I am expecting my first born, a son named Ian Langston, on November 16, 2007.

11/13/07

Well, today is the day. I am to be induced at 600am this morning at the hospital. I will be leaving the house around 500am, picking up my Mom and heading on down to the Womens and Childrens center. I havent slept very well... but right now I am running on adrenaline. I am nervous but so ready to finally meet this loaf of bread I have been baking for the past 39 weeks 4 days. My whole family is really excited to finally meet lil Ian too. So.... until later!

Hugs,

Jen

Dr. Apt (Misc)
Current mood: cranky
Category: Life

Since Mom is having her hysterectomy tomorrow and will be in the hospital until sometime on Thursday, I have decided to move my 36 week apt up to this afternoon. (thank goodness the Dr had room to see me today) Dad and I have several apts tomorrow and then Thursday both, so I wanted to be available to take Mom to the Hospital and be able to stay with her and take her home on Thursday.

So, YEAH! This will be my first "weekly" apt with my Dr. he will more than likely check me and see if I have dilated and/or effaced.. Since Mom will be on bedrest for 2 weeks, everyone is hoping that it will be a no (of course, I want to be unpregnant as fast as possible) HAHA! I will be 9 months on friday (36 weeks). So we are on the fast downward spiral.

Keep Mom in your prayers.

Love,

Jen

October 13, 2007 - Saturday

Awwwww. Current mood: content Jon surprised me with a beautiful dozen of roses yesterday at work! Of course it is hard for me to accept anything from just about anyone..but he knows I love them. I had my pregnancy photos done today with Alicia and I brought one of the roses to use in some of the shots. I hope they look great. Anyway, thanks honey.. they do mean alot to me... I love them. Love, Jen October 12, 2007 - Friday Child Support Current mood: blah Category: Life Since Ian is due Mid November (possibly earlier), I have prepared all of the child support forms needed for Mark to pay me. I am not wanting to go through the whole court systems of having a with-holding order done. That can take months, and I will be missing several weeks of work when I have Ian, and I will need the money then to support us while I am out of work. So I am going to send Mark the copies of the childsupport forms. Hopefully he will be in agreement with them (they are following the childsupport guidelines of Alabama, so it would be exactly what the court would order anyway), and then start paying CS in November. I will keep yall updated. Hopefully he will be a Man and step up to the plate. Jen & Sitting on my bladder, Ian. It’s been awhile. Current mood: calm Category: Life It has been awhile that I have posted a blog about me & Ian and how we are doing. Ian it seems is doing well, our next Dr apt isnt until next Thursday. After that appointment, we will be going every Thursday until he decides to show up. I washed most of Ians clothes last night (the used ones, I have gotten). All of the new ones, I have left the tags on just in case they are tooooo small to even use from the beginning. I have been sleeping pretty well at night. I have been having acid reflux/heartburn REALLY bad the last few days. I was eating my limit on Tums and had to move up to some stronger stuff. I have been dealing with the death of Kyra Jaxon. I know that death is a part of life, its still so hard to deal with a baby dying. Its not that I am thinking something will happen to either myself or Ian, its more like the "you never know". I have still been standofish with my feelings for Ian. I dont know if its still the situation, or I am afraid to get attached and then something does happen. Maybe its just feelings that most new parents have but just dont "talk about it". On Saturday my friend Alicia will be coming into town and doing some photos of me being preggo. I hope I dont break her camera. We are going to try to use my Grandmothers gardens as backdrops. I am going to try to go and get a pedicure and manicure today, so that my nails at least look nice. HAHA! Anyway, Mom is doing ok, we are trying not to worry until we have something to worry about. Surgery is still planned for next Wednesday. She had her presurgery bloodwork and workup done yesterday at the hospital. Anyway, keep my family in your thoughts. Love, Jen October 9, 2007 - Tuesday Kyra Jaxon 2 Current mood: sad Category: Life My name is Lacyn Clements and I'm 19 years old. I am currently residing in AL. On the 3rd of October of this year, I had my first child. A little girl named Kyra Jaxon. I was induced the night before at Crestwood Hospital. Talk about excited! I had waited 9 long months to see her and it was finally happening! However, we started havin complications during contractions. Kyra was in distress and her heart rate kept dropping. So I ended up having a c-section. Kyra was born into my life at 6:36 PM. Instead of hearing my baby's cry, I heard a faint sound. It was only moments later that the doctor showed her face to me for a few seconds and took off with her. Within minutes, he returned to tell me my baby was going to have to be transported to Huntsville Hospital's NICU right away. They brought her to see me before I ever even made it to my recovery room. I got to see my daughter for about 5-10 minutes inside of an incubator box and then she was gone. All I had of her was a photo they took of me in the nursery right after she was born. After they took my baby, the doctor explained to me that she had a chromosone disease and that she was a Trisomy 18 baby. She had problems breathing on her own as well. The next day I anticipated my parents coming back from the NICU to tell me how my daughter was doing. I got more bad news. She had a heart murmur. There was a hole in her heart where there wasn't supposed to be. I then asked my dad about the chromosone disease and what it was. I didn't know how unprepared I was for the answer. Having a chromosone disease meant that she would be mentally handicapped for her entire life. We would have to wait for the chromosone test results to come in before we could properly diagnose her with the right disease though. For instance, Down Syndrome is a type of chromosone disease. My doctor told me that Kyra wasn't going to make it and it was only a matter of time. I was devestated. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't accept the fact that this was happening to me and my baby. I was deeply depressed, butI knew I had to get better fast to be released from the hospital as soon as I could so I could see my daughter for myself. I was up and out of bed that day walking around on my own, going to the bathroom, and getting in and out of bed. Walking down the hallway was a good report for the doctor, but it was hard for me to see all the other new mothers with their babies in their arms and in the nursery. Mine wasn't there. I was released the morning after on the 5th and I went straight to Huntsville Hospital's NICU. I didn't even worry about picking up my pain prescription first. My daughter meant so much more to me than my pain. As my dad wheeled me up to my baby, it took all I had to not bawl. She was so beautiful. She had a headful of dark hair and a tanned complexion. But she had tubes in her mouth and wires on her little body. She was on a ventilator. On top of that I was only allowed to touch her very little as possible because they didn't want to overdstimulate her and put her into shock. My heart was so happy but breaking all at the same time. I came to see her 2 or 3 times a day, as much as I possibly could. I'd stay until my pain medication wore off and I was hobbling to get around. I brought her a stuffed giraffe that I slept with in the hospital with a ribbon pinned onto it that said "Very Special Daughter". I took pictures as did my dad and stepmom. I would watch her make the cutest faces and stroke her soft hair. She was doing a lot better than they all thought she would so I had high hopes and beliefs of her having a fighting chance. However, on Sunday morning on the 5th of October of this year (only 4 days after I had her), the nurse said she wasn't doing so well. This was the day I was expecting the test results in about her chromosones. After visiting her, I told the nurse to call me as soon as the results were in and that I was going home for a nap. I got maybe an hour's worth of nap time when my brother woke me up and told me it was the health care and asked if I could talk. I grabbed the phone and said hello. Instead of hearing, "We have the test results in, would you please come up here to discuss them," I heard, "Would you please come up here? You're daughter has taken a turn for the worse." Heart pounding and scared to death, I told my dad in tears to get his shoes on and that we need to go right then because something was wrong. My dad, stepmom, mom, and I got into the car and put the hazards on as we sped to the hospital. As we entered the NICU with me trying to hold the tears, my worst fears had come true. There were nurses surrounding her with the doctor adn they were trying to get her to breathe. The doctor explained to me that all her blood was coming up out of her lungs and that she had already lost most of her body's blood supply. HE told me that he had sent for blood, but that even if they succeeded in stabilizing her that it wouldn't last. He said the best thing for Kyra was to let her go. Crying my eyes out, the nurse asked me if I would like to hold my baby before we lost her. I nodded yes. After being placed in my arms, I told her that she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and that she wasmy little miracle in life and that I loced her so much. I told her I was sorry and that it just wasn't fair. Then, just like that, she was gone. She died in my arms right there in the NICU with my parents standing behind me crying. I didn't want to believe it. My mind was screaming, " No! Please don't go! Come back! Please!" But Kyra wasn't breathing anymore. There was no heart rate. No pulse. No life. My world had shattered to pieces i a matter of minutes. My life, my universe, my everything revolved around her. The past week had been so hard and now this. Feeling broken and confused and lost, the nurse let me bathe and clothe her for some pictures. My dad had another photographer and a chaplin come up there as well. It wasn't real. It felt like a nightmare. That evening when I was ready, the nurses gave me all of Kyra's stuff and we put Kyra in a basket to take her to the funeral home. I was barely hanging in there. When we got there, it was more than I could take handing her over to the funeral home person. I hadn't had enough time with my daughter. Even though I had picked out the white casket with the pink interior, I couldn't think of possibly putting her in it. The night after on the 7th, we had a viewing for Kyra at the funeral home for my friends and daddy's friends. I couldn't even feel. I was numb. I felt emotionless. I didn't even feel like I was even there, but instead I was watching from outside my own body at everything and everybody around me. It felt like nothing more than a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. I'm having her funeral back in Texas where our family is though. Even though the reality of it still hasn't completely set in, I know it will over the next few days. I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle putting her in the ground though...I'm not ready to physically let her go

In Memorial Kyra JaxonOctober 8, 2007 - Monday

Rest in Peace Kyra Jaxon Current mood: sad Category: Life On October 3, 2007 at 6:36pm Kyra Jaxon was born to my friend Lacyn. On October 7, 2007 Kyra died. I met Lacyn in my childbirth classes. For 7 weeks Lacyn and I sat next to each other in class. We were the only ones that didnt really have a partner there at the class. My Mom went with me I think 3 times, and Lacyn was there by herself everytime. Lacyn and I had very similar stories when it came to the fathers of our children, pretty much = LOSERS. When we did our lamaze breathing class, Mom was both of our coaches. Mom would make funny faces and make us both laugh. Even though Lacyn was only 19, I admired her for doing the right thing for her and the baby.. She stuck it out and was a trooper. I am so sorry that things ended this way for her. There are no words that can express my sorrow for her during this time. Tonight at 6 is the viewing from Kyra, I will be going, and I am hoping that my Mom will be able to go with me too. They are going to bury Kyra in Texas where Lacyn is from. Attached to this is the last blog that Lacyn posted before Kyra died. Keep her in your thoughs, Jennifer From Lacyns website: My little Kyra Jaxon finally got here at 6:36 PM on the 3rd. Even though I was induced, I was taking too long to dialate and Kyra was havin complications during contractions. Her heart rate would skyrocket and then drop. So we ended up having to do an c-section when my contractions got too painful for me and i wasn't allowed more pain medication. I had a spinal and the procedure took maybe 15-20 minutes. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the surgery table! However, some other complications came up when Kyra was finally fished out of my belly. She wasn't breathing right on her own and she was only 4 lbs 8 oz and 16" long. The doctor showed her to me for a few seconds and rushed her out of the room. While I was still being stitched up, Dr. Dworsky came back in and explained to me that Kyra was going to have to be rushed to Huntsville Hospital's NICU, which was about 10 minutes away from Crestwood Hospital. I was able to see her for about 5-10 minutes before they transported her out. I hadn't even made it to my recovery room yet. They brought her to me in an incubator box. She had a breathing mask on and tubes attached to her and wires. I wasn't able to hold her at all. I was alllowed to stick my hands through the hole and touch her face, but that was about it. Then they left with my baby. My dad wasn't ready to see his granddaughter that way and he and I were soon in tears. It just wasn't fair and we still didn't know what was really the problem. The next morning when my dad and stepmom got back to Crestwood from Huntsville Hospital, I asked them what chromosone disease was. Daddy hadn't wanted to tell me for another day or so, but I had asked. I didn't know how unprepared I was for the answer. Chromosone disease can be a number of diagnoses. Down Syndrome is a chromosone disease for example. Kyra is mentally handicapped and this Sunday we should be getting test results back letting us know what she will be properly diagnosed with. She also had has a heart murmur. A valve in her heart was still opened that shouldn't have been but now it's being kept open to help her stay alive, at least until a cardiologist decides whether or not she can tolerate surgey to have it fixed if she can survive with it closed. At first the doctor's didn't believe she would make it at all. Trust me, I was so depressed at Crestwood Hospital because I didn't have my baby and because I wasn't sure if the next time I saw her, if she'd even be alive. But Kyra made it through the pregnancy and the birth so she had a fighting chance for a while. She started breathing better and she was clearing obsticles the doctors didn't think she would. She's passing urine and having bowel movements just fine and opening her eyes. When I was released at about 10:30 AM on the 5th, I went straight to the NICU to see my baby. It was so hard not to start bawling. All I had was a picture taken in the nursery the last time I had seen her. She was so beautiful. Kyra looks so much like me when I was a baby. She has a headfull a thick, black hair and blue eyes and a dark tan complexion. I wanted to hold her so bad but I could only still barely touch her. Another doctor told us he believes she could have a good chance at 3-5 years right now. Things have been looking up a bit and I was so happy. I've gotten to change her diaper twice so far and I get to help with her care. She's on a ventilator right now as well as IV fluids, but she's pulling through like a trooper. Hopefully within the next couple of days they'll start tubefeeding her. I've been using a breastpump so she'll have the best she can get when she starts eating because formula doesn't have the same nutrients my own milk does. I want to help my daughter any way I can. I go to see her every day as much as possible and I talk to her and stroke her thick hair most of the time. She's my little miracle and I'm so head over heels in love with her. I'm so glad that she's here in my life and no matter what happens, I'm going to do all I can for her. She's my top priority in life now and I couldn't ask for more. The past few days have been a rollercoaster ride, that's for sure. I'll have pictures up soon and another update shortly.

10/04/07

Jennifer

3d/4d Ultrasound
Current mood: excited
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Well, after an hour of poking and trying to get him to move around, we could never get little boy to uncover his face. I guess he is like his Uncle David and doesnt like his photo taken. I guess I should be happy he wasnt shooting me a bird like Uncle David usually does in photos!

We tried really hard, but the Dr finally had to "scan through" the arm covering his face to get the side profile of his face.

As far as we can tell, there is NO FACIAL problems with little man. I think he has my ear, and my chin. I am hoping that he has my nose too, since its just the right size! Since we couldnt get a full frontal of his face, from the side there looks to be not cleft lip issues.

Little Man is in the 44% growing range. He now weighs 2 lbs 11oz. HE HAS A BIG HEAD (another Little David trait I think). The Est. Due Date is still Nov. 16.

Since I am doing really well, we are going to try to stretch the next visit to 4 weeks instead of the normal 2 week cycle now. And then after that visit do the every two week visit, until 9 months and then do it every week. YEAH!

Anyway, thanks for everyones prayers and emails, and well wishes. I am not so afraid anymore. BUT, I do know, that if something is wrong, that I will have alot of friends and family there to support us.

Love,

Jennifer

August 30, 2007 - Thursday

Getting Scared! Current mood: scared Ok guys, I know this isnt a shock for most of you, but I am getting scared to see little man in the flesh / color of the 3d/4d screen! The reason being, Mark is a carrier of a syndrome that could cause from slight to severe physical issues. Mark has had some severe issues that this syndrome can give you (he lost an eye from it when he was very young). See the link below to read more about it. http://faces-cranio.org/Disord/Stickler.htm When I went to my 5 month apt to find out what I was having, the Dr didnt see any characteristics of sticklers at the time. BUT, that was when little man was little, and it wasnt a 3d/4d ultrasound which is in a way color, so that we can see him clear. I am getting scared to know if we can tell that he has any problems. So please pray for me and more so little man that he doesnt have any problems. Love, Jen Dr. Apt. Current mood: distressed Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes I just got back from my 28 week (7 month) Dr. Apt. I have gained 10 lbs this month (I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT WEIGHT IS). So that makes 20 lbs so far in 29 weeks as of tomorrow. My blood pressure is high again, so he is wanting me to watch it carefully. I am also measuring 4 weeks short now, he said throughout my pregnancy I have been measuring 1 week behind, so now I am 4 weeks behind. He said that is because little man isnt in the up/down position... He is in the side to side position. That is probably because I am short, and short waisted, and I have more room side to side than up and down (or so says the Dr). Other than that I am ok, I have a small case of UTI, which the Dr says pretty much every patient he has thats pregnant has one at one time or another while they are pregnant. AND, since I am wanting to get the 3d/4d ultrasound done, I am to go back today at 4pm to get it done. So I will have to go find a VHS tape and get $150.00 cash to pay for it. So this update is to help me to be a little more careful about my blood pressure and to hope that little man moves into the right position soon, so there wont be any problems. Thats it! Jen August 28, 2007 - Tuesday More Presents OHH MY! Current mood: happy Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes At times like these, Thank You just doesnt seem to be enough. Yesterday after work, I was sitting on my couch at home watching tv, when a UPS man comes-a-knocking on my door (actually scared me since I wasnt expecting anyone). I waited till he left, and then snuck outside to see what he left me. Low and behold there was a LARGE box addressed to ME! Opening it up, I see LOTS OF BABY STUFF! Of course, I am curious to know who would have sent me presents! It was Sierra and her family! I havent seen Sierra since highschool, She and her family actually live in the Birmingham area now, but still close to "home". (Check out my new photo under baby presents of the stuff Sierra sent me). This is so amazing to me that people who I havent seen in years, and havent been in much contact with love me and my little boy enough to send us presents. Of course I cried, and I'm crying now, because it shows me how there are still loving and caring people left in this world. It still boggles my mind that in just a few weeks there will be a new little person in this world. I have bunches still to do, and little energy or time to do everything it seems. I sometimes feel that I wont have everything done before its time to go to the hospital and see what the stork has delivered for me! HAHA! Anyway, THANK YOU doesnt seem to express enough my gratitude and happiness I have for all my friends that are there for me. Even if I don't see you, or talk to you on the phone often.... All of your thoughtful emails, messages, texts and hugs mean so much to me. I really dont' think I would have made it this far without each and everyone of you! WE LOVE YOU! Jennifer & Little Man August 23, 2007 - Thursday Happy Almost 7 months and random! Current mood: chipper Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes Hi All! Ok, I had my 4th baby class last night. We went over the different types of medication that you can get during labor and delivery. Since I have had NUMEROUS horrible experiences with SEVERE nausea and vomiting after any type of pain medication and anastesia..... I have decided that if I need it, an epidural is deffinently the way I need to go. Demerol in an iv (for me) has not been a very good experience either. I had to explain to my Mom since she missed last nights class the difference between a "Spinal" and an "Epidural". When she had me she had a "spinal" and HATED the feeling. Its much more intense in the loss of feeling than an epidural. With a spinal its a 1 time injection of medication that makes you completly loose all feeling. But, with an epidural its a controlled medication, so they can pump it up, or back it down depending on what Mom and Baby are feeling and doing. Mom was so worried about me getting a Spinal (her thinking it was the same thing as an Epidural) that we had gotten into it over it. I explained to her (and she has seen me recovering from surgery to know first hand) how my body reacts to the medications, so that now that she knows a little more, even she is thinking if I need it, an epidural is the way to go. SO YEAH! Hopefully no more "getting into it" over my choice of pain medication. Tomorrow little man and I will be entering our 7th month together. It is now considered my 2nd longest relationship (outside my family of course) and by far the most meaningful. I guess because he hasnt had the chance to get mad, hateful or ornery at me. HAHA. The only thing lately is the past week the trips to the bathrooms have increased alot, so has my inability to get comfortable at night. So usually around 2am I am waking up, needing to use the bathroom (dont know how I held it so long), and then cant get comfortable again to sleep. Today I am in a really good mood. I actually took out one of the newborn sized daipers I have gotten and I am amazed that little man is actually going to be able to wear it. ITS SO TINY! I guess I should hope he can wear it and not come out needing man sized diapers! HAHA That would be very painful I think. This Friday Jon and I are taking his boys to a Stars game for their first baseball outing. And then this weekend the boys and I are going to Guntersville State Park with my friend Jackie (from Birmingham) and her family. This will be my first time seeing Jackie since I moved back home and gotten pregnant! I think it will be funny to see her, see me, since I look SO DIFFERENT! I hope where we are staying is close to a bathroom, and thats all Im going to say about that. HAHA. Anyway, Happy 7th month little man, next step is GETTING YOU A NAME! Love, Jen Happy 27 weeks to you! Current mood: hopeful Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes Today "Little Man" is 27 weeks or 189 days old. I am entering my 3rd and last trimester today. Its hard to believe but in just a few short weeks he will be here. I am so ready to have him here, but so very scared at the same time. According to everything I have read he is now over 2 lbs and is almost 15 inches tall. I was wearing a tighter dress yesterday and I saw him move through my dress. Talk about alien strange feeling! I was in bed right at 700pm last night. This past week with the heat, I get so tired so quick and feel by 700pm that I am pretty much done in for. I think I fell asleep by 800pm. I woke up several times in the night, I even woke up this morning hearing a little bit of rain on my window. Back to the baby. I love him very much, I have waited almost 30 years for him. But, I am still scared. This is of course not the ideal situation to have a baby in, but I have to keep thinking. There are people that are far worse off than I am. I have a lovely little house, a newly repaired car, a great family that will help me in any form or fashion. I am just worried that I wont be good enough for him. That he will feel that he is missing out on something. Maybe its just me, maybe its just my hormones. Who knows. Maybe its cause im just a GIRL! HAHA I am no longer sad that I am not having a girl. Even though I will always dream of having a little princess dressed up in little pink dresses and bows in her long blonde hair. I am getting excited about having a little boy like how my little brother was. I always thought it was so cute to see little David in his little shorts with cowboy boots on and his little guns "pretending" to shoot at things. He was a rough and tumble little boy, I dont know how he didnt get hurt more often than he did. I guess it was cause I was a little momma hen to him, and watched him like he was my own little boy. I cant wait to dress little man in some blue jeans and a tee shirt, and him bring me his first froggy he caught. I cant wait till he givs me my first real "mommy i love you kiss". My mom said that little boys dont break your heart like little girls do. I dont think I broke my moms heart though. She and I were in a really tough situation when I was growing up. It was just the two of us, my real dad was never in the picture. She had to work 2 jobs and Momma Jean and Daddy helped her raise me. I dont remember being unhappy and I dont ever remember asking why I didnt have a Daddy like most of my other friends. I had enough family around me to not make me really care. I can only hope little man feels the same way. I know his Uncle David will be there to guide him and love him. As Auntie Bethany said "Uncle David can get him a grill and teach him all the Tupac songs" HAHA. I would rather hear my sweet little boy sing "Walking in High Cotton" like little David did when he was little. Tupac can come later, when he is like 30 :) Anyway, thanks for hearing me ramble, im having a VERY emotional day today, I think I have already filled a couple of buckets with my tears! Love, Jennifer and Little Man August 16, 2007 - Thursday Immaturity of People (pregnancy class rant) Current mood: pissed off Category: Life Last night was my third Lamaze/baby class, it was also the "birth video" class. I can not believe the immaturity of a lot of the "fathers" in the class. When it came to the actual birth they were "ewwww, gross, nasty, making gagging sounds, and making rude comments about the womens private parts during the actual birth". These are supposed "men" who knocked up their girlfriends (maybe 3 are married in the whole class of about 30). Most of them are teenagers or early 20s. I feel old at 29 in the class. I believe that they should show the whole video to 9th graders in highschool, seeing this video (not the edited one I saw in highschool). I am thinking there will be ALOT less births to immature idiots than there are today. I am also not opposed to birth control being given out to highschool students, IF they take a full sex ed class, not the joke of one that I had in highschool. If I were the spouse/girlfriend of these "men" I would be embarrassed to be around them more than anything. If they are "men" enough to knock a girl up, they should be mature enough "men" to face their responsibilities like MEN and not like 15 year old boys/children. I was so distracted by the gagging and faux puking sounds that I wanted to SCREAM. These are the people/men that should not be allowed to breed. ARGH! Sorry for the rant, but it just burned me up to have to sit through this hour long video and hear this type of crap going on around me. BE FREAKING MATURE ABOUT IT! August 14, 2007 - Tuesday Update! Current mood: busy Category: Life Not much to report. Got my gestational diabetes test back, everything is normal. I go to my third physical therapy tomorrow morning at 700am (WOOHOO). Baby boy isnt moving as much these last few days, I think its more heat than anything else, WTH!!!! Its 105 outside with like 13% humidity, what happend to the dripping summer in the south, 95 with 80% humidity?! HEHE! Bethany and David came over last night, Bethany bought me a bookshelf, so I can start finishing my rooms up (I think thats a hint, that she wants to move in when the baby gets here, so I gotta hurry and get the guest room done!) Anyway, things are going alright with me. Just getting slower and slower and slower. Will I ever feel like me again? Jen August 11, 2007 - Saturday Jon Current mood: thankful Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes I have waited to really talk about Jon until I have gotten my thoughts in order. Since I have figured out when a person is pregnant their thoughts are NEVER in order, then I might as well take a nose dive into this topic. I "met" Jon on July 14. We went out on our first date July 19. I then had my accident on July 20,We were pretty much inseprable from that day. Its crazy I could rely on Jon from the first day, he would have been at the hospital with me if I woulda told him which one I was at, and how to get there. I couldnt even get the babys daddy to call me back from my message to him for HOURS. Since Jon does not live in Huntsville, I dont get to see him everyday. We usually go almost a solid week between visits. We "talk" pretty much everyday. I have really gotten used to his early morning emails, that I read as soon as I get to work, or get up every morning. Jon has full custody of his two children. He has 2 wonderful boys that are too cute for words, and sweet to boot. Jon is the first man I have ever met that has the same passion for children that I have. I see in Jon everything I have ever wanted in a man. Someone I KNOW that would be there for me till the ends of time. He is so caring and so giving that it scares me. I am so used to not feeling "good enough" or being the right person for someone that I dont know how to react to someone telling me "you are near perfect for me". With my Exhusband I was told that "no matter what you do, it will never be enough, and that I try to hard, but it doenst matter" with Mark, I was told that "I was too good, and he wasnt good enough for me". I do deserve someone that feels for me everything I have ever wanted. I find myself trying my hardest to ruin this. I am sometimes not as nice as I know I am/and can be. I get snippy, I am pushy, I am testing him. I know I am doing it, and I dont know how to stop it. Its like I still have the mentality that I am not good enough and he will just leave me anyway. I know I am good enough, and that I do deserve Jon. I just dont know how to "fix myself" to make myself realize this is good and right. AM I CRAZY? I have prayed the same prayers and dreamed the same dreams you have Jon, please be patient with me. Thank you for your heart. Love, Jennifer

July 13, 2007 Update

Well for all that know my story heres an update. Babys Daddys new girlfriend has come over this week for their planned "get to know you" visit. She is staying at his house, wonder what kinda "get to know you" visit they are having. Anyway, last week, he was supposed to come over on Friday to help hang my kitchen blinds. We had planned it, he would be over at 700pm, and I was to fix dinner for him in exchange. (Reminder: we dont have a relationship, just a partnership). Well, 700pm comes, then 730, 800, 830......... At 900pm I try calling. 930 I try calling. By this time im in bed, I think my head was about to blow off. He lives 3 miles away, no reason to be THIS LATE. At 1035pm I get a text message, that she had called to get directions to his house, and blah blah they were on the phone for 4 hours, he didnt think it would take this long.

I ASKED HIM, DID YOU THINK TO TELL HER THAT YOU HAD PLANS ALREADY? THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE HELPING THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD GET HER HOME READY?????

His response: its none of her business.

I BLEW A FUSE!

I used f words and such not.

Anyway, I knew she would be here this week. I told him I wouldnt call unless I had an emergency or something. Well yesterday, my blood pressure decides to spike. BIG TIME. I have the whole dizzy spell, bloody nose everything.

I have tried calling him and text messaging him for 24 hours, no response.

I am ready to do some damage.

July 5, 2007 - Thursday ITS A BOY! Category: Life Everything is going great. He is growing well, almost a 1 lb. I have gained some weight 6 lbs in 5 months, not bad. I have a picture of his profile with him sucking his thumb, a picture of his business, a picture showing his face, and then one of his little foot. Sooooooooo. I guess I have me a little man!

I am so scared. Category: Life Since yesterday I have just had a really upsetting feeling that something is wrong. I dont know if it is natural to feel this way, if its just first time Mommy syndrome, or its just my emotions getting the best of me. I cant seem to find the words to express what I am feeling. I will just leave it at that. July 2, 2007 What a Clumsy fool I am!!!!! Current mood: blah Category: Blogging Well lets see. I have had a pretty bad headache all day today...it never would go away even with tylenol. Argh. I hate those. So, I decided to go ahead and head out for lunch anyway (baby still has to eat). I had some xtra-hot wings with ranch dressing.... Dang good. So walking back out to my car, I decided to just take a tumble head first to the concrete (there was a dip in the concrete that I didnt quite notice). So I am now the proud new owner of a right leg full of road rash and a knee that took the brunt of it. Luckily, it isnt my knee that I had surgery on a few years ago. So, I cant wait to see what Dad says when he gets back from lunch and sees my new bandage that covers my whole knee. HAHAHA I guess you can say either "She is clumsy as hell" or "My center of gravity has now been changed by the punkin pie". I havent felt the baby move yet since the accident, hes prolly asleep from the hot wings and tea I had. So, Miss Grace strikes again! June 29, 2007 - Friday WTH? MEN FUCKING SUCK! Current mood: angry Category: Life Here I am, having a friendly conversation via IM with Babys Daddy. And then all of the sudden out of no where he goes ballistic. Demanding to know how much he will have to give me for childsupport. That it all comes down to money, that - that it is all I am after anyway. Little does he know, or maybe he does know, that I record every single conversation that we have via IM or email. That I can show him how we went from discussing using cloth diapers and making my own baby food, to childsupport. I thought that we had come to some sort of "meeting of the minds" that we were going to work on whatever it is thats between us and see where it goes. That we would be there to depend on each other and that he would be involved in the babies life. If I were rich, If I were to win the lottery, If I didnt need his support I would tell him to go to hell, that we were better off without him. That I would rather have someone there to depend on physically and emotionally more than financially. That I would rather have someone that loved me and the baby more than life its self, than someone thats freaking out about "having to help the baby". Hell, I am the one that was duped into thinking that this person loved me enough to give me a baby that I had dreamed about my whole life, that was going to be there forever, that he wanted it too. Essentially after finding out I was pregnant... he went crazy... everything was about "what I wasnt doing for him' "why did I not worry about him" "why did it take me so long to check up on him when he wouldnt return my phone calls". Never once did he call in the past few months until last week to check up on us. To make sure I am alright. It was always me reaching out the olive branch to him, to make him feel involved, to send him my blogs about the little crap I was feeling, doing, experiencing. Why is it any man that I love, I am the one to pay the price. Even if I am not the one in the wrong. Why do I have to suffer other peoples demons. Why do I have to live in someone elses shadow. I am here, I am alive, I deserve someone to love me. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be told "you are the only one for me" I DAMN WELL DESERVE IT!

June 28, 2007

UPDATE:

Updates
Current mood: curious
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Well, nothing new to really report today.

I am getting anxious about the Dr apt next week to find out what we are having. I am hearing from a few of my online friends through my pregnancy websites that they have discovered problems lately and as supportive as I want to be, its scaring the CRAP outta me. I know that God will only give me what I can withstand and if thats a child with problems so be it. I am accepting of my fate in life.

It is getting close to lunch time and I cant decide what the heck I want to have. Wings or Schlotzkys sammich. HAHAH, what a BROAD range huh.

I am also checking out about taking infant and child CPR. I havent had any classes on CPR since I was in highschool, and I figure it is better to be prepared than NOT.

Most of the people that I have been talking to so far think I am having a girl. I am really having a hard time deciding about names for the baby. Maybe it will be easier once I know the gender. Or who knows it could be harder.

I was wondering does anyone feel a sense of loss when they find out what they are having? Like with me wanting to have a girl, if I am having a boy, I wonder what I will feel like. Will I be sad? Will I feel like my "baby girl" that I wasnt having died? I know that might sound morbid, but it is something I am thinking about.

Tomorrow is the big day, I will be exactly 1/2 way done with my pregnancy. I will be 5 months or 20 weeks. I cant wait till I can feel the baby kick from the outside. Its weird I sit here and feel the baby move on the inside, but since no one else can feel it, I am wanting someone else to feel it too. Like I am not the only one. I sit here with my hands all over my belly "willing" the baby to kick my hand "Come on little ballerina, hit me once real good" or "Come on kicker, hit it through the uprights". I know I know, I am silly, but I CANT be the only one that feels that way. Its like right now, I am the only one that can experience what I am feeling and its a sort of lonely feeling. I am sure there will be a day when I will wish that only I can feel this close to my baby again. That day just isnt right now.

UPDATE:

June 25, 2007

A Walk In The Park
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I took a walk in the park today during lunch. Since I work by the courthouse, I can just walk across the street and down the stairs to the park next to the civic center.

I took some left over bread and off I went.

I talked to the baby the whole way.. describing the fishes in the water, the geese that were honking at me and the baby duck that was following me trying to get to my bread in my bag.

I can't wait till I can do the old game "Baby, what sound does a duck make"?

The little punkin has been really wiggly today, I have felt him/her move more today than every other day all together.

I am so happy to feel that he is really there.

Love,

Jen

UPDATE:

06/21/07

I was told that I needed to apologize to a friend today.

Here is the story.

I went to see some friends this early week. As we are sitting there, talking about the baby etc. I am told "You will have to get over it and do this and this and this" all pertaining to this person telling me how "I WILL HAVE TO BE WITH THE BABY'S FATHER". Never did I ask for the advice, but I was "TOLD IT". I know this person wants a child to, but they have only been married a year (if that long). If they want to give advice, how about waiting until someone asks it. That is like a shot in the gut for me, when I have done very well for myself and my child considering I am essentially doing it alone. I proceeded to tell that person that "she needed to get pregnant and have her own child to raise". I know I might have been cruel, but telling someone what they need to do and how they need to do it when they have no way in knowing what is going on in that person's life is ridiculous.

I am not sorry for saying what I did, and I will not apologize. I am only sorry that they were hurt by my words. But, they should have thought about how the other person would feel, what they were saying and how they were saying it, before they said it.

UPDATE 06/22/07

My Letter to my Friend
Current mood: blah
Category: Life

*****The name of my friend has been changed to protect her identity*****