June 26 2008

So Emma is officially 4 weeks old...weird since she wont be 1 month until Sunday June 29th. She still hasnt gained her birthweight back and she is still in preemie cloths. She isnt even a preemie! Overall she is 100% healthy. She can hold her head up for a little bit, she eats like a little piggy and she has a very distinctive personality already. My aunt and cousin are coming up today to see her for the first time. They live in Virginia and my aunt works for the government and my uncle works for the Pentagon...needless to say its hard for them to get away! haha. My cousin Aarycka is coming up as well. She is preggo and due in August...I hope its a girl. She already has Ryan whos like 3 and Dom who is turning 1 next month. So we get to see them tomorrow.

Birth: 6lbs 15oz 18 1/2 Inches

3 days old: 6lbs

4 days old: 6lbs 4oz

1 Week: 6lbs 6oz

2 Weeks: 6lbs 8oz

3 Weeks: 6lbs 10oz 19 1/4 Inches

Emma's Birth Story

I woke up Thursday morning...I was sore but not to sore. Just part of the whole process of preping for labor. Mike had to be at work by 10am so I called my father to drop him off and we went to my Grams for lunch. I was getting fairly achy by 12 and just wrote it off as normal pregnancy aches and pains...after all I was 39 weeks pregnant and a week away from my due date. So I waited for my father to finish fixing the tractor and talked to my Gram a bit. She says I bet you have her today or tomorrow. When I asked her why she said because I seemed more tierd and relaxed today. I thought she was nuts. Why would I be relaxed if I was going to give birth in the next 24 hours?

Anyways...My father dropped me off at home around 1 and I was having these little cramps in my belly. I asked my mom what she thought and she didnt know because she never had labor pains. She told me to just wait it out and see what happend. I started timing them and they were 10 minutes apart while she was getting ready for work. We talked about maybe having me ride to work with her again to see what was going on. But I had been twice...Sunday and the sunday before. I was only 1 cm then and hadnt progressed in 2 weeks so we decided to wait and see what happened. My mother left for work around 5 and my brother was home. Not a half hour went by when they started to get bad. Me and David were playing World Of Warcraft and he timed them for me. I talked to my mom on the phone and she had no clue what to do. So she called my cousin and she said to go in and I better have this baby before midnight because Jennas birthday was the next day. I decided to wait a bit longer. By the time 6 rolled around they were 3-5 minutes apart and my brother told me to just go to the damn hospital. He thought that if I wasnt in labor somthing was deffinately wrong because I was barely talking through them and he knows I usually handle pain very well. Poor kids only 16 and was probly scared to death lol. So I called Mike at work and asked him what to do. He told me to go. My cousin called and talked to me for a while to distract me. My mother barely got into the parking lot at work when my cousin called her. So she drove the whole 45+minutes home going about 90mph. My uncle went and got Mike and brought him to the house.

We got to the hospital around 8 and I was in agony. They hooked me up to the monitors and the contractions wernt showing up. She said so and that I probably wasnt in labor and they were probably going to send me home. They gave me a button to push to try and get how frequent the contractions were...like I was thinking about pressing a button. I think she could have looked at me and figured out when I was having one. Anyway she said they wernt consistant enough. They should be every 5 minutes not 5 1/2 then 4 than 5 mins apart. She checked me and I was 2cm and Emma was head down and in a perfect position. She decided to leave me hooked up just for the hell of it while she drew up my discharge papers.

When she came back about 15 minutes later she noticed I had had a couple good ones and said Ill check you and then let you go. She checked and I was at 4cm and she felt somthing that felt differnt to her. So she got the charge nurse, whom is the coolest woman I know and she checked me. I knew somthing was up because she looked at me like she felt so horribly bad for me. Well I thought somthing bad had happened to Emma. She left the room with my Mom and Mike.

When Mike came back he told me I was staying. He tried to help me through the pain and said "baby just think shes almost here...they can feel her little foot". That was like getting hit in the face with a brick and I started bawling. He didnt understand what that meant. He just thought that meant she was almost here. He kept asking me whats wrong...thats good they can feel her coming out right...and I had to tell him no thats bad. If her foot is hanging out of my uterus than I have to have a c section. Ive never seen his face go that white. He's known that my biggest fear in the world is having surgery. The thought of it scares the shit out of me.

Within a half hour they had called my doctor, preped me and had me strapped on the OR table. They took me into the OR. All I wanted was Mike but he couldnt come in yet. Everyone was in this huge hurry before I dialated anymore. I was terrified, surrounded by surgical knives and needles and all I wanted was Mike to hold me. Well luckly my nurse came with me. They only allowed it because she worked shifts in the OR at times and she was trained to be there. The epidural wasnt to bad. The anethiseologist was a nice guy and was talking to me and making jokes. The spinal took effect so quick and they put a drape up and let Mike in. He kept saying Im sorry...youll be ok over and over and he was petting my head...I was half ready to fall asleep by then.

Within 5 minutes of cutting me open Emma was out. She didnt scream or cry...sounded more like a little laugh. She was just making little baby noises. We asked how much they thought she weighed and they guessed no more than 6lbs. Mike went with her to the nursery and they put me back together. They said it would take only 15 or 20 minutes but it took a half hour or more like an hour. After they undraped me and put me back in the hospital bed the doctor told me I had a bad ovary and thats what he was looking over. He told me I had to have an ultrasound the second I thought I might be pregnant again and that I have a 75% chance of tubal pregnacy and conceiving again is possible but it might be rough...or the one ovary that was good could end up doing all the work and I would have no problems. Basically if I try again I have to be prepared emotionally to deal with a possible abortion.

I was in recovery for about a half hour and they brought me to my room. I was the first one to hold my baby...other than the nurses of course. My mother and Mike refused to hold her as did the rest of my family. They didnt want to hold her until I had held her. She was so small. My cousin had a hard time not holding her for the hour or so I was in the OR still. Mike was in a panic thinking somthing had gone wrong. But when I got in the room he was better. After I held her I handed her to him and it was like she was a peice of glass...he was so afraid of breaking her. After everyone left they told us she weight 6lbs 15oz and was just 18 1/2 inches long...earning her the nickname Penut by the hospital staff.

EMMA ROSE MANCINI....

Mommys Gemini baby is due June 5th 2008!

Today we saw
Our first glimpse of You.
A little piece of heaven
Our dream come true.
The day we will meet
Seems so far away.
But until you're ready
In my womb safely stay.
Our gift from Angels
Sent from above
For us to cherish
And forever to love.

My name is Kristin. I live in St.Albans Maine...Ive lived here my whole life with the exception of the summer I spent in Massachusetts. My fiancee's name is Michael. He is from Massachusetts...He is adopted and we are expecting our first baby in June. Her name is Emma Rose Mancini. Mike is 26 and I am 18. People talk about age like it matters but it dosnt. We have been together for a year almost and we have an amazing relationship. We barely notice the age gap. I met him when I was 17 and I moved to Mass with him for the summer and we moved back here when I turned 18 because...well Mass sucks. There are to many pedophiles and its WAY to expensive and there are no jobs. Mike has a Bachelor Degree in Criminal Justice. I am joining the Army after our baby girl arrives. We like the Red Sox and Patriots and we both love beer...on occasion.

PREGNANCY SURVEY!

-About the mommy!

Name: Kristin

Age: 18

First child?: Yes

-About the daddy!

Name: Mike

Age: 26

First child?: Yes

-Finding out!

What day did u find out?: October 6th

How did u feel when u found out?: Happy and very shocked

Who was with u?: No one. I waited until Mike went to work

Who was the first peson u told?: Mike

How did they react?: (Other than Mike) Mike's best freind Chris. He said he knew it.

How did the daddy react?: He was kind of shocked

-Telling the grandparents!

How did ur parents react?: They were pissed and now my mothers exited

How did his parents react?: They pretend neither of us exist and they are pissed about the baby

Are they helping with baby names?: Nope

Have they bought anything for the baby yet?: My parents have. His have never even asked about her

How often do they call to check on u?: I see my mom all the time since we live together and I see my Dad every day. We havnt seen his parents since last summer and they never call so....

-About the pregnancy!

When was ur first appointment?: New Years Eve

When is ur due date?: June 5th

How far along r u?: 36 weeks 1Day

Pre-pregnancy weight?: 185lbs

Weight now?: 199lbs

Have u had an unltrasound?: Yes..I've had a couple

Have u heard the heartbeat?: Many times

What was the heartbeat?: 150's usually

-Sex of the baby!

What do u want?: It dosnt matter. Was kinda hoping to get both lol. I was hoping for twins

What does the daddy want?: He wants both too

What do u think u r having?: I thought it was a boy

Have u had ur big ultrasound yet?: Yup...they said boy and then we had 2 more and the baby is a girl

If so, what r u having?: Girl

Are u happy with what u r having?: Yes. :)

-About the birth!

Do u know what u r taking with u?: Yep

Who is going to be with u?: Just Mike

Are u going to videotape it?: Im going to try but my ex best freind stole my camera

Natural or medicated?: Natural

Do u think u will need a c-section?: I hope not

Will u cry with u hold ur baby for the first time?: Probably not. I'm kinda laid back about being exited lol

Do u know what u will say to the baby when u first hold him/her?: Love you Emma

Are u scared about the labor?: No

-Names!

Do u have a name picked out?: Yep

Girl names...: Emma Rose

Boy names...: Michael Joseph Jr

Is ur baby going to be named after someone? Emma after my great grandma and Rose after my aunt...Boy was gonna be named after Daddy

-Other random questions!!

Where was ur baby conceived?: Mike's freind Jay's house

Have you felt the baby move?: Everyday

What race will your baby have? White

Do you have stretch marks?: I have them worse than anyone Ive ever seen. Theyre horrible lol

What was your first symptom?: I was really tierd and puking everywhere

What religion will the baby know? And from what side?: Catholic...Daddy went to a Catholic school and my family is from Italy so....

Will ur baby have godparents?: Yes

Who will the god mommy be?: It's still undecided

Who will the god daddy be?: Probally Mike's freind Chris

What is the baby's room theme?: She's sharing a room with Mommy and Daddy until we get our place and then it will be Pooh Bear...our room is Pooh now though for her

What was the first thing u bought for the baby?: Me and my Mom bought her a Tigger from me and a pooh from her

Are u ready to be a mommy?: Can't wait :)

12/30/07

WE FIND OUT THE SEX TOMORROW!!!!!! It has to be a boy. Because I have NEVER been as much of a pig as I have been lately. And I had a mega craving for shrimp the other day. I hate seafood...espeshially shrimp. I drew the line when I started craving Calamarie. That is NASTY. Thats why I think its a boy who is the carbon copy spawn of Daddy. Daddy loves food...espeshially seafood. He is the only person in the world who eats calamarie like candy

12/31/07

We didnt find out the sex. She kept moving around. Everytime the u/s tech went to sneak a peak at the goods she flipped upside down and showed off her bum. :) Frusterating yet adorable. She finally fell asleep twards the end I think because she wasnt doing sumersaults and flips anymore. She was just sucking her little thumb and she got the hiccups. It was cute. You could see her little belly moving every time she hiccuped. Anyway when she FINALLY calmed down after 45 minutes she crossed her legs so I guess we gotta go with Mommys instinct....I think she is a boy but I just know she'll end up a girl lol.

I got to hear his heartbeat twice...once at the OB office and once at the radiology department. It was so loud and completely amazing. I cant believe Mike and I created this little life. She is so perfect. Her heartbeat was at 150 at the OB office and 160 at the u/s. IM 17 WEEKS 4 DAYS. I cant wait to hold her in my arms. She is SOOO tiny right now. So adorable. I am completely in love :) My little angel is so amazing.

Its hard to believe in April of this year I had never had a man in my life. I hadnt been with anyone since I was molested through childhood and I couldnt imagine having sex or kissing anyone. Then I met Mike...so loving and careing and determined to have me in his life...waiting until I was ready...teaching me how to be with somone in a loving and caring and consentual way. And it was so amazing and so beautiful when he looked me in the eyes and said "I love you Kristin. You are so beautiful and I want to spend my life with you".

Since then I have been almost whole again...getting over the past....this little angel has let me be completely whole again...with a soon to be husband and a beautiful baby on the way. Where I once thought the military was the only way to live life...it is nothing to me now. I can not think of anything better than being a wife and a mommy.

I may only be 18 years old but I have lived a life time. I have been abused, neglected and used by my family at times....my uncle took my innocence at age 11 even before I understood anything in this world beyond being a kid. My childhood ended at 11. Since then I have been forced to see the world through the eyes of an adult...someone who has seen to much too soon in life and not allowed to see the world through the eyes of a little girl....this baby has made all of that seem a nessisary evil...To survive being raped for 4 long years and still be able to love and understand...to forgive and forget...to completely give my heart body and soul to a man and create this little being inside of me. I have forgiven my uncle...in fact we are closer now than ever...I will never trust him to be alone with my child but I have forgiven and forgotten. I still love him and he is still one of the people I am closest to. He was never violent towards me and that has allowed me to see past this.

This child has allowed me to move on...to forgive everyone who ever mistreated me....everything happens for a reason. This little angel has come to me at a very young age to most but I am ready and I am in love with her already. I cant wait to hold her in my arms...teach her to throw a ball...skate forward and backwards....and to be able to love and treat people the right way...to not laugh at those who are differnt. I cant wait to see her grow and watch her with her Daddy.

To my baby...weather you are a boy or a girl...weather you turn out to be our little Michael or our princsess Emma...you will be loved unconditionally weather or not you are honor roll or straight F's...weather you are a model, athlete or just your average everyday person. No matter how old you get you will always be our little miracle. While we will have more babies YOU are our first. We will love every one of our kids the same but you will always be the first...thats your special place...I know Daddy is missing alot right now. Mass is so far away yet so close. Maine is lonly without him and while you will not remember this you will ask one day where Daddy was when you were inside me. Your Daddy is working SO hard to make life better for us...He keeps falling and stumbling but he will make it through for US. He loves you with all of his heart. He is scared that he will not be everything you need. I know he feels like he is failing...but he isnt. He created you...WE created you out of love and passion. In his eyes he is failing you by not providing....by not having enough money or our own place. We are here because Daddy felt that my parents could support us better right now. Daddy may be in the military soon...just for us...to give us a fighting chance as a family. He has messed up in life. A lot of people have hurt him...he survived because he was meant to be here for us...to be my husband and your Daddy. God saved him for you. The OUI was Gods way of waking him up so he did not kill himself out of sadness before we came to him. He loves you. I love you. No matter what you do...weather your life is short lived or you die at 100 we will always be here...in your heart and mind. You have given us that last piece of the puzzle....the last bit of joy we were seeking in each other. Mommy and Daddy love you angel. I cant wait to hold you in my arms :)

01/01/08

I cant believe its 2008 already! Last year was DEFF one of the best years of my life. I graduated high school as a junior so if I hadnt I'd still be in high school and my life would be SOOO differnt. I wouldnt have Mike or this baby in my belly. Its hard to imagine life without either of them lol. 2007 was crazy...I put high school behind me, met the man of my dreams, turned 18 and now my little angel is on the way. IM GONNA BE A MOMMY THIS YEAR!!! That is sooo cool and kind of overwhelming when I think about it. This Xmas I get to buy for my little girl and hopefully my fiancee will be my husband legally...even though he already is in our minds :) This year I get a 4 month old for my birthday and to enjoy Halloween with. Mike finally has a kid of his own...not an ex gf's kid he takes care of! He is exited that this baby is actually his. So...Emma's Daddy might go into the Army or Air Force....AHHHH lol. I remember last year....I was going into the Marine Corps and the Army was Weekend Warriors and the Air Force were Zooms lol...Navy was the Squids lol. Now I might be a Air Force or Army wife lol. Weird. My hubby has said he was absolutly not going into the military but now he might just to take care of me and baby Emma :) We get our own place and MONEY lol. No more roommates who steal money and leave us with the rent! Finally our life is going to go somewhere.

Hopefully 2008 will start of better for the love of my life than it did last year...getting dumped and loosing the child he took care of for over 2 years just before his birthday...spending Valentines Day alone in the hospital because he thought he had lost everything and tired to end it....its hard to believe this time last year this wonderful man in my life was so sad and hurting...that his ex could just up and leave and take her daughter with no warning. Now a year later he is happy for the most part...not with the money situation but everything else in his life is almost perfect. I love him so much and he has come so far since she left him shattered and broken. The OUI will be gone for good this year...no trace that it ever happened. THANK GOD! lol.

June 5 2008 our baby will be here!!!! I cant wait to hold my angel...when she isnt so alien looking anymore but still my little baby. I love you baby....I cant wait for you to be here!

01/02/08

We finally picked a name for our little angel. Our little girl will be Emma Rose. Mike finally decided. We had the WORST conversation last night. Im still pritty upset about it. Mike thought we should put her up for adoption. I said over my dead body. He is so scared we cant take care of her. Mike is SO bad off finacially it isnt even believable. I cant believe 2 people can do THAT much damage to one person in only 3 months. He has absolutly nothing. But thank god I convinced him my Dad would help. I mean my father wont let his grandchild go without. Gee. Mikes parents taught him some pritty pshyco stuff....they told him he needs a $50,000+ a year job. I was like are you INSANE. People raise babies on less than that everyday. Damn. I was spoiled rotten and my parents didnt make that much. So anyway....he has to stay in Mass and try and get his life back together and I have to take care of the baby myself mostly. He feels SO guilty but he loves Emma so much. He was upset because he said that all he can give right now is love and nothing else. What kind of parents did he have if he thinks love isnt enough?? Id rather just get by and have my fiancee and daughter than have all the money we need and have somone else raise her. His parents should never have been able to adopt him at all. So for a while its just going to be me and Emma. Hopefully if Mike goes in the Air Force he will be able to fix what his so called freinds made a mess of. 6 months ago he never even owned a credit card and now he has $6000 in credit card debt. Its insane. All of it went twards helping his "freinds". Grrr I hate people like that. They have split us in half physically. Thank god we are still able to be together, if barely.

Anyways...the baby started kicking last night!!! Just a little but it was still cool. They said I might not really feel it but here and there for a little bit because she is still tiny but still...it was cool! I was talking to Mike and got a kick in the bladder haha.

I cant wait until she is here! Still like 5 months away though. The part of me that is still a kid is SOO impatient lol.

I start my job tomorrow and OMG I am scared to death lol. I have no clue what it is like to have a job thats not military or working for Daddy lol. I have to be the worst in the world with counting money. Im really good with managing my money but cashiering is differnt. Never done it but hopfully I dont mess it up to bad. Im used to jobs where I am actually doing stuff...like I worked construction with my Dad most of my life in the summer. I helped build every place we have lived in excpet the first one...they built that before I was born. Anyway WISH ME LUCK!

3:00pm

Ok so my OB just called me...they got the results of my u/s back and I have to go to a bigger hospital for a level 2 u/s. He said Emma has to much gas and I need to have all of her organs checked out because there might be somthing wrong with her. OMG I hope not! So yeah 2 days later and already we are having problems. Good thing the damn family practitoner FINALLY reffered me to an OB. Who has their 1st appointment at 4 months! It took them 4 months to referr me to an OB and you cant just make an OB appointment. My insurnace reqires a referral so I waited 4 fucking months and now little Emma is having problems. He said it might just be gas but he didnt sound to convinced. So anyway I go January 15th to a maternal-fetal medicine office at EMMC. Now Im freaked out because why would they send me to a hospital ranked #6 in the United States instead of across the road from my OB office?? Seems like maybe there is more to it. Maybe I'll find out the sex instead of my motherly instinct guess...My mom thinks if there is anything wrong with her I should get an abortion. IS SHE INSANE!!! God she can still live with medical problems. Yeah life will be tough for her but at least she will have a chance. Who am I to decide for him weather or not she will live or die??! If its THAT bad at least I'll get some time with my baby girl and she got her chance...its gas...can it really mean somthing that bad?????! I hope not. I dont know what I'll do if I loose my baby girl :( Pray for the little angel that its only gas.

1/3/08

So I worked 8am to 3 today...just orientation but DAMN am I tierd. I usually nap around noon but I was busy listening to boaring speeches lol. My bosses are awsome...Bob and guess what Mike lol and Kelly are my bosses and I told them about Mikey and they were totally cool with it. lol. My bosses are like little kids. So anyways I had nothing to worry about. I told them I was afraid they were gonna fire me and Bob was like get out. haha I thought he was serious but he was totally thrilled. He scared the shit outta me! But he gave me the 15th off no problem. I told him Id work either open until I had to leave (6am-1:30) or after until close around 10pm but he told me just take the day off. Which was cool. He was like I bet the last thing you want is to work when your worried about your baby. So anyways I guess I got lucky with the bosses. :)

We found a bunch of good stuff at the Goodwill for the baby. It was all brand new to...never even opened. I got the $40 baby bathtub for 99 cents! Oh yeah lol. We got a bunch of really cute onsies for $1 a piece. The white ones were 5 for $1 and it was all new so my baby gets lots of new cloths cuz I can afford cheap hehe. I do expensive to but I have to be supervised lol. Id spend everything I had if I had enough money. I love my baby girl and she deserves everything! lol. I got this white and blue bear...its REALLY soft and its a rattle too...it was $1 and a hippo in footsie pjs that talks for $1.50. I was exited. I get paid Jan. 18th and itll be like a $800 check. Im working 10am-9pm until the store opens Feb 3rd. Its a lot of hours but Bob said as long as my OB is still ok with that many hours than he's ok with it. :) He's cute to but dont tell my finacee haha. So Ill get LOTS of extra money. Its part time after that but he offered me $8.68 an hour so not bad for my 1st real job. IM GOING SHOPPING!!!! And hopefully I can go see Mike. Anyways hopefully Mike will pull his head out of his bubble ass and grow up. But I doubt it. Guess I'll just have to raise 2 kids. Im gettin so much baby stuff though. Im SO extited. My Grandpas fiancee gave me a free VERY expensive crib. And there is a really nice stroller at this second hand store for $25 so I might get that. Its new...never been used. The lady lost her baby and donated it. And there is also a cradle...like a real one for $35 but I dunno if I trust it. They rock and we have 2 German Shepards and 2 cats so....Im thinking no on that one. Anyways Im SOOOO tierd. I am deff showering and being very lazy this weekend before I work 5 11 hour shifts all week. :) Emmas starting to kick a little...just a poke here and there once in a while. I have to be really still for a while but she's kicking a little!!! It's so cool. :)

1/4/08

Ok so the WONDERFUL state of Maine has me listed as only completeing 10th grade. So they want me to go back to school and get a GED to keep my insurance. WHAT!!! I GRADUATED HS!!!! I just got outta there and they want me to go back and get a GED when I have a dipploma?? I earned the right to skip junior year and graduate and now they want me to go back because of a mistake in their computer?? We've corrected it 100 times and I still get stuff in the mail saying I need to enroll in a GED program or high school. Aghh. Whats even better is they have my brother who just turned 16 as owning a 97 Mustang and a 2001 Ponitac Sunfire AND a 2000 Pontiac Sunfire. Stupid people. My MOM has the mustang and 01 Sunfire. None of us have a 00 Sunfire. Her soon to be ex husband has one but he isnt in the paperwork. They said my insurance was working and I went to the doctors and it isnt. They SAY they are going to pay back until Nov. 31 but we will see.

So my Mom told her husband to get out and we went to file the papers for a divorce. He used her debit card and gambled all her money away and we had none for food or bills.

I also found out that I get my next u/s recorded on DVD :) Yay!

I saw my preschool teacher today haha. I havnt been there in like 14 years yet she remembers me lol. She is saying we cant move because she wants Emma to go to preschool at Jack In The Box...which is the school she owns and runs. I loved that place. I sat my baby blanky on fire there, stole the other kids cheese balls, and hogged all the toys....good memories haha. Anyway I thought it was kinda cool to see her. I havnt seen her in a couple years.

1/5/08

THIS IS A RANT...Cuz people are getting on my last nerve and I gotta rant lol

I am SO about to kill of half of my family and the public population! First at 3am this morning my stupid little brother let his extremely loud alarm clock go off for 3 hours!! Im crabby when Im awake...and Im worse when I get woke up after I barely fell asleep...he could have lost an arm but I was to lazy to get my ass up and waddle to his room. The he has this damn airsoft gun...it shoots these little plastic things...harmless but ANNOYING. He had his little freind over and they thought it was great jolly fun to shoot the preganant chick all night. I was pissed and very crabby. They are both lucky to be alive haha.

The closer I get to 37 wks I am getting less anxious. My mother lost her first child at 4 months a week after her husband was decapitated in a car accident...I was due Nov. 21 but was born Oct. 26 and my brother was due in Jan but was born Nov.21...So yeah Im PARANOID that I will face the same problems with an incompitent cervix. My Mom almost had my brother on Oct.26 as well. She went into labor at my bday party...so Ive been worried about that. My brother had lung problems but I didnt...I was almost 8lbs and so was my brother. My Mom was told that if David went full term he would have been 12+lbs! OMG I hope my baby isnt THAT big. My uncle was 13lbs and my Dad was 10lbs...we have a LONG history of big babies so Im worried about that as well. God I hope I dont have a 13lb baby. None of her cloths will fit and my poor girlie parts will never be the same lol. Well they wont anyway. But anyway....The closer I get to 37 weeks the happier Ill be...even though its quite a ways away.

Well this is it for now...my brother is about to get his head shoved up his freinds butt cuz he's shooting me with pellets. Agggh he is annoying.

Emma...Please know that Mommy and Daddy love you no matter what. I believe in my heart that you were sent to us to help us heal and to forgive and forget. Daddy is getting better...just for you. He is doing what needs to be done to give you the life you so much deserve. Soon we will all be together as a family...someday we will even add a brother or sister for you to love. Daddy wants to provide so badly and he gets discouraged to easily. We were put here to pick him up when he falls. He loves us both. He is working so hard...he may act like he dosnt care but when I told him you might be sick you could tell he was scared. Keep hanging in there for us baby. Stay healthy...stay happy...Mommy and Daddy will protect you forever and eternity. It would break our hearts if somthing ever happened to you. I love you...stay put as long as possible. We cant loose you Mikey. You are the light at the end of the tunnel...the reason Mommy and Daddy survived Hell was to have you. We got some more fight left to fight but in the end we will win and we will all be together as a family. Daddy will teach you to play ball and talk to the ladies :) He is so exited to teach you everything. We love you baby.

1/6/08

So I just heard back from collage. I start next week on my associates in Mental Health. :) Later to further into a Psychology degree. Im exited. I have to call in on my first day of work to do paperwork though. :( Anyway Im SOOO exited.

I got Emma her first pair of jeans today! They were on sale at Wal-Mart for $3 so I got her three blue jeans. One pair is faded though. They ended up charging the regular price and gave me one pair free so I got 3 pairs of jeans for her and only paid $6 :) I got the $8 sweatshirt I wanted for her. It was on sale for $2! Yay. Today was awsome.

1/8/08

I start my classes Monday. Yay. I have to take basic math and college prep algebra though. Yet 2 more classes and books that I have to pay for and they dont even count twards the degree or as credit.

Anyway. Ive been getting so paranoid that somthing is going to go wrong. Im almost 19 weeks now and so far nothing has been wrong with the pregnancy except Mikeys gas problem. I am kind of relieved to get another u/s. After seeing him moving around I dnt think I could bare to loose him. Im so scared to loosing him or his Daddy. His Dad has been getting more and more depressed since Ive been here. He started being fine for a few days and its like now he's back in that place where he is on one to anybody and he says he is the nothingness than accompanies emptyness. What does that mean? I dont get it really. he is so happy when I am with him but when we are apart he becomes this shadow that would rather just give in to the nothingness and let sadness and depression consume him. He is so amazing and no matter how hard I try I cant make him see that. He dosnt see that he is Mikeys Daddy and that makes him a pritty big someone. He is my best freind...my lover....my everything. The only person in this world who could ever share my heart is the little baby growing inside me. He dosnt see that he is a part of this baby. That he will love Daddy no matter what. He dosnt understand. Im afraid of loosing the only two people who keep me going. They make me fight the sadness and emptyness inside. Without them I am nothing. Without my man and baby I would give up and disappear into nothingness. I love them. They are my reason for living...surviving. They are the reason I keep fighting everyday. I go to work and come home everyday because I want to give them a better life. I am in school because I want them to be able to enjoy money and living in comfort. Every night I cry myself to sleep. I tell Mikey I love him and to stay in there as long as possible. To keep going for Mommy and Daddy. If we loose him we will both end up sad and depressed. His Dad will see it as a faluire on his part. I cannot bear to loose my child. Yet this history of premature labor in my family is a constant reminder that he is a gift. If he makes it full term it will be a miracle. No woman in my family has made it full term. All 6 of my a Grandmas kids and all 3 of my Moms were preemies. My Mom lost the first so did my Gram. I cannot loose Mikey. I am so scared and every day...every week he stays inside me I thank God for giving him another day to fight...to live and make me and Daddy whole. I beat my mothers first pregnancy...the 4 month marker and the first prenatal appointment has come and gone. My Mom had her first appointment at 4 months and misscarryed in the OB office. The whole time I was at my OB office I was dying inside praying I wouldnt have the same problems. Yet everything went fine until they said that he might have a problem but it could just be gas. I pray to God every night that it is only gas. And I pray to let me have my baby with me as long as I live. Let him be born healthy and happy. Let me raise him and see him grow up and have a baby of his own. Please just let me keep my husband and baby in my life. I cannot stand to loose either of them.

01/15/2008

So for everyone who wanted an update...I had my level 2 u/s today. My little boy turned out to be a little girl. haha. She had her legs spread wide open and her feet were up behind her head for a while. lol I guess she was sick of being a boy. So I swapped all the boy stuff for girl stuff...the blue for pink and purple. As for her bowels and stuff...they checked out ok. It was her kidneys they were worried about in the beginning! No one told me THAT! But those both check out ok. Their only concern is her heart and spine...Which is worse than what they origionally were looking at!! They think she is fine but they arnt sure so I have to go back the 12th of Feb for another u/s. Its 3D so I dont mind. We got a good look at her face...She looks just like Daddy! I hope her heart and spine are ok though. They SAID they just couldnt get a good look but with doctors that could possibly be a tactic to get you through a month of worry without going crazy...who knows. I just want my baby girl happy and healthy and all in one piece.

03/24/08

So me and Emmas Daddy are back together again. He actually stopped being a stubborn ass and moved up here with me. Emma is fine...we found out that she had no problems at her last ultrasound...at 23 weeks she was weighing in at 2.3 pounds...I have a feeling shes gonna be a chunker like her Daddy. Anyways...Mike and I are getting married sometime before our little angel gets here and my job still blows

03/04/08

Ok so Im 30wks + 2days now...I feel like a very large beached whale. I mean come on...Im a little over 5'1" and I weigh 195 now! And the doc tells me I should still be a little bigger...Is this man on crack? Ive gained maybe 12 to 15 pounds in this pregnancy and I feel like a whale...well Shamu dosnt want to get FAT. Emma is kicking me almost 24/7...I thought they slept 18hrs+ a day? Whoever said that is on somthing cuz this little girl sleeps maybe 18seconds a day. Im at work...getting kicked in the bladder and thank god they dont yell at me for peeing every half hour...sometimes twice every half hour. She is still breech I think cuz Im getting kicked down there and damn does it HURT. lol little girl is gettin big. Hopefully she turns around. Im 18...got the WORST strech marks EVER and I DO NOT want a lovely scar to go with it lol...that and the thought of being spliced open while tied down just dosnt sit right with me.

On top of it all I am SO uncomfortable. My back and feet and legs hurt. My back is almost in constant agony. I waddle now...no more walking for this preggo whale...waddling is even a challange. AND I have this new embarasssing habit of peeing on myself...its NASTY. I sneese I pee...I laugh...I pee.....If I cough I downright piss myself....sometimes I pee a bit and dont even know about it. Its so awsome...how come no one tells you theese things before hand? If someone had told me someday I would be 18 and pissing myself I would have laughed...Now I cry lol. I cried at the Charmin commercial cuz I was sad the bear didnt have the right toliet paper in the beginning and it reminded me that I had to get up to go pee...well I got up and Emma booted the bladder and I almost pissed myself. How can someone so tiny kick that hard...it hurts and almost everytime I get a good swift boot I pee. I feel 80. I have 83 year old grandparents who pee less...and they pee on the toilet. And Im having killer stomach pains and cramps from hell...feels like someone is stabbing me all over my belly and it sucks.

On top of this my wonderful fiancee thinks its CUTE! I was throwing up the other day and peed everywhere everytime I upchucked and he's sitting there like "awww baby your so cute". I wanted to kill him....Im puking in a toilet which has no toliet seat cuz my brother broke it and everytime I heave I piss everywhere and then dipshit has the nerve to tell me Im cute?! Then when I get up off the couch he will watch me struggle and be making "awww does Happy Feet need some help"....He thinks hes funny...hahahaha Im laughing. He walkes into the Lamaze classes singing Im surrounded by the Happy Feet Clan to that wizard of Oz tune about the lolipop kids...goes to the maternity store with me...which he calls the "penguin shop" or on occasion "waddles r us" Yes his little jokes are funny...IF YOU ARNT PREGGO! But seriously....Peeing and puking and waddling is not cute...

So anyways...Mike and I are back together now...just like we were before he turned into the King Asshole of the world. He moved up here with me finally...we are trying to come up with the money to get married before Emma Rose gets here. I cant wait. He had to go back to Mass until April 9th to get the rest of his cloths and wrap up his court stuff and be done with Mass all together. I hope he takes the time to visit his grandparents too since his Grandpa just had a bday and he is really sick. We probably will make a trip down there a couple weeks after Emma is born. I know its a long trip for a newborn but I really think his grandpa should get to see the baby before something happens...he is really sick according to Mikes Gram and theyve had some close calls over the last year. So anyways...poor Emma has to deal with a road trip...locked in a car with Daddy for 5 hours within her first month of life..poor baby...no one is ever ready to go anywhere with her Dad lol.

Oh and my work wouldnt give me Maternity Leave but I did talk to them about taking leave. I am taking a personal leave starting May 17 when Im 37 weeks and then when shes born I can get a doc note saying I need medical leave. So itll all work out. Hopefully Ill be in the military come winter and my little girl and me and my soon to be hubby will have our own place before I strangle my mother and shoot my brother. They piss me off to no end...but thats a story for later.

4/8/08

Im so sad and frusterated. I feel like shit and no one can say why. They tested me for preeclmpsia and its not that. Its not gestational diabetes and its not hypertention. Whats wrong with me? It cant be from stress...all of this cant be from that. It sucks. No matter how much or little I sleep I still get headaches. No matter how much or little I eat or drink I still get them. Now I feel like Im gonna puke just from looking at anything food like. I havnt eaten since last nite and I barely at that. My stomach hurts. my head hurts and my back is killing me. I feel half out of it. I cant sleep. I wake up covered in sweat and last nite I was up with cramps from hell and the nastyest dihera...it was like bloody mucus and puke not poop. (srry TMI) And it hurt and I felt like I was gonna pass out. And I just sat there for like an hour cuz it hurt to move. Whats wrong with me? Can stress really do this much to me? I have to work at 5 am. I have to get up at 3 and I dont even have the energy to get up and do anything. I cant sleep at nite and mom keeps yelling at me for everything. Tylonal isnt touching my headaches. Sometimes they dont really hurt...it just feels like my head is full of pressure and its to heavy for me to hold up so I gotta lay down. It hurts. I want Emma out. Im so tierd and i cant even sleep more than a few minutes. Im exhausted and sick and just want answers. I wasnt stressed at all until I was told its 'just stress'. Ive been to the hospital 3 times just to be told Im fine. Well I am not fine because I feel like complete crap and its not stress because I wasnt stressed untilt he other nite when everything got worse and it was written off as 'just stress' Anyone have any suggestions? Its like I can barely get through the day because I feel so crappy and now its just making me sad, frusterated and distraught. :(

4/14/08

So I went to my OB today. He gave me a note for my work saying I could not work past 36 weeks haha. I didnt even have to ask him for it. He just told me that if he was a woman he wouldnt want to be working at that point and that I needed to relax before I have Emma. He told me to tell my work to give me my breaks when I am suposed to have them because he can arm me with a note for that too. Anyways...The baby is doing awsome...shes gettin big. He says she is right where she needs to be.

We finally got all Mikes info changed over from MA to Maine. He got home on the 9th but we had to go and pick him up because Greyhound printed the ticket wrong AGAIN and wouldnt let him on the bus. All he has left to do is find a job and change his MA licence for a ME one. Yay

Only 3 more weeks until I am done with work and can just relax. Emma will be here in 7 weeks or less! I cant wait. Shes gonna look like her Daddy I think. She did in the 3D U/S I thought

4/16/08

So...Emmas crib totally fell apart today. It was a gift and I hate to hurt my Grandpas gf's feelings but the thing is sooo old. Its so old the company dosnt even exist anymore I dont think. So when it fell apart I decided not to fix it which pissed my Mom off...she says what am I gonna tell Mary? Are you kidding me? where will I be if it fell apart when Emma was sleeping in it? Id rather hurt her feelings that hurt my baby. So I went and returned the crib set and got her a Pack n Play instead. We got the Green Graco Winne the Pooh one from Wal-Mart. Its so cute and it matches the Graco stroller we got from my Gram. We can actually have floor space in the bedroom now...YAY!

4/17/08

I am still planning on going into the Army. I know that it will be hard leaving my little angel behind. Do not think I am going for my own selfish reasons. I am not. Yes it is a dream Ive had my whole life and yes this is for me but it is for my family as well. Emma has a Daddy. He has an education and he loves her very much. He has somthing. If him and I were to break up tomorrow than I would have nothing. I would be living with my mother with no plans or means to get Emma and I our own place. This way I will have money to get an education and I will have a place to live and training so if for some reason our marriage dosnt work out I will still be self suffecient...not dependent on my husband or my mommy and daddy.

If Mike goes as well than it gives us both the means to provide for her...she deserves the world and in this counrty things are becoming more expensive. The economy in this world is shitty and always shifting...jobs are going away and new ones are being created but not fast enough. When you cannot count on your job to still be there years from now that isnt very reassuring...the military wont go away...in this day and age it is one of the most important aspects in keeping America running the way it should be running. It is a job that will never go away. As was said by a very intelligent man..."only the dead have seen the end of war". War will never go away. It is human nature and as long as there is war and conflict in the world there will be a need for a military and as long as there is a need for military there is a need for soldiers

I KNOW Emma will miss me. And I know it will be hard on her...she is so small and perfect and she deserves the best life me and her Dad can give her...

Right now the best we can give her is a tiny bedroom in my mothers trailer that she has to share with her mom and da