We were blessed and we knew it.

Just 6 weeks after we married we got pregnant. My husband Leo and I couldn’t believe it but we sang our gratitude and praises to God every minute. Our pregnancy was a dream, no morning sickness, no complications and I was so happy I knew I was glowing. We were aware that things don’t go this well for everyone, we have so many friends whose stories weren’t as easy or happy as ours, we just praised God every day and lived in joy and gratefulness.

Our baby was breech, but the research said we should have still been ok to go ahead with our natural birth plan at home. Breech babies present the biggest risk when they are premature – I went into labor at 40w5d. There are more risks with big breech babies – our baby was estimated under 7lb, born at 6lb 12oz. The only other factor for breech baby risk was that I was a first time mom, but our midwives are experienced, and they would transfer us if the baby wasn’t progressing well through my pelvis.

After nearly 24 hours of labor Joel James was born at 1:45am on 6/9/09, but during birth his head was trapped for long enough to cause brain damage. Although he was perfect and strong, he never breathed on his own. We transferred to the hospital and Joel went to the NICU. After nearly five days and two EEG’s the doctors determined there was no brain activity at all. We had to decide to remove Joel’s ventilator, the machine that was breathing breath into our son. He died on 6/13/09.

There is no explanation for why Joel’s head got trapped. His head was normal size, and everything else was perfect. We can only lean on our faith to sustain us and pray for peace and healing. I am broken, and living day to day. I write about it at www.joellives.com. If you visit, please keep in mind our IRL friends and families don’t know we are TTC so please, SHHHH!!!