August 6, 2008

Well it has been awhile. I had my son on May 10th at 11:45AM, we was two months early and weighed in at 4 pounds 17 inches. Today he is 8 pounds 6oz and doing fine. He was in the NICU for a little over a month gaining weight and just growing - learning how to breath, suck, and swallow with out problem. He came home on a monitor to make sure he does not stop breathing and thank god it only went off a couple times for the 1st month home. It has not gone off for a while now, keeping my fingers crossed. He is also on caffinee which stimulates him to breath. With my son doing much better and growing like a weed, something had to give.

His daddy left me. Yup, can you believe that he left me two weeks ago. He said he needed space and time to figure things out. So, here I am left alone with my son. That part that I think hurts the most is that he still wants to be part of his life, he still wants to come around and see him, he still wants to help out - but he is trying to sleep with other woman. Like I don't get that. Why are men so selfish. I swear I am going to raise my son to respect woman and to treat them as human beings and not just pieces of meat. I thought I picked the right man, I really did and low and behold. Nope bad choice. The other part that hurts is he acts like okay let me be on my own for a little while you lose your baby weight gain and when that is all over I'll be back. I need to go play the field and get it out of my system, and you'll take me back when I come back. God if you have any sympathy for me please make things right. Like how can you let this happen. I know I have done wrong in my lifetime but please help me out here. I don't want my son to be in a broken family. I don't seriously. Please. So there is my drama out for all to see. I need to vent I need to get this out, otherwise I am just going to combust and then he will feel the wrath of my pain. Don't get me wrong I have combusted on him about 100 times since this happend. I am just trying to stop and breath.

Positive thinking yes that is what I need to do. I need to read the Secret - badly. I need to get my butt to Agape. I need to feel the spirit in me. It is so hard to take an infant everywhere you need to go but I gotta do it. I think that will help me through this time, that and my friends. Wow my friends are so great they have all listen to me and given me advice and helped me out. I am so thankful for them.

Ladies, I have to be strong and stay focused. My main priority is my son and that is all. No one else matters. Just him and he is worth everything. I now know why God gave me a son. Thank you!

Peace and Blessings to you all!

April 23, 2008

I am so excited that my son will be here soon. It has been a crazy ride but I wouldn't change it for the world. Having a boy is an amazing experience for me; I am the soul responsible for this little man. He will always be my little man, which is quit a responsibility for anyone. I hope to someday have a girl but within time G-d will determine if that is the right path for me. I have to thank G-D for my son, and know that my son is here to do something great. It is amazing the feeling you have when you speak to your unborn child in your womb. As if sometimes you can hear him respond back to you. I have really tried to narrow down a wonderful name for him, and someone told me the other day. When he is born and you see him for the first time you will know what his name should be, I am honestly at that point with his name. I know that my first choice is what he should be named and that when he is born he will match that name. I am so excited to see what he looks like, I am having a bi-racial child, his father being Black and Cuban and me Mexican and Irish. I have seen so many bi-racial children lately; it is so exciting to see color lines that will be broken by our children’s generation. It is sad that racism still exists in this world; if everyone just accepted that fact that we are all human beings and that we all bleed red blood. Someday I hope. I am happy to be a mother of a bi-racial child and to be part of a bi-racial relationship. I hope that someday people will not categorize us as bi-racial and just look at us as a loving, spiritual, strong family. I am blessed to be part of this world and blessed to be bringing an amazing child to this world. I hope that I am a good mother, I hope that I instill in my son all of the values that my mother instilled in me.

I wish all of you mommies love, peace and happiness. Good luck to us all.

Son I love you with all my heart and soul. You are truly a blessing to us.

April 16, 2008

I have wanted to update my space but something always comes up, either I run out of time, I get a phone call, or I just decide I don't feel like doing it. Pregnancy, I will say has been a trip. One day I feel great the next minute I feel like crap, and the next second I forget I am... Talk about hormones. I am trying to stay positive but it is just so darn hard sometimes. Especially with life just happening all around us. There are good things that have happened. My father is doing amazingly well. After the whole heart attack and leaving us two times - the doctors are amazed he is alive. Which, I just have to stand back and be so thankful that my daddy is here with us. My mother is such a strong women, she amazes me at what she does and how strong she has been. When I grow up I want to be just like her.

As far as me, well I am living at my parent’s house right now - I left the drama of my apartment and my MIL who just doesn't get it. All she can say is that I did the move due to materialist things - which I don't get since I was the one paying for all the bills and she was living there free of charge. She said I need to do things out of love. I swear she made me feel like I was in the freaking Twilight Zone, and that I was having an out of body experience. It was pretty interesting the day I had to movers meet me at the apartment to move all of my furniture - she said I was talking about her to her friends and that I have just been running my mouth. Which I just had to stand there and look at her like she was crazy. I don't know her friends nor do I talk to her friends. Then she said she talked to me about my tantrums and that I am a spoiled brat. I couldn't even respond as I was so floored by her comments. This ungrateful woman had the nerve to say all these things to me when she has been freeloading off me for over a year. I swear I am just like this woman, she needs to be committed - no seriously 5150 this lady. Cause I can't explain her words. And then she had the nerve to tell me I was the cause of her son trying to commit suicide 8 months ago. Like hello what are you talking about? How can you tell a pregnant woman that and two how can you blame someone else actions on another individual. Fucken people.... Sorry about that but that is how I felt. Like look lady you have been putting stress on me your son and you can't take care of yourself and depend on people around you to take care of you. Come on if you were my mom that would make me feel like killing myself, because my mom is a failure and I have to take care of you and I can barely take care of myself. Come on the stress of that alone could take you out. Well I am with my parents and it has been great. I do very much miss my man, but I just have to have faith that things will work themselves out. I could always wish that a house would fall on her... So needless to say she is living in my apartment and last month she had to find a way to pay the rent because I sure wasn't going to do it. I am at the point that if the landlord evicts us - oh well I don't even care; I honestly don't care if I lose my deposit either. Honestly, it will cost me at least a grand to clean the apartment after she leaves anyways. Seriously, the biggest nastiest slob I have ever met in my life. I honestly don't think I would ever leave my baby with her especially after all that she has caused. She would be one of those crazy women that would take the baby and leave the country. Psycho crazy woman!

Wow it feels good to vent, I should write a book about my life the last year. I will be glad when she is gone out of my life forever, which that would probably only happen if I were to never be with her son. Which I am sure she will do all that she can to make that happen. I just have to have faith that he will see, that he will open his eyes and see the truth. All her mumbo jumbo psychic talk about the future! Seriously, if you had that power - that real powers don’t you think you would see what is coming before it comes. Like hello lets plan.. ENOUGH let’s talk baby...

My son I am so happy he is almost here. I am still having issues with his name; his dad wants Joseph - cause that is what his mom wanted to name him. NO, like seriously NO! I love the name Ezekiel, which his dad is not really liking much, I also like the name Ygancio "ig-n`a-ceo" which was my grandfathers name who is very special to me. There are a couple other names but his dad is just does not like them. Seriously, I am at the point where I am going to say whatever, I carried my son for 9 months I am going to name him. The only name he has given me is Joseph and that is just not going to happen. His dad is only going to give me names that his mother has suggested, like seriously cut the umbilical code you are a grown man. I swear I will not be like that with my son. I promise son I will teach you the difference between right and wrong, and how to make your own decisions and live your life on your own terms. That is how I live my life on my terms and with love and faith always on the front. I have to have faith in the universe that everything will work its self out. I have to contribute to my faith by doing right and living an ethical life, I have to contribute to what I want the universe to do for me, so that I a line myself with that faith. I feel love for those that are less unfortunate, I feel compassion for those that try to better themselves and fail or feel they have failed. In order to be successful you must apply yourself, in order to win that lotto you must play, in order to have that high paying job you must work for it, in order to be wealthy you must save and work hard, in order to be healthy you must watch what you eat and exercise, in order to be smart you must study and learn as much as possible. You must contribute to your life, just sitting back and hoping and praying will not bring you these things. You can pray all day and all night that you will be successful, but until you get up off your butt and do something it is not going to happen... You want to be debt free, well start paying your bills. You want a new car, well them start saving up and start evaluating what you can afford and what is available. You want that bigger house; well see what it will take to get that bigger house. Things do not just come to you, you have to apply yourself. I have read The Secret, and I understand the teaching of The Secret, I think some people have taken the words out of context. Yes, you can envision what you want - but you must a line yourself with the universe to have those things come to you. You must apply your will and choices to gain those wishes and desires. Nothing in this world is free, everything is a price, it may not be monetary but there is a price. You must work for everything.

I am working towards making my life better, I moved away from negativity, I changed my normal routine and stopped the bad behavior of taking care of the world and not myself. I want my son to have a beautiful life, a wonderful loving life and he will. I will work to make that happen no matter what. He will be brought into a family filled with love, compassion, and acceptance. As it is...

March 4, 2008

We have a doctors appointment today in the afternoon, with both of our doctors. Once is a heart specialist the other is my OB/GYN, we are taking precautions with our son to make sure he does not have any heart issues as it is something that runs in our family. Which we just went through almost four weeks ago with my father. My father had conjunctive heart failure February 11, 2008 and was brought back three times. The doctors say he it is a miracle that he is here with us today. On February 22, 2008 dad had a difibulator inplanted in his chest. This will play a role in keeping him alive, and if he has another heart attack it will jumpstart his heart. I am so thankful that my dad is here with us today and very happy that my son will get to spend time with his grandpa. This was a very stressful time with my father and being pregnant and spending sleepless nights at the hospital by my mom's side. My mom is so strong, when I grow up I want to be just like her. My hubby was right there with me too, he stayed in the hospital with us and took care of us too. I am truly blessed to have such a good man in my life. I hope my son turns out to be just like his dad.

I am still trying to get back to a comfortable feeling but I am not sure what that is anymore. Part of me thinks I will never get there and another part thinks I will once I have the baby and the other part tells me get over it. Life is so short and you never know when something is going to happen to you or a loved one. Charish every moment you have and never take forgranted the time you have. Never leave without saying good-bye, never leave with out saying I love you to those you charish.

I am so anxious to meet our son; I would love for him to come now but I know that it is not the time, he will come when he is suppose to and will be healthy and happy. I love you son! You are the twinkle in my eye and I have waited for you all my life.

Peace and Blessings to All!

February 5, 2008

Went to the doctor today, had really bad cramps last night and just didn't want to take a chance. Thank G-D everything is fine, but low and behold I found out that our baby is 9oz and very very big. Totally, takes after my husband in more ways than one or two to find out. YES, we are having a BOY!!!! Not only does he have extra long legs his unit is quite large... ha ha ha

My tech had fun with that, she made me blush... It was quite funny... I'm still laughing about it... I was really scared to have a boy at first, and like within an instant I just started to cry. I'm having a boy, a little man, a replica of my husband. What more could I ask for. My husband on the other had is terrified, but I know once the baby is born he is going to be very happy.

So ladies those of you that have boys already; HELP!!! :)

Hope everyone is doing well, I for some reason and doing a heck of alot better knowing I am having a Big Boy.

Peace and Blessings to all.

Monday, 10 Dec 2007

This is my first pregnancy! I am so excited but I am sure we all are. I try to explain to my husband this incredible feeling I have inside carrying our baby. I am sure some of you know what I mean but it is such a wonderful feeling of light that starts at your toes and exceeds past the top of your head.

I went to Agape for the first time since my pregnancy and what a wonderful feeling came over me as I sat and listed to such a powerful female speaker. I have been attending Agape for about a year now and have not attended service in about 4 months. I noticed neither my husband nor I were nauseous and my faith cup was filled to the brim. I think the positive vibe and amazing faith of all those attending will help tremendously with my pregnancy especially when I am feeling down.

I wish all of the mothers, mothers’ to be, and those wishing to be mothers a wonderful and peaceful pregnancy. It is truly a miracle to partake in the creation of a human being that is born with a pure light radiating from its soul…

Peace and Blessings

January 8, 2008

Can I just say SPECTACULAR!!!!!

I don't think I have ever felt this great in my life. I am so happy!!! I wake up in the morning feeling happy, thankful, and above all blessed. I am so anxious to meet our baby, to see their expressions, to experience there love and feelings. I want to see if our baby will have my eyes or my husband’s eyes, whose' nose, lips and ears. Will our baby have a combination of our mannerisms or more mine or more my husbands.

I am one of those that hate surprises so I can't wait to find out if we are having a boy or a girl, hopefully on January 17th we will be able to find out. Please baby, be in the right spot so we can see. I need to plan everything...Yes, I am a control freak. But if our baby is a boy well I have to prepare for a boy, blues and yellows - perhaps Winnie The Pooh or Peter Rabbit. Oh and then the clothes my husband is going to go crazy. WoW a boy that would be crazy! I will be so dumb founded with a boy, but at the same time so ecstatic, to have a boy to pass on our name. Then we will try for a girl after that!!! But if a girl oh my gosh I will go broke decorating and buying clothes. And daddy well that is a whole other story.... Good luck honey getting out of the house, good luck future suitors, you thought Rapunzell had it bad no way.

Baby in mommy's belly, WE LOVE YOU! Boy or Girl you will be the star in our eye.

I hope all the mommies out in the world and on the site feel this elated about the gift that we have been blessed with.

Peace and Blessings!

January 22, 2008

Okay I am bummed, I had my doctors’ appointment on the 17th - two matter of fact and of all days my tech was called to jury duty for my 1st appointment. My Dr. did the ultra sound with her new equipment and just didn't have a good grasp of it yet and took about 15 pictures and did both on top of the belly ultra sound and internal ultra sound and was not 100% if it is a boy or girl. She said I am pretty sure it is a boy but I will have my tech look at them and see if she can tell. I WAS SO BUMMED, my HUBBY was so bummed - we both cried. So then later in the afternoon we were off to our other appointment and our baby didn't feel like taking pictures anymore, our baby was like "Come on guys, I'm tired" and went to sleep on his/her side with their back towards us and then on their belly. I almost wanted to laugh; this baby is definitely picking up on my mannerisms. Because I hate pictures and people bugging me, so me it is too funny. But I have another two appointments set for Feb 7th so hopefully we will know then. In the mean time I am freaking out to find out - I hate waiting. Other than that our baby is doing great and has really, really, really long legs just like their daddy. He is 6'3" and I am merely 5' 2". Yahoo, they won't need a step ladder... :) Baby's heart is perfect, head size is perfect, and stomach size is perfect and amazing long legs. So still don't know what we are having but hopefully soon we will know.

Hope everyone is doing good and having as great a time with their pregnancy. We are blessed to be carrying the generation that is going to change the world and abolish color lines across the world.

Peace & Blessings...

January 31, 2008

I am really trying to stay in a good happy place these past few weeks. A lot has been going on personally; way to much to talk about on this site. But I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Sometime we just have to go through hard times to see the good in all and everyone. Unfortunately, eliminating the negative energies that surround you is the hardest thing to do, especially when it is those closest to you. I have learned to pray for those who need to feel peace and are so unhappy with their own lives that to see someone else’s happiness brings out more negativity in them towards you and the world.

I thank G-D everyday for giving me this precious gift and allowing me to enjoy the beauty that is within me. I try not to let things get me down especially with this precious gift growing inside of me. I thank G-D for you, and the joy that you bring me. It is funny I always wondered why some women have so many children; I think I get you now! It is such a great feeling it is euphoric. Feeling your baby kick and move about within your womb is incredible. Perhaps, men would better understand pregnancy and wanting to have children if they could feel these feelings that we have. I feel bad for men not being able to experience pregnancy.

Last night I watched an amazing movie “Children of Men”, perhaps it struck me differently when I watched this movie for the 1^st time all the way through, as I have tried watching it several times and just could not sit through it. Not for the faint of heart but it really has a beautiful ending that I can NOW understand. It is funny how your way of thinking adjusts at the first sign of pregnancy. I stopped ingesting anything in my body that might cause harm to our unborn child; that means everything… COLD TURKEY… Total mind over matter, well not even that I just stopped for our child and don’t crave a thing… I think that is G-D above all to give us such willpower or that I have become so comfortable with my spirituality that those things just don’t matter anymore.

I am glad G-D had me wait till I was in my mid-30’s to have a child, I am spiritually, mentally, and with the right man no doubt about that. I could not have asked for a better partner in Life, Love and Spirituality. We manifested this child and I understand that completely, we spoke of having children day two and 417 days later we are in the midst of awaiting the arrival of our child. We are so excited for this day to come; this child is going to forever enrich our lives and is going to be a child that changes the world in so many ways. This child is going to erase color lines, is going to change our environment, and has such a strong will to live and love it is amazing. Our child shows us love now; it is crazy to think that this is possible but I am here to tell you it is TRUE. Our child’s light is forever bright and can’t wait to experience the new found life.

To LOVE is to LIVE and to LIVE is to LOVE!

Peace and Blessings to all!