July 4th, 2008

100 days to go! WOW! I am so excited. Happy 4th of July to all my American friends. I wish Canada Day was as big a celebration, but who is as patriotic as Americans? I love that about you guys!

I get to see my mom tomorrow. I am excited because we haven't seen each other in a few weeks now, and I have grown and changed since she last saw me. It's amazing how quickly the changes are happening now. But, I guess being so close to the third trimester, that is expected. I think the best person to understand that is your own mother! Although she gave birth to her third and last baby (me) almost 29 years ago, she still remembers how she felt and is great at giving advice. Sometimes she says "That never happened to me", and I wonder if she just can't remember... hahaha.

I stepped on the scale this morning to notice another pound as made it's way onto my body. I now have about 14lbs of baby weight on me, which I still figure is pretty good. By far the heaviest I have ever been. But, the day that scale hits 150lbs will probably make me cry, because that seems freakishly to heavy. Meh, who am I kidding? It's ALL baby!

Oh, and I must once again utter how AMAZING my Aaron is! We are both trying to save every penny so that we have the remainder of the down payment on our house, and so that we have a chunk of cash put aside from when I am without a paycheck (before the Government begins to pay me... it takes them a while to get their shit together). Anyways, I have like no money to my name this week because I saved it all, and he offered to give me money to buy lunch, pay for my beauty treatment after work.... AND pay for a massage treatment (I have been complaining about a sore back). He's such a gem, and I am so lucky to have him care so much about my needs and how I am feeling.

In any case, that's it for now. Happy Friday to all!

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July 10th, 2008

Wow! 93 days to go! I am very excited today because my ticker moved to the next picture. Haha.... just three babies from the end now. I remember when I first uploaded it, Braidy looked like an alien, and how he's like... a baby! Truly amazing!

So, fear is beginning to set in a bit, both for me and Aaron. We had a talk last night about it. I suppose it's natural for new parents to experience feelings of fear and anxiety about the changes that lie ahead. Personally, a few of my fears are:

1) The labour. I think this is an obvious one. A big chunk of this is the unknown. I have no idea how it will feel, how long it will take and if there will be any complications. I want so badly to be able to hold it together and be strong, but there is no predicting how I will react. I am also afraid of silly things with the labour, like the drugs making me throw-up, or pooping in the table. Both are embarassing and almost humiliating... but, I suppose it's something a lot of women do, and the doctors and nurses see it several times a day.

2) Aaron not being there. I can't help thinking sometimes that I might go into labour when he is not with me, and something will prevent him from making it to the hospital and he'll miss the birth. Or worse, that he will be killed in a car accident or something and miss the birth and not be there for the rest of my or Braidy's life. I need him so desperately to be there with me because I know I can't do it alone... both the birth and raising him. I picture being in the delivery room, with my mom by my side and a bunch of doctors and nurses I don't know, wishing that Aaron was there, and crying because I feel so sad and empty. Maybe it's just my pregnancy hormones that make me think these horrible things, or maybe it's my maternal instincs... or maybe, I just love him so much that life without him seems impossible and unbearable. He tells me not to worry myself over such silly things. I try.

3) Breast feeding. It seems like such a natural process, but I am told that both mother and baby may have a difficult time with it. I want very much to be able to provide the right nourishment to my baby, but what if I can't? Will that mean I am a failure already? And what if it hurts? What if I just don't produce enough milk? What if he is crying for me and I can't provide?

4) Bringing him home. It's scary to think that this little creature, this tiny human being, is going to depend on me for everything. How will I adjust to such a life changing thing? Living for someone else... what a concept. What if he is not the dream baby I am hoping for, and he cries 24 hours a day, or has medical problems? What if Aaron spends to much time away and I am stuck alone all the time? What if I won't be a good mother and he grows up and hates me?

Those are just a few things I think about. I guess everything will sort itself out in the end. But, regardless of all of those fears, I am still so excited for the birth and to have him in my arms instead of my belly. I can't wait to look upon him for the very first time, and hold him, and look into his eyes so he can see his mommy for the first time. I can't wait to see Aaron hold him, and shed a tear as the reality of his son comes crashing down on him like a waterfall cascading down a rock. I can't wait to have all my dreams come true, no matter how fearful I am.

This is what life is all about, and this is the perfect life for me, just where I am suppose to be. Somewhere, someone has been watching and reading my heart and soul, and although I was tested over and over again, they finally listened and granted my deepeest desires and most honest and precious wishes.

Thank-you.

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July 17th, 2008

I had a terrible dream last night.

You know how dreams are, don't always make the most sense and kind of jump around all over the place. In any case, it started out with being in the bath tub with Aaron (how we fit in there together, I don't know... he's over 6 feet tall, and I'm getting big), and we realized that my water broke (again, in the tub? Don's ask me how we knew this, having already been sitting in a pool of water). Anyways, at the time, I was very excited because at 28 weeks, this means that I won't gain anymore weight and I would get to meet my little man earlier than planned.

So, I called Aaron's cousin, whom in real life, I plan to call when I go into labour. She told me that I should be really concerned that I might lost the baby going into labour so soon. I told her that I read online that there is a very good chance my baby would live at this stage.

Anyawys, next thing I know, I am at the hospital having already given birth (conveniently, my mind seemed to skip over the labor), and for some reason have decided to go around to other parts of the hospital. I decide it's time to go back to the baby, but when I get into the elevator, it seems to keep skipping my floor, and I just can't get off the elevator and I am stuck in there forever it seems.

Finally, the doors open to the right floor, and when I get off, my whole family and Aaron are standing there. My dad and my brothers look sad, and my mom is crying. I turn to them and say "What's wrong..... he didn't make it?" One of them confirms my worst fear, and I instantly fall to the floor and start crying and freakin' out, screaming "Why? What happened? Why didn't he live"?

And then I woke up screaming, and woke Aaron up in the process. It took me a while to calm down and realize the difference between reality and the dream world. I instantly grabbed for my belly to make sure I was still pregnant. I went to the use the bathroom, have a pee and splash some cold water on my face. When I came back to bed, I put my hand on my belly and prayed to feel him move. He did, 5 times.... and then I was able to go back to sleep.

I can't imagine all the bad dreams that lie ahead in my lifetime of motherhood. Will I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about him, and then creep over to his room to see if he is still breathing? Likely.

I think my maternal instincts are beginning to kick into high gear. Back when I first found out I was pregnant, I used to worry that I would lose the baby before the 12 weeks mark, and would worry about every little pain or cramp, or if I slept on my belly, or if my cat jumped up on my lap to hard. I told my mom about these silly fears, and she told me in a soft, comforting voice, "Honey, you're a mom".

She was right.

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July 25th, 2008

Just 79 days until my little prince is born. That brings me close to the 29th week. Just one more until I hit the 30's. This is a milestone because the day I found out I was pregnant, I remember thinking that the end was so far away. And now, it's practically here. I am not going to say it hasn't felt like an eternity, because it truly has. But, I can see the end in site, and it feels amazing.

What's new? Well, nothing. LOL! I don't have much of a life these days, as pregnancy basically puts me on my ass most of the time. I have trouble moving around. Standing, sitting, lying down... they all cause a great deal of discomfort. I still try to walk around as much as I can. I take the train into the city every day, and it's a 15 minute walk from the station to my office. So, I walk this twice a day. The afternoon walk always feels much more tough, as I am full of baby and a days worth of food. But, I think staying mobile keeps the joints limber, even if it is hard.

My sleeping, over all, has not improved. But, I did manage to sleep through the entire night a few nights ago. I didn't wake up to pee, managed to find a comfortable place to lay and I slept right through Aaron's snoring. It was such a treat. I woke up refreshed and alert - what a concept!

My belly is now 40.5" inches around, and almost looks funny on my body. People tell me I do not look pregnant from behind, and it shocks them when I turn around. Haha. My total weight gain is about 17lbs, and trust me, it's ALL belly. It changes and grows every day, which I expect to continue to happen until his birth. I have a love/hate relationship with this because I am so in love with my baby and want him to grow big and healthy, but naturally, I also do not enjoy growing larger and larger by the week.

A co-worker of mine had a baby last week. His wife was in labour for almost 24 hours, and she tried to do it drug-free, but after several hours, decided she could not. Although I have respect for her, I think she's nuts! LOL! I plan to take as much drugs as legally allowed by law, and then some street drugs on top of that! Haha. Seriously though, the impending birth of Braidy is beginning to weigh heavy on my mind. Where will I be when it happends? Who will be there? I just want to not be alone. I am so afraid of that.

Just one week left before I have some holidays. I have August 4th, 5th and 6th off, plus a the week of August 18th to 25h. My last day at work is August 29th. At the beginning of June, it was my goal to make it to August so that things would start to get easier. The commute to work is difficult, so once that is over, I will feel great. My vay-kay time is the begining of that.

Braidy's movements have changed. It's less of a kicking motion, and more of a shifting motion. I can feel him turning around and it feel like waves ion my belly. I also can really feel him from the outside. I feel his head, and feet. I poke him a lot when he decides to lay somewhere that's uncomfortable. He's co-operative, and generally moves for me.

I was at my friend Linda's (the doctor) house last weekend. I was curious as to which way the baby was lying, so she said she'd feel around and tell me. She found that his head was on it's way down (picture the number 8 on a clock), but that he could still move from that position and come back down again later. She said I am still small and have lots of room for him still. She also said that, at the time she felt him, he was completely on my right side. I was not suprised, as this is where I feel him most of all. He tends to bunch up there. But since then, I have felt him all over the place, and even bunching on my left side.

I find myself full a lot. I guess with the baby crushing my tummy, there is room for just a small amount of food at a time. It's funny because I will feel full one minute, and then starving the next. No gradual. I keep snacks at my desk and just eat them to keep my tummy happy. I hear that heartburn can occur if your tummy gets to empty. I am not about to let that happen. Heartburn is the worst, and so far I have been lucky with only getting it hear and there.

More more thing to add. On the train yesterday, one of the conductors brought me a bottle of water to drink. I sit in the same seat every day, so I talk to the train staff. I thought it was so nice of her to think of me. It goes to show you that there are some good and decent people in the world who think about others. I was so pleased and thankful.

Until next time.... here's to happy, healthy babies!

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August 15th, 2008

Wow, it's been a long time since I updated my page! How unlike me! I am used to checking and updating my profile every day. The basic reason for my slacking is that I was pulled off work early my my doctor. I used to do most of my updating at work, and now that I am home, I don't get the chance. For some reason, the page doesn't show up properly on my lap top. But, I snuck onto my dad's desk top today and, voila!

Basic story is that last Monday, I went to my doctor for a routine check-up, and they noticed that my blood pressure was high and there was traces or protien in my urine. These are signs of toxemia/pre-eclampsia, so they sent me to labour and delivery at the hospital. I was a bit scared because I was all alone. Usually my check-ups are in and out, so I told me BF he didn't have to accompany me.

So, I end up at the hospital, alone, and freaking out internally (of course on the outside, I was smiling and laughing with the doctors). The wanted to run a few tests, which they did. I was strapped to the fetal monitor to track his movements, they did another urine test, another blood pressure reading and ran some blood tests.

The hardest part was waiting for the results. I was in a hospital gown and bed, in the recovery room of labour and delivery. Surrounding me was several woman and their newborns. Granted, there drape was drawn, as was mine, but I could hear the babies crying and the nurses talking to them about how to breast feed and so forth.... all I could think about is the fact that all I wanted in the world was for that to be me in a few weeks.

After 40 mins, the doctor came in with his resident and told me that they were not certain if I had toxemia or not because the tests we just borderline. So, the doc told me that I was not going back to work and I needed to stay home and get rest. Thankfully, not bed rest, but let's just say I can't dig a trench in my backyard for a while. It was a relief to hear that the baby was OK.

End result is that I still do not show any signs of toxemia, but my blood pressure continues to stay high. I was at the doctor twice since then and it has been fluxuating. It was high this morning when I tested it myself. This is scary because the only cure for toxemia is to deliver the baby, and obviously I do not want him to come to early. It's better for him to stay inside me and grow to full term. But, if I do develop toxemia and it becomes severe enough, they will induce me or perform a c-section. I am the first one to want this baby out of my body, but not at risk of his life that is for sure! Time will tell how things go.

But for now, I am blissfully staying at home. It is boring a lot of the time, but I am very glad to be done work. I also qualify for sick leave before my maternity leave, so I do not have to go back to work until October 2009, which is a great feeling.... but at the same time, unbelieveable. I just feel like I have had a 2 weeks vacation and have to go back on Monday, but instead, I get to continue relaxing and enjoying time to myself before the baby is born.

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August 22nd, 2008

So here I am, nearing the "50" days away mark. It feels so good to look back and see 7 entire months have come and gone. Just two more months, and the baby will be in my arms. It could not happen any faster for me, especailly now that I am at home bored to death. I was at the doctor twice this week, and I am 100% done work, and now on blood pressure medication to control it (which is always fun, because I have a hard time swallowing pills). But, I have felt physically better since being off work, and do sleep a bit better, so it's not the worst thing in the world.

Soon enough, I will be moving into my house, and I will have plenty to keep my busy. Things to unpack, dishes to wash, nursery to set up. In the words of a friend of mine, I am going to "nest the shit out of it". LOL! Just 2 weeks and I am on my way to acheiving all my dreams! It's taken so long to get here, but it has all been worth it for this emense happiness I am feeling.

My baby showers are in a few weeks to. I have one on September 7th, hosted by Aaron's mom, and then one the following weekend (September 13th) hosted by my mom. Very exciting having two! I am sure to get all the things I need for Braidy's arrival. It will be fun to see all my friends and family.

I think I have finally gained that pound to tip the scale to be 20lbs total weight gain. Ugh! I guess it could be worse. I know that some ladies do gain significantly more, and although there is nothing wrong with that, I am glad that I have managed to be one of the lucky ones. I think I might have had a very difficult time with 60lbs gained or something like that. I hear that 18lbs of it is lost right away, so... things are looking good. I can't wait to get back to the gym and gain my muscle back. I hope to look like I never had a baby as soon as I can!

Anyways, hope you are all well. Just 7 more weeks ladies! Hang in there, this is the home stretch!

:)

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August 31st, 2008

34 weeks and counting. I can't believe this is finally coming to and end. "Term" is technically between 37 and 42 weeks, so I guess I could actually go into labour in 3 weeks. That crazy to think about, but so very exciting! I am beginning to think that God makes pregnancy so tiring/frustrating/uncomfortable/etc... so that when we finally do go into labour, we are dying to get the baby about, thus making the pain worth while! :)

I've been at the doctor every week for the past 4 weeks now (or somewhere around there), and it's getting really annoying. In fact this week, I have to go to my hospital tour on Wednesday, my doctor's appointment on Thursday and my last ultrasound on Friday. Seriously? That is like far to many doctors visits! Plus, the lab "lost" my hepatitis B results, so they are making me do that test again. I know I am immune because I was vaccinetd in high school, but of course, they need the test.

I am getting another ultrasound because the doctors want to make sure that, with all the blood pressure issues (and medication) that the baby is growing OK. Last one I had at 30 weeks stated that my baby was in the 25th percentile, meaning that 75% of babies are bigger but 25 are smaller. So, although still in the healthy range, he is small. They just want to make sure that he has not gotten to small. As long as he is healthy, I do not mind him being small. Theoretically, it should be easier to push out a small baby... right?!?

Let's see, what else? Oh, well,at my last doc appointment, they discovered that now my blood pressure is to low. LOL! So, they are cutting my medication to half the dose. It made sense, because I was really dizzy there for a few days. Thankfully, I feel much better now.

Last but not least, I am moving into my new house in just about a week now! We take official possesion on Wednesday, Sept. 3rd. We are both over the moon about it. We are all ready to move, including the phone installation and all the utilities. We even met our new neighbours today as we drove by on one of our many visits. It is a lady who's adult daughter lives with her temporarily. That works great for us, because she seems very nice, and very quiet... just like us!

Keep those chins up! We're nearly there!

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September 4th, 2008

Almost 35 weeks. How amazing that I am so close to term. So here are some updates:

1) I was at the doctor today, and everything was great for once! My blood pressure is still too low for her taste, so she told me to stop taking them all together. Apparently though, she does not want me to throw them out because towards the end, it is normal for blood pressure to rise. Since my is already naturally prone to elevate, she wants me to hold on to them in case I need them again.

2) I have my 35 week ultrasound tomorrow to check his size. I asked the doc what would happen in the case that he is to small. She told me that they would induce labour at 37 weeks because he is not getting the proper nutrition inside me for some reason, so they would want to feed him on the outside. As long as my baby will not be harmed, I am okay with this. It means I will get tot end pregnancy sooner!

3) I had my hospital tour last night... scary stuff! LOL! I mean, it was no big deal, but they had this info session first, telling us about all the procedures and shit, and it just freaked me out for some reason. It's like the reality of this happening to me is so extremely close that I am not sure how to feel about it all. Aaron, on the other hand,was very calm and together.... thank God! :)

4) So, I am a home owner. Aaron and I got the keys yesterday (after waiting hours for the lawyers to get their shit together). I am moving some things over today, and the big move in Saturday (Sept. 6th). My mom will be coming over tomorrow to help me clean my house (God bless her). It needs it, big time! The previous owner left shit she should not have as well,so I have to go around with a garbage bag and dump some things.

I guess that's all. I will update soon with the results from the ultrasound.

Take care of those miracles!