbs 4 oz!!!

Things shes doing right now are:

-Rollin over from back to tummy and tummy to back

-Trying to crawl...kinda like scooting herself backwards and forwards lol

-Baby talking -She says "Mom"...people tell me she doesn't know the meaning behind it yet, but whenever she cries she says it so I think they're wrong lol.

-Pulling on people's hair, necklaces, and lips LoL

-Trying to suck her thumbs

-Tasting her toys lol

-Pulls herself up

-Smiling and almost laughing

-Trying to hold her bottle

-Starting to tolerate the carseat a little more.

-And last but definatley not least--she's sleeping through the night!!! lol

She also wears like 6-9 month clothing lol. The stuff her size fits its just that when it comes to length its too short on her. She has exzema---and can't use any of the baby stuff. It sucks because she wont get a chance to smell like a baby lol. She's gotta use Dove sensitive wash and Eucerin lotion. Also because she has bad reflux she has to take medication. I just recently got it switched to something that tastes a better than the stuff she was taking before. She's on Axid now before she was on Zantac. Cheyenne is according to the pediatrician allergic to milk-based formula as well as soy-based...shes on this stuff called nutramigen. Its so expensive---the other stuff is like $12--this stuff costs $28 depending on where you go. Since I've decided to stop giving her breast milk via a bottle (because she never latched on) She goes through about 2 powdered cans a week of her formula. I gave the breastfeeding and honest try--She was getting breastmilk until last week. I mean I was pumping faithfully every 2 hours to maintain my supply. It still went down. Then I had to supplement with formula and now she prefers the formula over the breastmilk. I think mainly because my milk was making her gassy. No matter what I cut out of my diet it still didn't agree with her. She gets rice cereal mixed in with her formula also to make it thicker because of the reflux thing too. Next time she has to go back to the doctors they might start her on food. I saw my doctor last week and she told me that I should wait until she's 6 months to start her on food since she's had so many food allergies already. She said that it will help to cut down on more allergies from food later on in life. I gotta ask my pediatrician about it the next time I see her to see what she thinks. Other than that things are going good. My court custody thing hasn't happened yet....I hope it takes a long, long, long time lol. I start CNA classes next week. I was going to put her in daycare but the one place I found accepting infants I didn't feel comfortable with. Things were going great until I met the teachers. So my friend's mom is going to watch her. I wanna put her on a waiting list for this excellent daycare. I still feel nervous about leaving her because she's developed seperation anxiety, but i gotta make that money lol. Plus I only have to work 3 days a week to be considered full time so I'll be able to spend a lot of time with her.