Journal June 19, 2007 - Let me get ya'll caught up. On June 4, I found out I was pregnant. Right after that, I applied for Medicaid. The next day, I went to WIC. Women, Infants, and Children is an organization for single moms that need assistance in buying food. It is through the USDA. Anyway, I got on that and I told the dad the same day. You can read the above story for his reaction. Well, ever since that day, it has been hell. I throw up lemonade and keep down food. It is so weird. Since I am doing this by myself, I am having to keep this journal. It helps me get everything out that I need to get out. June 22, 2007- Well, last night, I got the acceptance letter for Medicaid. I am officially on Medicaid until 2 months after I have Baby Bird. So, now, I am fully financially covered. I live in an RV, so I will have to sell it and buy a single wide for now. When I am more financially settled, I want to buy a house. So, I was looking at houses the other day...and maybe I'm cheap, but they all seem too high and I don't know...I just need to pick a damn house. I feel really great today. I did not get sick much. I'm starting to wonder if I'm really pregnant, despite what three damn tests said. LOL... June 26, 2007- Today, I went to the docs. My mom and Mariann (a friend from work) went with me. They got to hear the heartbeat. I got to hear the heartbeat!!! It was so awesome. His/Her heartbeat was around 160. I am so happy!! The next time I go to the doctors is August 7 at 1:00. At that appointment, we get to know the sex of the baby...it's my first ultrasound. I am so excited. I am so happy. He did say I have a little bladder infection, but other than that...I'm really healthy. Hot diggity!! He even said that I could probably have this child naturally-no C-section. Hot dog...no C-section. Yes!!! I forgot to mention that on Saturday, Daisey-my beloved dog- broke her leg on Saturday. After I got her to the vet, the instruction was to put a pin in her leg. So, after they did that on Monday, she was ready to come home today. So, I picked up Daisey and she is great. She has a cast and will have a cast for another 6 weeks. They told me that it will be taken off in 6 weeks. Yeah..about the same time as my next doctors appointment. Anyway, that is the news for today. Will write more later. June 29, 2007- This week has been a good week. On Tuesday, I got to hear the heartbeat and it was awesome. They didn't do an ultrasound. They will do it in 6 weeks. Anyway, I went to the hospital today. It was absolutely nothing. It was just varicose veins I guess, but they are huge and all over my thighs. I thought they were bruises. It scared me, but I knew it wasn't too serious. Just some circulation problems is what I thought. Turns out they were just those veins. I don't have a clue what those veins are, but no one seemed too worried about them, so I guess it was nothing. They did blood work and a UA on me. Everything seemed normal. So, they just sent me home. I was not too thrilled with the doc; he didn't cover all the bases like I would have, but whatever...He didn't check the baby at all and did not do an ultrasound. Like I said, what do I know?? I'm no doctor. Anyway, I'm fine. We'll see... July 1, 2007- Well, last night at work, someone spilled some coke. Anyway, guess who got to be the lucky one to slip and fall on it??... Yep, you guessed it. Slammed on my right hip and I hurt like hell. I wasn't watching where I was walking and *BAM* I was on the ground in 5 seconds. I had to fill out an accident report and had to go to the ER. AGAIN!! Thank God my mom and dad were there. So, it was the same doc as last night and he was so thrilled to see me. LOL They didn't check anything because of the baby. Just sent me home with a pain prescription. So, today, I am so damn sore, but nothing else. I mean, I guess I am ok. I don't want to go to work today, but I guess I will. I need that money I am so fond of. July 11, 2007- Sorry it has been so long since I've posted. I've been getting MySpace emails from people in my past, telling me that it is stupid to have a site like this. I am "gaining sympathy" from it. Let me tell you guys one thing. That is not the reason this site is up. It is for my sanity. I have been dealing with a lot and I don't tell you guys all of it, now, because of these ignorant people who think they know everything. I am feeling terrible today. I am just so tired and...UGH. I have to go to the neurologist on the 20th. I hope that appointment goes well. Then, they resheduled my US to July 30th and I am jumping for joy!! I can't wait until that day. I want to see my baby so bad!! Other than that, everything is going great! Work is awesome and I just love it. My boss is being better about everything. I'm still looking for a new job, just because I don't want to be in retail forever. I hope everyone is doing great! I am thinking of all of you!! Love ya! July 20, 2007- Well, today I have to go to a neurologist. Since I have had seizures inthe past, my doctor wants to make sure I am ok, neurologically, to have a baby. Then, on the 30th, I have the first u/s. We hopefully get to know the sex of the baby. I have to work right after the appointment today. Then, tonight, I am going to my mom and dad's. My sister got back from Sweden on Wednesday. She is excited about Baby Bird. Surprisingly enough, she was positive about the situation. So, tomorrow, we are going to have a bar-b-que in honor of her homecoming. That will be the first time I'll see my brother since I've told him about "Baby Jamey" he likes to call it. LOL...My brother, who's name is Jamey, is a freak. So, yes, I'll be excited!! I hope ya'll are doing fine! I love you all. July 23, 2007- I cannot believe how tired I always am. It's disgusting. I'm never this tired, but now....UGH. All the time, I just want to sleep. I have not gone to the doctor, yet. I am waiting for the 30th to come and it couldn't come any slower!! I just can't wait. My hip has been really bothering me. It'll start hurting for no apparent reason all of a sudden. I hope I didn't do any REAL damage to it in the fall. They didn't check it because of the baby, but maybe they should have. I get really sharp pains in the hip and pelvis. UGH...I hope it's nothing. Anyway, that is all the news I have. I will keep ya'll updated. Good luck this week, ladies! July 29, 2007- Tomorrow is the big day andI couldn't be happier. Yay!! It is the day that I get my first ultrasound. I'm am really scared, excited, and worried all at the same time. One of my co-workers is due 4 days after me. Well, she got her ultrasound done on Friday. It made me so excited!! It wasn't even my kid and I was bouncing off the walls because of her picture!! I couldn't be more thrilled. So what if I am doing this by myself-I'm gonna be a mom!!!!!!!!! I can't wait until tomorrow. Also, I closed on a house last week. It is a 16 x 80 trailer house; three bedroom, two bathroom. I bought it two hours away from my house and they are moving it next week. Everything is coming together. I am so happy. Took a while for me to get this way, but it was worth the wait and all the pain I have gone through!! July 30, 2007- I got to see the baby today. It was so awesome!! We could not get a profile of her/him, but what we got was awesome!! I went with my whole family. The ultrasound tech said she was not 100% sure, but she thinks it's a girl. I am really excited, now. Anyway, here are some pics of her. August 28, 2007- I am so sorry it has been so long since I've been on. I've had a lot of things going on. I lost my job last week and yeah...it's bad!! Then, I had my heartbroken. I am totally devastated. I just want to die. To put it simply, I was in love with a guy. One of my friends is now dating him. Yep, you head me. A guy that I liked a friend went after. Kill me kill me kill me!! Anyway, baby is doing fine. It's a girl...I think I told you. I am going to name is Makenzie Marie. A lot of people don't like that name, but is it their kid?? Negative!! Anyway, things are great otherwise. Just been having a hard time. I love you all!! August 29, 2007- A lot has been going on in my life right now. My baby girl is doing awesome. Kicking the shit outta me. I have grown to love the fact that I'm going to be a momma. I thought my life was over at first, but now that I am 5 months along and I've seen her little face on that ultrasound screen, I couldn't be more thrilled. Then, about a week and a half ago, I got fired from Sam's Club. I devoted my life to Sam's Club and they had to fire me. I worked overtime for them. I knew my job. I was good. Then, they let me go. And for what?? For some boy who was supposed to mean nothing. Even though this boy means the world to me, it was a bogus charge against me. When I was fired for what we "did", the boy was not even talked to about it. Then, it was said that I cussed out the GM of Sam's. For those of you that know me and know me well, you know that I would never jeopardize a job by cussing at any form of manager, especially the highest of the totem pole. I am not that stupid, regardless of my past actions. So, now, I am looking for a job, which isn't a bad search. I just hate doing it. I got on unemployment and food stamps. I really hate the fact that I had to do that. I have never had to rely on other people for little things like food. I guess you gotta do what ya gotta do. Meanwhile, during this bullshit, I got my heart broken by the one guy that I let close in a long time. And of course…I am the one who fucked up whatever the fuck we had. This boy…for lack of a better name, we'll call him Yeso (which is kinda funny because that is mom and dad's dog's name), is really awesome. He is one of those beautiful people that would never look twice and a plain Jane like me. One of those guys in high school that I bet everyone had a crush on, but only the beautiful girls had a chance. Well, he looked twice at me; I fucked it up and…yeah. Here I am tonight at 2:00 in the freaking morning because I can't even sleep knowing that the relationship we had is unfixable. Fuck a damn fucking duck!! Yeso shouldn't matter right now, but he does for some stupid reason. He was there for a lot in the past few months and now…he has ceased coming over and ceased caring all because of my big mouth. Why can't I use my mouth for more good instead of always bad?? UGH…No nasty thoughts, ya'll. You wanna know the really sad part of the whole deal?? I am so fucking in love with that guy that it hurts. Funny, huh?? The one guy…that I want more than anything…I can't have because of stupid pride. I pushed Yeso away. I wouldn't let him care and I paid for it. I regret it, now, and I wish I could take things back, but I cannot. I'll never get his friendship back. Like I said, it shouldn't even matter right now. So, why does it weigh on my mind so much?? I had to go to the hospital the other day…for minor complications. Well, guess who was there the entire flipping time???!!!! Yep, you guessed it. Yeso… Now, he won't be there and knowing that fact hurts like hell. I'd like to think that I can make it better and that he'll slowly come back, but…If God did not want Yeso in my life…I guess this was the time to take him out, no matter how much it hurts. I'd like to think this was for the good, but right now I can't see it. I guess it's true when they say time heals all wounds. On a lighter note, I walked into Eastern New Mexico University-Roswell yesterday. It was the first time I have walked into a college in a year and half. After deciding that my life will be shit until I make something of myself, I decided to go to school. Now, I am an official student for the first time since spring of 2006. I am scared to death. This was a huge step for me to take, but I did it. And the only reason I did it…is because of the life I have growing inside of me. What kind of example am I if I give up after heartbreak and a lost job?? I have never been a quitter and I almost did so. What kind of example is that setting for my precious Makenzie Marie or Ireland Makenzie?? I promised myself a long time ago that I would be successful in whatever I decided to do and I plan on it. Like the song says, no matter how bad things get and how hopeless they seem life always gets better. So, I registered for CNA classes. I'm not sure if that was the best decision, but at least it's a start. I've got to move on from here, no more dwelling on things that I cannot fix. My first class is on Thursday night….so scared, but I know that I am smart and that I can do it if I just devote myself. So, now you are somewhat caught up on the bullshit that has been going on. Stupid shit, yes, but this'll make me stronger. September 3, 2007- I totally apologize for the cussing in this one and I'm sorry that I did so much of it. It'll never happen again. Ok. Over the last day, my life has gone to hell. How can people be so heartless?? I have a lot of friends at Sam's Club, ya know?? Well, a couple of them I consider my best friends because I know they won't stab me in the back. WRONG!!! The one guy who I never thought was like any other guy ripped the insides right out of me and now I can't feel anything at all. The other girl involved was my friend. I took her to the movies, took her out to eat, called her, talked to her about guys...the whole 9 yards. I like this guy at Sam's more than anyone can imagine. For his safety (don't know why), I'll call him Michael. Anyway, Michael and I got really close over the last few months. The girl (we'll call her Claudia) knew that I have been in love with Michael for a long time. As stupid as it sounds, he is just awesome to me and has been there for everything. Well, last night, I found out that Claudia and Michael are now an item. I really don't care if Michael had a girlfriend, but why her?? She knew how I felt for him, she called me a friend, and she still went after him. Oh, and of course, they are both so low that they don't even give a shit that they ripped me apart!! I tried to fix Michael and I. The relationship was failing. Then, the day after I pour my heart out to him, he gets a girlfriend. But not just a girl, a girl that was supposed to be my friend. I am more mad at Claudia than I am at Michael. Because she knew how I felt. THERE IS A FUCKING RULE ABOUT THAT KINDA THING!!! I would never do that to her or anyone else. I'm a better person than that. Then, I am mad at Michael because he has led me on and led me on into letting me think that he actually cared for me. He wouldn't ever want to be with me, yet he just adored me. How in the fuck does that add up?? I really really hate this whole situation. I lost a great friend out of the whole fucking bullshit and I think what kills me the most is that it doesn't matter to him a bit?? Hell, I'm pregnant. I guess being pregnant means I have no feelings. I fucking am in love with Michael. He knows it and he does something like this. Then, Claudia knows that he was everything to me. Just because Michael is cute....she would always tell me. She doesn't know anything about him. When I was with her all the time, she always wanted me to give her his number. Now that I look back. Can we say FUCKED UP?????!!!! I totally wish there was something that I could do. I want Michael to be there. I want him to care, but you can't make a person care, can you?? All you can do is forget them and move on. I promise this!! No guy will EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER get close to me ever again!! You can take my word on that. I have no heart or feelings left. Michael and Claudia have crushed them all!! No matter how much I tried, it just wasn't good enough for Michael. I would have done anything for him and now he is........................gone and will never come back. God, I fucking hate that!!

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