More....

I live in Tampa, Fl with my wonderful boyfriend Chris. We have a small apartment and a huge cat named Blue.

I found out I was pregnant on february 2, and had my first appointment march 12, then my first ultrasound on march 21, where they determined that I was 14 weeks. We saw the baby punching back at the ultrasound wand, and started calling 'it' slugger.

I had another checkup on april 13th where my boyfriend and I got to hear the heartbeat again, and I felt him move for the first time on april 14th after a late dinner. We were eagerly awaiting the next ultrasound on may 10th, where we found out that the baby is a boy!! I saw his wee-wee as soon as the tech put the wand to my belly. In the midst of the excitement, the ulrtasound tech was quiet while she measured all required parts, we saw the four chambered heart beating strong, and his profile, which looks like me! Junior was moving around all crazy, and the tech was having a hard time getting measurements of his limbs. We enjoyed the show.

When the doctor called us back to discuss what was on the ultrasound, she told us (without sugar coating it at all) that there were some abnormalities with the baby's limb development and that his arms and legs were about 4 weeks behind his head and body. She told us (without the sugar again) that the baby could have achondroplasia,or dwarfism, and asked my boyfriend and I if it was in our history. We both said no, being as I am 5'11" and he is 6'2". The doc also said that if it wasn't dwarfism, then something was wrong, causing the limb development to slow down. Chris (my boyfriend) and I were shocked, and tears started streaming down my face before I could stop them.

We weren't trying to get pregnant, and now, something that we have no controll of could effect our child for the rest of his life. What's worse, I was told that I would be given a Cd ROM of the ultrasound to take home, and because of the abnormality, they wouldn't give it to me. So i now have to go off of what I remember from the ultrasound. When I look at all the other baby's pics, their limbs do look longer, but maybe we just didn't see Junior's in the right angle. I have to go on Friday, May 18, to the hospital for a consultation and another ultrasound, and possibly an amnio. :( I will post the results next week. As far as the baby goes, he is very active all day while Im at work, waking with his mommy in the morning. He wiggles when he hears my voice and his daddy's voice, and I beam with happiness and love. I am just worried about his quality of life, as we all know, the world is a mean place. We shall see tomorrow!!

5/23/07

Ladies, the diagnosis is not a good one. My baby has campomelic dysplasia, which is a usually fatal form of dwarfism. This diagnosis was established after an hour and thirty minuite ultrasound by a perinatologist. The more common effects of this genetic mutation are curved bones, misshapen head, cleft pallet, 11 ribs instead of 12, and sometimes curvature of the spine and bell shaped thorax or belly. The part that makes it fatal is the size of the chest. It is usually small in this condition, and depending on how small determines if the child will live or not. I took notice of this when the doctor himself was scanning me, and focusing on my baby's heart. I said 'it looks kind of big for his chest', and the doctor said ' that's what concerns me'. he went back to his office and goe his pen and paper and came back to tell me what the condition was, and that babies with a chest to heart ratio of .8 and above have a hard time, but they make it with help after they are born. my son's ratio is .6, and he told me that my baby would die before he takes his first breath, due to lack of lung development. I begged him to give me some hope, but he had tears in his eyes as he shot down every hopeful remark my family and I had. He then gave my the option of early termination, which I would never consider otherwise, and told me that it could be done by d&e, (dialation and evacuation) also known as an abortion. during this two day procedure they would dialate my cervix, and vaccuum out the "biowaste" as the technition at the clinic stated it, then the 'waste' would be cremated. The baby would still be alive during the evacuation. This IS NOT an option for me. I do not want my child in pain. ever. The doctor also told me that I could possibly have an induction of labor, and through the natural process, the uterus would contract, cutting off blood to the placenta and the baby, and he would pass painlessly. The issue is that my insurance will not cover the procedure, and I am having a very hard time finding a doctor that will help me with this procedure. I feel that this would be the best way to deliver my baby painlessly for him, and hold him and tell him how much I love him. The last and hardest option would be to carry my son to term, and have a cesearean section, (which is mandatory with any type of dysplasia) and then watch as they try again and again to keep him breathing and alive ( which they have to do in florida). I found this out on friday, and have been dealing with it since. I do not know which way is up, what is right or wrong, or how I am going to hold out through this whole thing. He gets stronger inside me every day, and I feel him playing around in there. I wish that God had another plan for me and my son, but this is the way it is. All that I can do is pray for strength and for God to show me the right path. Thank you to everyone who has cared or been concerned, and I ask that you pray for me and my son.

5/24/07

My boyfriend and I, after some serious soul searching have decided to induce labor and terminate this pregnancy early. The doctors say that I am only actually about 20-21 weeks, due to the bone dysplasia it is hard to tell. I would not go this rout if I thought that there was any other way. I am about 99% sure, with the diagnosis of a specialist, that my baby boy will never be able to breathe in this world. I have chosen this option because it is least stressful/painfull to the baby, and because I love him and do not want him in pain. He will pass naturally during the labor process. Every picture of surviving campomelic babies has chest tubes, or halos or scoliosis rods or trach tubes. I refuse to sentence my first child to a life (if he made it) of hospitalization. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, but I feel that God has pointed me in the right direction, and will be with me, my family, and my son during this time. The Lord will take my son away from this place and the pain of this world and shower him with love in heaven, where I will be with him again one day.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and kind words, they too have given me strength in this time of need. I pray that you all have healthy, chubby little babies in September, and maybe I will speak to you all again soon, as My boyfriend and I will try again for a baby as soon as I can.

6/5/07

Hello there ladies, thank you for all of your prayers, as they have helped me and my family to stay strong through this process.My little one passed on friday, still inside me, so the only places he ever knew were my womb and heaven.I enjoyed every kick and jab up until they knocked me out. It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, but the doctor who performed the proceedure confirmed the severity of the dysplasia, and that my son wouldn't have made it. I am recovering just fine, and got to feel a little preview of labor during the second half of my proceedure. I would have taken the labor without any meds if it promised a healthy living baby instead of what I had to do, but that was all in God's hands.My boyfriend has been wonderful, proving that there are still awesome guys out there, and how blessed I am to have one that loves me so much. He took great care of me, did all the laundry, grocerie shopping, and cooking over the weekend.We both have greived and are now trying to get back into a normal rhythm.I think that I am going to try to get pregnant again before the end of this year.I have been told by many doctors that this malformity only has a 5% chance of occurring again, and there are not many documented cases of campomelic dysplasia in siblings. My mother said that I will probably have twins next time!!Overall, this was a horrible thing, but I have had the best support from my boyfriend, my family and from the prayers of others. Thank you all again so much, and if anyone has any questions, or just want to keep in touch, send me an email.

7/7/07

He proposed!!! Yeah!!!

7/12/07

Here is a poem that kind of explains the way I feel....

What Makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby is not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
with all the other children and say.

"We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's were I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear.
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
until your lesson's through.
and on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start

Though some on Earth may not realise,
you are a Mother
until their time is done.
they'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

Written by: Jennifer Wasik in memory of Zachery Thomas Wasik

7/24/07

Chris and I are gonna try again soon, as I just finally got AF back last week. I still cry almost every day, and wish that I was still in the 'preggo mommy club' with all you girls. My parents say that I should wait at least another year to try again, but I am 24, and my fiance is 30, and we are adults and we will do as we see fit. I feel like my parents think that what happened to the baby was 'for the best', as they do not think that Chris is good enough for me. Its like they were hoping something would happen. They just make me mad sometimes. I feel like even though I don't always make the best choices, when I do succeed it is never good enough.

7/27/07

I am ovulating this weekend, and BD'd already last night, and will continue this weekend. Keep your fingers/toes/eyes/everything crossed for us!!, also, we have decided that since he proposed on 7/7/07, we will get married 8/8/08. That will give us enough time to get a few things straightened out before we tie the knot. It has been a hard, dark road through my grief, and I am still on that path, but now at least I can see a hint of light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you to everyone again who has prayed for us. In reference to the earlier post on 7/24, I just want everyone to live their lives for themselves, and do not try to please everyone else, because you will never be able to. Do what you feel is right in your heart, because only you have to live with the consequences of your choices.

BE WHO YOU ARE AND SAY WHAT YOU FEEL,

BECAUSE THOSE WHO MIND DON'T MATTER,

AND THOSE WHO MATTER WON'T MIND.

Luck, Love and Baby Dust to all!!!

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart,

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone,

This world was worthy not of me,
God chose that I move on,

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”

But that won’t soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips and
Then you’ll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was”… An Angel Never Dies

8/14/07

Well, AF is officially one day late and counting!! I am so excited, I can't wait to get off work and go buy a test!!! I wrote down every day that we BD'd, and have just looked at my 'ovulation calendar' and saw that I was supposed to start yesterday!!! Pray for me and keep your fingers crossed!!

8/15/07

I was so excited that when I got home, I ran into the bathroom and tested, not even thinking about the fact that I had just chugged a huge bottle of water right before I left work. The test was negative, but I am not discouraged, due to the fact that AF still has not appeared, and I'm not having the usual warning signs of bloating or cramping. I will wait a few days and pray that AF dosen't show, and test first thing in the morning, when the hormone is most present. I got so sad when the test was neg... I had worked my self up about possibly being with child again and didn't think about how I would feel if it was negative. I tell you one thing, if this is not my month, we are just going to go back to the old fashion way of 'just do it,' and hope that works. It did the first time! I can't concentrate so much hope on trying to get pregnant without feeling the immense dissapointment when the test is negative. That is where my previous loss has left me. Anyway, keep your fingers crossed, and I will keep you all posted!!!

8/17/07

Today it has been 11 weeks since my son was born with wings. I still think of him every moment, and miss the bond that we had for 5 1/2 short months. For those who are wondering, AF still hasn't showed, and I will test again this weekend, and post the results on Monday. Here is some poetry that was on the pamphlet they gave me after my proceedure was done, they have touched and helped me to deal... hopefully, if anyone else is dealing with a loss, this will help them as well...

Footprints

by Dorothy Ferguson

How very softly

you tiptoed into my world.

Almost silently, only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

your footsteps have left

upon my heart

If Tears Could Build...

Author Unknown

If tears could build a stairway,

and memories were a lane,

I would walk right up to Heaven

To bring you home again.

No farewells were spoken,

No time for goodbye,

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knows why.

My heart still aches in sadness,

And secret tears will flow,

What it meant to love you,

No one will ever know.

But now I know you want me

to mourn for you no more:

To remember all the happy times ,

Life still has in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,

I pledge to you this day-

A hollowed place within my heart

is where you'll always stay.

8/21/07

Well, this was not my month, as AF finally showed up this weekend, in a rage, and causing me so much pain that I took off work yesterday just to recoup. One good thing did come of it though, I now know that I have a 33 day cycle. That should help in the BD department! We shall try again. It still kills me to know that I should be 35 weeks right now, and so pregnant I can't move, but that is not the way it has turned out for me, and instead of Sept 19 being a day of emmense joy, it will be a day of mourning. I will mourn the loss of my little boy, and all of the dreams that I had for him... his first words, steps, day at school, etc... A friend who went through a similar situation told me that from now on my life is like a jigsaw puzzle that is missing a peice. The puzzle will never be complete, because the peice is gone forever. But over time, when the other peices fall in, it will be easier to see the whole picture, and how bueatiful it will be! So, we shall try again, and make many many more peices for the puzzle that is our life, and though none will ever replace my darling angel, I know that there are still more beautiful moments out there for me and my fiance.

8/31/07

Well, I am ovulating this weekend!!! We shall try! To all my ladies in week 37, hang in there, it is almost over. I will be taking off work on the 19th of Sept to go to the beach and let some ballons go and say a few words for my son. Maybe I will be pregnant too! We will just have to see won't we.

10/23/07

I have been doing okay, just working. AF showed up today as scheduled, and no baby yet! I have been taking it one day at a time, and we were trying at first to get pregnant again, but it broke my heart those first two months that I tested at home and the tests were negative. So I stopped testing, and hopefully it will happen on its own. I recently found out that both of my little brothers are pregnant and having girls in dec, and jan. It was very hard for me to be happy for them at first, but I am warming up to the idea, and no matter what, even though he may not be on this earth, I had the first grandson. Even if he is an angel. He is still a part of the family, and I even feel him with me from time to time. We went to the beach on 9/19, which was Chris Jr's EDD. We let go of some balloons to honor his short life, and to tell him that we will never forget him, and loved him and wanted him more than anything, but his place was in heaven, until we could be with him. I also read a peom that I wrote for him. I will post it later. (it's still too emotional for me) To all my new mamas: Take care of those babies, and never take even a second for granted, because it could all be gone in the blink of an eye. Cherish every moment, and when those sleepless nights and crying little ones get you at your last nerve, think of it this way: at least you got to bring a healthy baby home. It could have been a lot worse. Take care of yourselves, and your little ones!!

11/14/07

Hey there, sorry no post for so long, I have been sooo busy with work. I think I may have conceived again this month, but my fiance and I b'd last night and I started bleeding while b'ding. I hope it is just a fluke and not a miscarraige, I am not due to start my AF until 11/25. Anyone know anything about this? Leave me a message if you do. Im freaking out is all, hoping that our little 'play time' didn't cause me to miscarry before I even knew I was pregnant. I don't know, I am so lost still. Here is a poem that helps me......

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another
step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and
not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as
much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they
think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

12/1/07

Here is the Poem that I wrote for my son on his due date...

A Note to an Angel...

We were surprised when we found out you were coming,

but happy and excited all the same.

Mommy and Daddy felt thta you were going to be a boy,

and had already picked out your name.

Then the doctor told us the horrible news that day,

from that point on our lives were changed.

We were going to lose you before you were born no matter what we do or say,

we would rather hurt every day that to have you feel any pain.

So we chose to let you go early, and sent you to Heaven up above,

And although Mommy cried for weeks,

We knew we had made our decision purely out of love,

it was the best choice but it was hard for us.

Now time is going by and our lives are falling back into place,

I still think about you every day

And wish we could have held you and seen your precious face.

I know we will somehow, someway.

I pray that God tells you about us and our infinite love during your short life,

I feel your presence with us from time to time

And I know you gave your Daddy strength to ask Mommy to be his wife.

You were the greatest blessing we ever had.

Now I just want to tell you that Mommy and Daddy miss you so much,

Although all the dreams we had for you are gone.

But we honor your breif existence every time we embrace or touch,

You made our love for eachother indestructable.

You would be joining us right about now,

but I know you're in Heaven smiling down

Andy yes, we will see you one day

And Mommy already knows what she will say:

"I loved you and wanted you more than anything , but we had to let you go on your way,

Please forgive me."

It took me a week to write this, I would start crying and not be able to pick it back up for a while. If you notice, the 4th line where the doc tells us the bad news, I flipped the rhyme scheme to symbolize how our lives were flipped upside down. I didn't even notice I had done it untill after I was finished and read the whole thing. I guess my subconcious took over and I just left it that way. I read this aloud to my son at the beach, and then sent him some ballons on his due date. I can't beleive its been almost three months already. I am now a week late on my period as well. I took (2) tests, but they were both negative. They were cheap store-brand tests, and I think that it may be too soon and the hormone is not prevelant enough in my system. We shall see!!! If I am pregnant, the baby would be due right around the time I'm planning on getting married 8/8/08. I might be a full term bride! ha ha!. At least we'll be married before the baby is born. I will keep you all posted, I am planning to take another test on monday. I will post the results then!!!

12/3/07

I didn' t test again yet...Don't want another negative result. I think I will end up waiting until Friday. Just to be sure. I will keep you all posted!!

12/7/07

Well, Aunt Flow showed up last night. :(. I was so ready to test today. I should know better by now than to get my hopes up like this. Maybe it is for the best. I don't know. All I can say is maybe next month......

12/20/07

Well, Still hanging in there! Work has been sooo busy, and my little brother just had his little girl. I know that God will give us a baby when we are ready, so all I have to do is spend every day trying to make a better tomorrow! Happy Holidays to everyone!!

12/28/07

Hello all, Did everyone have a merry christmas (or non-denominational winter holiday) ? I did. Unfortunatly, my little boy was not with me to share the holiday season. I still have no signs of being pregnant. I figure the day I stop thinking about trying to get pregnant, I will get pregnant. So I have to try to stop thinking about it!! (yeah, thats easy) I got to see a lot of family, and ate a whole bunch of food, and even drank a beer (I don't drink)! Hope everyone's holiday was a good one, and I will keep you all posted!!

1/21/08

Hello everyone, sorry no posts in so long, I've been a busy girl, working hard and hardly playing. I woke this morning to some pink spotting, very light, and only 6 days past ovulation!! I am hoping that it is implantation bleeding, as I am not due to start again until the 7th of Feb. OH GOD PLEASE LET THIS BE MY BABY!!!! I will keep you all posted, too early to tell right now, but I will buy a test this weekend!!! Pray for us!

3/6/08

Sorry no post in so long... after being let down again ( no baby yet ) and having to hear about my lil brother's both having their little girls without any issues kept me away from this site. I am so happy for all of you who had their little ones around the time my son was due, and I so cherish the friendships that we built her complaining of pains and asking questions about what we were feeling. How naive I was in those days.... We are still trying, and the plans for the wedding are to have a small ceremony on the beach during sunset, then a small reception at my parent's home. I will just be happy to say I do, and be bound to my husband for life (or until I get tired of him; just kidding!) Then Maybe God will give us a baby. I cannot beleive it has been 9 months since I lost my baby boy. I have completely returned to pre-pregnancy weight, and everything has gone back to the way it was...except for the desire to be a mother. That is the strongest feeling that I have ever had.

4/8/08

Well, another month gone, and no baby yet. I just ovulated this weekend, and now I am bleeding a very brown blood, and when I inserted a tampon, it HURT. Could this be implantation bleeding? I hope nothing is wrong, I am going to call and make an obgyn appointment today. I just hope nothing is wrong, and that the doctor that performed my 'proceedure' didn't damage anything while I was unconcious. We shall see. I really hope I am pregnant again. I want my little angel so bad that it hurts. Thanks to all for your support and comments. They help me more than you will ever know.